


Obtentus

by aloriahfray



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, Incest, Mildly Dubious Consent, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 11:04:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 47,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11804712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloriahfray/pseuds/aloriahfray
Summary: Sebastian and Clary have both made choices. Sebastian’s choices are to send Valentine to Edom, maintain his cover, and get as close as he can to Clary. Clary’s choice is to do anything she can to find her lost brother before the Clave can. How long can Sebastian maintain his cover with his sister searching for him? And how long can Clary convince herself that she doesn’t have anything more than feelings of friendship for Sebastian? Lost in a tangled web of pretense, the Morgenstern children struggle to find their way to truth and to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

  
(update: recently commissioned cover by c0ffeebee.tumblr.com!) 

 

 

 

 

Clary knew that hiding in her bedroom and moping wasn’t going to fix anything and she usually tried not to do it. There were bigger things than her own grief going on around her, but sometimes she just needed a chance to breathe. She had to remember that she wasn’t all angel. She was human, too. And the human part of her was falling apart between missing her mother, missing Simon, and trying to avoid being alone with Jace.

She was sprawled on her back across her bed, staring up at the ceiling and remembering the first time Simon had kissed her. It had felt so pleasant. Kissing Simon was like going home and it washed away all the madness raging around her. She wished she could do that now. Just wrap herself up in his familiar scent and forget that their lives had changed forever.

Knock, knock, knock.

The taps at her door were gentle; a request rather than a demand. For a moment she considered ignoring them, but then she heard a familiar voice from outside her room.

“Clary? It’s Sebastian. I’ll go away if you’d like me to, but I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

She wasn’t sure why, but she wanted to see Sebastian now that she knew he was outside her door. There was something about him that made her feel like she’d known him much longer than she had. Not necessarily comfort or familiarity like with Simon, but…she just felt like she could talk to him and he wouldn’t judge her.

She got to her feet and called back, “Come in.”

She tried to fix her fiery hair, which was up in a messy bun with most of it escaping from her hair tie after lying down for so long, but as the door slowly opened she realized there was no hope for her. She was a mess. No make-up, pajamas ruffled, hair a mess. But what else would Sebastian expect?

He walked cautiously into the room, his eyes finding her immediately and a gentle smile forming on his lips. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Clary replied sheepishly, crossing her arms.

“How are you doing?” he asked, scanning her with a hint of sympathy in his eyes. She was thankful when he didn’t voice it.

She sighed, dropping her arms, and met his gaze. “Honestly? I’m a mess. I’ve been moping for hours when I should be helping the others but I just—”

“Clary, it’s okay,” he cut her off, shutting her door behind him with a soft click. “I’m not here to tell you to get up and fight. I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly understandable if you need a break. And…well, I was going to offer you a bit of a getaway if you needed one.”

Clary raised an eyebrow at him. She was perfectly aware of the fact that Sebastian was attracted to her. He’d already asked her out once. But now she no longer had the boyfriend that had been her reason for shooting him down and she really hoped he wasn’t taking a second shot. She wasn’t ready to date anyone else.

“What kind of getaway?” she questioned.

“We could go to my apartment, get you out of the Institute,” he suggested, moving a little further into the room. She eyed him suspiciously at this suggestion and he quickly continued, “I swear I’m not trying to seduce you; I just thought we could watch some television and have tea where it’s peaceful and quiet. You could have my bed for the night; I’d be happy to take the couch.”

Clary was hesitant. She didn’t know Sebastian very well and she wasn’t entirely sure if she could trust him. But then again Isabelle had stayed with him and he’d nursed her back to health and returned her to the Institute in one piece.

“TV and tea, huh?” She hadn’t watched a TV show in a long time. There was no time for it in the Shadowhunter world. “It does sounds pretty relaxing.”

“I’ve also been told that I’m a fantastic listener, so there’s that as well.” Sebastian smirked at her and she couldn’t help smiling back at him. He was charming and witty, she couldn’t doubt that.

“Alright. I don’t see why not. Just let me pack a bag.”

It couldn’t hurt, right? Getting away from Jace and all the reminders of how her world was repeatedly shattering around her was probably for the best. She just wanted to feel normal for a night and that’s what Sebastian was offering her.

She threw a few pieces of clothing, her toothbrush, a hairbrush, her phone, her charger, and her sketch book into her backpack which she threw over her shoulder when she was done. Sebastian stood quietly near the door, waiting patiently as she gathered her things. Normally having someone stand and watch as she packed would make her uncomfortable, but Sebastian’s silence wasn’t discomforting. It was that whole thing again about not feeling judged and feeling like she knew him.

He flashed her a quick grin as she tossed the bag over her shoulder and he asked lightly, “Ready?”

“I think so. Should I get dressed or?” She’d almost forgotten that she was still in flannel pajama pants and a tank top.

“Clarissa, we’re going to be lounging on my sofa drinking tea. No formal attire required.”

Clary flinched internally at the use of her full first name and as she moved to stand in front of Sebastian she asked, “Could you…could you just call me Clary, please? Valentine calls me Clarissa and…”

She didn’t have to finish her sentence. She could see that he understood by the gentleness of his eyes as he nodded at her.

“Alright then. Pajamas are completely welcome in my apartment, Clary.”

“Thank you. Let’s get going.”

Clary was grateful when there weren’t a ton of people between her room and the way out of the Institute. A couple of people shot her and Sebastian curious glances, but they didn’t run into anyone important. Like Jace.

Still, as they made their way to Sebastian’s apartment she sent a text to Izzy and explained where she was going and why. She knew if anyone would understand and wouldn’t flip out about Clary staying the night with Sebastian it would be her.

The apartment was cozier than she anticipated and she entered behind Sebastian a little smile played on her lips. It was a studio with a kitchenette right next to the living room and everything was warmly decorated. The lights were dim, but not too dark, and all of the wooden surfaces were a dark, rich color.

“This isn’t what I imagined when I pictured your apartment, but I guess it makes sense,” she mused, moving into the center of the tiny place and glancing around. She turned to look at Sebastian and he was watching her almost self-consciously, one hand resting on the kitchen counter.

“And what does that mean exactly?”

“It means that you’re always warm and calm, so it makes sense that your apartment would be warm and calm, too.”

“I’m not always warm and calm.”

Clary nearly opened her mouth to challenge him, but then she remembered the intensity in his voice and in his eyes when he was breaking through her wall to help her with her runes. Now take that pain…and use it.

No. He wasn’t always gentle. There was a fierceness underneath all of that warmth—something that had taught him that pain could equal power. Sometimes she could see it in his eyes even when the rest of him was relaxed, like storm clouds rolling in his mind. But she imagined all Shadowhunters were like that. After all, they were all constantly at war.

Clary made her way to the kitchenette, leaning against the side of the small island. “You’d be fun to draw.”

“Because I’m so handsome?” He smirked and pushed off the counter, moving closer to her.

“Because you have depth. It’s always harder to capture the essence of a person who isn’t the same inside as they are outside.”

She didn’t know why she was saying this to him, but as she said it she realized how much truth there was to it. There was more to Sebastian than met the eye, she could tell, even if she didn’t know the first thing about what that was.

“But we can get into the philosophy of each other’s lives later. Maybe during the manicure portion of the sleepover,” she joked, lightening the tone and moving away from him towards the living room. She set her bag down next to the couch and asked, “What are we going to watch?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I don’t keep up with television; it’s a very mundane thing. Why don’t you see if you can find something that looks interesting?” Sebastian moved into the living room as he spoke and handed Clary the remote as she sat on one end of the couch.

Clary took it and turned on the TV, shooting Sebastian an exasperated glance. “I haven’t entirely gotten used to the ‘mundane’ comments. All of that ‘mundane’ stuff was my life up until I turned eighteen.”

“Yes, sometimes I forget that you didn’t grow up in this world,” Sebastian sighed, going back to the kitchen and grabbing the kettle from the stove.

Clary watched him rather than flipping through channels. He had the same easy grace that the Lightwoods had, but there was always something in his posture that was almost shy. She wondered to herself what it would be like to watch him fight and made a mental note to ask him to spar with her when they got back to the Institute.

“You’ve taken on the roll of a Shadowhunter with such strength and grace,” he went on as he filled the kettle with fresh water. “I’ve seen the way you storm through that Institute when there’s a mission. It’s like you think it’s up to you to save the entire world on your own and you’re prepared to strike down anything that stands in your way.”

Clary felt her cheeks warm at the fascination in his voice and she glanced over at the television now, pulling up the cable guide. “Well, every mission I’ve had since I started training has been pretty important. I didn’t exactly get eased in.”

She listened to the sound of the tap shutting off and the kettle clinking onto the stove. The whoosh of the gas burner lighting was followed by footsteps and she looked back up to see Sebastian walking her way.

“Which is precisely why you’re taking a break tonight. Even the best Shadowhunters need a chance to breathe every now and again. We do work incredibly hard.”

He took a seat on the cushion next to her rather than across the couch and she couldn’t help being very aware of their close proximity.

“It can be hard to breathe when I know that at any time my phone could ring and I’ll be told someone else is dead or that I need to come in for a mission.” Clary’s heart sank at the words and suddenly the calm she’d felt since she entered the apartment wavered.

“Clary, don’t think that way,” Sebastian soothed, his hand moving to her shoulder. “Not tonight, at the very least. There’s loads of Shadowhunters; they can handle all of that for less than twenty-four hours.”

She sighed as he gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and she found herself sliding closer to him at the touch. “It’s easier said than done.”

“Well…and once again, I am not trying to seduce you, but…we could have something stronger than tea if you think that might help.”

Clary looked over at Sebastian and their eyes met. He was smiling and waiting patiently for her reply, not pressuring her to decide one way or the other.

“Uhm…actually, it might. Maybe if I could just…forget about it for a little while,” she decided, giving a little shrug. “I can’t have much; I barely drink and I’d hate to turn a perfectly fun night into one where you have to hold my hair back while I throw up.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” he insisted, moving his fingers the short distance from the edge of her shoulder to the hair that was hanging loose from her bun. He lightly toyed with the strands for a second before pulling his hand back and adding, “But I do agree it would be more fun for both of us if that wasn’t necessary.”

Clary’s shoulder felt cold at the loss of his touch and she was angry with herself for the way she immediately wanted it back. He was flirting with her and that wasn’t what she wanted. As much as she wanted comfort and companionship she couldn’t let him think he had a chance when he didn’t.

When he got up to go get them drinks she turned her full focus on the TV, flipping through the free movies that were available and trying to decide on something that wouldn’t bore a lifetime Shadowhunter to death. It was a lot harder than she originally thought it would be.

Sebastian returned a moment later with a bottle of rum, a shot glass, a can of Coke, and a larger glass with ice in it and a lime wedge on the rim. “I don’t generally mix it, but since you don’t drink much…I thought maybe a simple Coke and rum would be good to you.”

“Simple is probably good, yes,” Clary agreed, watching as he opened the bottle of rum. He poured a small amount into her glass and glanced up at her, asking with his eyes if it was enough. She signaled for him to add a little more and he did before setting the bottle down and cracking open the can of soda.

He poured the Coke into the glass and then handed the cup to her, flashing a little grin as he did so. “I suppose for civility’s sake I could mix one for myself.”

“You don’t have to,” Clary assured him, sipping at her drink. It was good—the lime was a nice touch—but it was a bit strong. “I’m not going to judge you for the way you prefer to drink your alcohol, I promise.”

He chuckled at that and slid the bottle of rum and the shot glass over to him. He filled the little glass up and tipped back the contents, Clary watching him as he did so. She watched as he threw his head back, strangely fixated on the delicate way he held the shot glass. When he was done he poured one more shot and drank that as well before settling back onto the couch.

“So, did you manage to find something for us to watch?” he asked her, the corner of his mouth twitching up when he saw that she was staring at him rather than what was on TV.

“Uhm, no, not yet,” she muttered, turning her attention back to the screen. “I have no idea what might interest you. I feel like it would all be too ‘mundane’.”

“If it interests you, then I’m interested as well,” he assured her. She could feel his eyes on her and she was determined not to return the gaze.

“You say that, but I get the feeling you’ll change your mind when I choose something,” she laughed. She took a long sip of her drink and sighed, setting down the remote and turning to face Sebastian. “Let’s just talk. Honestly, I think this is all a little too…normal for me to process right now, too.”

“Did you bring your sketch book? You could always draw captivating photos of me drinking rum,” he suggested playfully before moving to pour himself another shot.

“You know very well that I packed my sketch book.” She shot him an accusatory glare along with a teasing smile.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you stared at me the entire time I was packing.”

“Perhaps. It’s not my fault that you’re so lovely, Clary.” He tipped back his third shot and went on, “You’re making it incredibly difficult not to flirt with you right now, do you know that?”

“Obviously,” she chuckled before growing more serious and saying, “I’m sorry, Sebastian, I shouldn’t have brought that up. I don’t want to lead you on or—”

“I have no delusions as to what to expect from you, Clary, so please don’t worry about censoring yourself. I know what you’re going through right now and I want you to be able to say whatever you’d like to me without fear of the consequences.”

Clary went silent for a moment and took three large gulps of her drink, finishing it off. She set her glass on the table and met Sebastian’s gaze. “Well then…I’m going to need another drink to talk about all of the things I need to talk about.”


	2. Chapter 2

Clary was working on her third drink and had just poured all of her thoughts out to Sebastian. Well, maybe not all of them. She didn’t get into anything about Jace other than the fact that finding out her brother wasn’t actually alive was crushing. But she talked about Simon and how he was the only family she had left. She talked about losing her mother. She talked about how alone and scared she felt. Once she started it just wouldn’t stop. It all rolled off her tongue before she could even think to stop it and there was something oddly therapeutic about saying all of it out loud.

However, she was crying now and cradling her drink in her hands as she sniffed, “Sometimes I wish I could go back to the life I had before all of this. I was so happy and I had so many plans for myself. And now…God, now I don’t even know what I’m doing from one hour to the next…”

Sebastian, who was listening intently to everything she had to say and occasionally offering little insights, scooted closer to her and took the drink from her hands. He set it on the counter and took her hands in his, squeezing them gently.

“Clarissa—shit, sorry—Clary,” he fumbled, scrunching his eyes shut for a moment as he corrected himself. He opened them again a second later and went on, “Clary, I know that I haven’t been a part of your life for very long. I know that you don’t know me all that well. But I swear, I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Okay?”

Clary was taken aback by the intensity of his eyes. His expression was gentle, but that storm was there behind the surface. It sent a strange little shiver down her spine that she wasn’t sure how to interpret. She was slightly drunk, although not enough to really impair her, and she was confused by the boy sitting in front of her. He’d come out of nowhere and forcefully carved himself a place in her life, yet she barely knew anything about him.

“Sebastian…tell me about you,” she requested, allowing him to continue holding her hands. “Tell me about your family and your life.”

He seemed to falter now, for the first time that night, his eyes leaving hers to gaze at their interlocked hands. He shifted slightly and he seemed to be thinking—maybe trying to figure out where to start.

“I lost my mother, too,” he told her softly, glancing back up at her. “She’s been gone for a long time. And she, uh…well, she and I never really had the chance to know one another. I like to think that she loved me, but I can’t really be sure.”

Clary’s heart squeezed painfully at his confession and she pulled one of her hands free to grip his forearm. “Sebastian, I’m so sorry…of course she loved you, how could she not?”

“Oh, it’s alright. I’ve had my whole life to deal with it. And I don’t exactly have someone to miss; I don’t have the memories that you have with Jocelyn. It’s easier that way, I think.”

Clary suddenly cracked a smile, a little laugh escaping her. “I thought this was supposed to be a relaxing night.”

“You mean this group therapy session isn’t helping soothe you?” Sebastian quipped, laughing with her. “God, I am so sorry. This was supposed to be laid back and fun.”

“And yet here I am crying,” Clary sighed, pulling her hand from his arm to wipe her eyes. “Gross.”

“It’s not gross. You’re actually very pretty when you cry.” Sebastian ran his thumb over her knuckles as he spoke and she felt that shiver again, her heartbeat quickening. “I imagine there’s not many times when you’re not pretty.”

“You’re sweet, Sebastian.” She said it almost regretfully, watching his thumb as it ran over her hand. He was a good guy. Good and much more handsome than she wanted to admit to his face.

“Sweet enough to let me kiss you?”

Clary’s eyes shot up to his face and she could see that he was already regretting his choice of words. It was like he couldn’t help himself, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could process them, and now he was calculating all of the horrible responses she might have.

But there was an idea forming in her head that may not be as horrible to him as what he was probably imagining.

“If I let you kiss me, it can’t leave this apartment, okay?” she said, a little shocked with herself. Sebastian looked shocked as well, his eyes widening.

“Oh—yes, of course. As I said, I don’t have any expectations of you.”

“Okay…I just don’t want to hurt you, Sebastian. And I certainly don’t want to hurt Simon more than I already have.”

“Clary…you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he murmured, leaning slightly more into her. “This is all up to you. And it can be a one-time thing. We don’t ever have to talk about it again.”

Her heart was racing now and she was sure he could feel it in her wrist, which was where his thumb had roamed to. It stroked little circles over the sensitive skin there as his free hand moved to the back of her head. He tugged at her hair tie, loosening her hair and smiling as it fell over her shoulders.

“Your hair is stunning.”

She smiled softly, licking her lips as his hand cupped her face, and before she could think too much about it she closed the space between them and kissed him.

She started it soft and curious, exploring the taste and warmth of his lips, but she wasn’t prepared for the reaction she had spurred. Before she knew it Sebastian’s hand was at the back of her head again, tangling in her hair, and a little groan escaped him as deepened the kiss. He released her hand and cupped her face, but she couldn’t keep up with him. Her head was spinning at his sudden display of desire and she pressed her hands against his chest, giving him a little push.

He immediately broke the kiss, although he lingered close to her, and he was slightly breathless as he muttered, “Sorry. I’m sorry, Clary.”

“It’s okay, but let’s take it a little slow, alright?” She placed her hands on his shoulders before slowly sliding her arms around him.

“Yes. Yes, alright. I can do that.” He gave a little nod and it was almost like he was trying to convince himself.

Clary felt her reservations about being intimate with Sebastian creeping up again. He was obviously more invested than she could ever be and she felt horrible. But she’d told him, hadn’t she? That it wasn’t going anywhere beyond tonight?

“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked him.

He didn’t answer her with words. Instead he kissed her, slowly now, and stroked his hand through her hair instead of gripping it.

Clary sighed at his gentleness, settling into the kiss and wrapping her arms further around him. She supposed she ought to feel guilty about this, but at the moment she didn’t. Maybe she would in the morning, but for now she just wanted to forget everything except the feeling of Sebastian’s hands sliding down her sides and his tongue gently sweeping across the seam of her lips.

Sebastian was easy to get lost in. His body was chorded with slender muscle that she could feel through his grey Henley and his lips were warm and soft. He tasted like spiced rum and his tongue moved with expertise as it entered her mouth. His hands were gentle as they explored her torso, but they were confident.

Clary let out a little moan as his thumb moved under her shirt and pressed into the dip above her hip bone. He responded by gripping her hips tighter and pulling her closer, his thumb sliding lower until it was just beneath her waistband.

“Come here,” he murmured against her mouth. He guided her onto his lap until she was straddling him and ran his hands up the length of her back. “You’re so beautiful, Clary.”

Clary looked down at him, her face hovering over his, and she said with some astonishment, “So are you.”

Of course she knew Sebastian was gorgeous. Any girl with two functioning eyes could see that. But like this…his cheeks and lips were flushed with red, his eyes were dark and glistening, and his hair was mussed from where one of Clary’s hands had run through it. He looked positively irresistible as he stared up at her, desire practically dripping off of him. And she could feel that desire, too as she settled onto his lap, the hardness in his jeans pressing up into her.

She told herself in that moment that she wasn’t going to sleep with him. A heated make-out session was one thing; sex would be taking it to a level she wasn’t ready to commit to.

“Sebastian…is it okay if this all we do?” she asked quietly. “Just kissing, I mean. I don’t think I’m ready for…”

She could see a quick flicker of disappointment run across his face, but he masked it well and smiled at her.

“Of course,” he murmured, brushing her hair back from her face. “I’m just happy to be close to you…”

Clary stifled that pang of guilt she felt at his words by kissing him again, harder this time. He groaned and kissed her back, his arms winding tightly around her.

They went on like this for longer than Clary could keep track of. Eventually they wound up laid out on the couch, their bodies pressed up against each other at every point possible, mindlessly kissing until the entire apartment fell away. It was just the two of them, lips moving together as well as over one another’s jaws and necks. Their hands roamed freely and one of Sebastian’s was currently gripping Clary’s thigh which was hitched over his hip.

“I could do this forever,” Sebastian whispered, his hand now moving slowly down the length of her leg.

“I think I could, too,” Clary replied softly, pulling her head back to get a better look at him. “You’re such a mystery to me, Sebastian.”

“Hopefully in an attractive way.” He smirked, but his eyes had grown anxious.

“It’s just…you showed up out of nowhere and from the moment we met I’ve felt like…like I know you. You’re familiar to me, but I know there’s no way I’ve seen you before. Does that make any sense?”

Clary was fiddling with the buttons on the front of his shirt, but she held his gaze. She wanted to watch his reaction.

“It makes perfect sense,” he told her, his arm moving around her so he could bring her closer to him. There was gentle smile on his face, all of the anxiety gone. “I felt the same way from the second I first saw you. And maybe that’s because of all the stories I’d heard about you—about your strength and determination. Or…maybe it’s something more than that.”

Clary felt a sudden and inexplicable wave of tension roll through her at his words, the warm and comfortable haze that had fallen over her slipping away. Her hand dropped from his shirt and she looked down at their intertwined bodies.

“I think I should go back to the Institute,” she announced, suddenly untangling herself from him and sitting up.

Sebastian grabbed her arm as she went to stand. “Wait. Clary, what’s the matter?”

She turned her head and frowned at him apologetically. “Sebastian…I can’t give you what you want from me. I thought I could do this, but…”

But there was something between them—something she didn’t understand. It was a thing that she wasn’t prepared to discover when he obviously was and that would lead to nothing but trouble for them.

“I’m sorry,” she sighed, getting to her feet.

Sebastian sat up on the couch and insisted, “It’s my fault. I’m the one who ought to be sorry. I told you my intentions of bringing you here were innocent and they were when I offered, but I still took advantage of your vulnerable state and that’s not okay.”

“No, no…you asked me and I said yes and I shouldn’t have.”

“Will you please stay? I won’t ask anything else of you again, I promise. We could actually watch a movie like we were meant to.”

Clary saw the hopeful look in his eyes and she wanted to say yes. She didn’t want to make him feel bad. However, she had made a discovery tonight that she wasn’t prepared to face yet and she knew she needed to leave. Her hands were full enough with Simon and Jace. She didn’t need more feelings and complications.

“I can’t. And it’s not your fault, it’s just that there’s something good between us and I don’t want to mess that up because I’m in such a weird place right now.”

Sebastian glanced down at his feet and gave a little nod. “Right. May I at least walk you back to the Institute? The world is even more dangerous than usual these days.”

He looked back up at her, the corner of his mouth flicking upwards.

“Sure. Thank you.”

Clary grabbed her bag and headed towards the door, a pit forming in her stomach. Why did everything in her life have to be complicated? Why did so many new things and people have to take her life by storm at once? And why had she kissed Sebastian? She so badly needed a friend right now—a friend who didn’t live in the Institute and wasn’t complicated. She’d wanted that to be him, but she’d probably screwed that up, too.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and it pulled her from her thoughts. She stopped and turned to look at Sebastian who gave her shoulder a squeeze.

“Don’t fret, Clary. You’ve not chased me away. I stand by what I said before—I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My laptop is broken and I'm shipping it out to be fixed this week, but I'm still working on the fic in a notebook. I'll post again as soon as I can. Might just type the next chapter up on Google Drive on my phone and post if I have to, lol. Just wanted everyone to know why there may be a delay and that I'm still working hard at continuing this! :)

Sebastian had made a choice. It hadn’t been an easy one, but he’d made it. His father had done everything to convince him that he was not a mistake—that he cared about him—and for a moment Sebastian had almost given into it. Almost. But then he’d remembered Clary. He remembered what it was like to be close to her, to feel her against him and taste her lips. That had been the deciding factor in the end.

He sat on the cellar stairs of the old cottage Valentine had once brought Jace to, staring blankly at the scorch marks on the floor. An empty chair sat in the middle of the markings, the chair where Valentine had sat only minutes ago. But he was gone now. He was in Edom, suffering the way he had forced Sebastian to suffer for ten years.

And Sebastian? Sebastian was now safe to proceed as he wished. The only person who knew who he was was rotting in the realm of demons. Of course he knew he couldn’t maintain the facade of Sebastian Verlac forever and he didn’t intend to. He would tell Clary who he was when the time was right—when she was ready. And then they would stand strong together as the last of the Morgensterns and everything would fall into place the way it was meant to. He and Clary were made for each other. They were the perfect balance of angelic and demonic power and together they could make incredible things happen. But first he had to get back to the Institute. He couldn’t stay there and wait to be found. If there was one thing he knew about Jace it was that he was clever and sooner or later he’d come looking for Valentine here.

Clary was still reeling when she, Jace, and Isabelle made it back from Idris to the Institute. The things she had discovered there had shaken her to her core and as she listened to Jace relay all of it to Alec she tried to process it.

First of all was the thing that the rest of the shadowhunters were concerned with; something had happened to Valentine in that cabin and they were going to need Magnus to figure out what. It was demonic magic and something darker than Jace had ever seen.

Second was the bit that had Clary’s head spinning. The person who had created those markings was more than likely her brother. Jonathan was still alive and it was very possible he had done something horrible to their father.

“So what does this mean about Jonathan?” Alec wondered. “Is he on our side?”

“Something tells me he’s not on anyone’s side but his own,” Jace wagered, glancing over at Clary. “We know how Valentine raised me and I have angel blood. I can’t imagine how he must have treated the child he injected with demon blood. He hates demons.”

“So it’s a revenge thing?”

“That would be my best guess. But in the end we have no idea who we’re dealing with. Jocelyn seemed convinced that Jonathan was nothing but evil and destruction.”

“But what if he isn’t?” Clary interjected, something stirring inside of her that she couldn’t choke down. “I know he has demon blood, but he’s also a shadowhunter. And he has my mother’s blood, too. What if there’s some good left in him?”

“Good left in who?”

Clary turned her head to see Sebastian approaching with a curious look on his face. He smiled at her and added, “Sorry to interrupt, just trying to get caught up on what’s happening so I can be of assistance if needed.”

“It’s Jonathan…my brother,” Clary sighed as Sebastian came to stand next to her. “He’s alive and he’s done something to Valentine—some kind of dark magic.”

“We’re trying to figure out his possible motives and measure whether or not he’s a threat,” Jace expanded. “For all we know he wanted to get rid of Valentine so he could collect the Mortal Instruments for himself.”

“Or perhaps he hates his father as much as Clary does?” Sebastian suggested, crossing his arms and looking at Clary. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know what to think. I mean, Jace could be right, but…”

“But he’s your brother.”

“Yes. He’s my brother. And I don’t just want to send the cavalry after him if there’s a chance he could be helped.”

“Clary, I understand why you feel that way, but Jocelyn tried to kill Jace when she thought he was Jonathan,” Alec reminded her. “If she didn’t even think he could be helped…”

Clary felt tears stinging her eyes at Alec’s words and she fought them back the best she could. She hated that she cried when she was frustrated. It made her look weak.

“I don’t care what my mother tried to do. I didn’t agree with it then and I don’t now. I’m going to look for my brother.”

With that Clary turned on her heel and marched in the direction of her room. She could hear someone following her, but she didn’t bother to look and see who it was. She had an idea in her head and she had to try it herself before it occurred to anyone else.

“Clary, wait up. I want to help you.”

Clary came to a stop, sighing and closing her eyes. It was Sebastian following her. Of course it was. She still wasn’t sure what to do with herself in his presence after what had happened at his apartment, but she needed someone to be on her side so she waited for him.

“What’s the plan?” he asked as he came to stand in front of her.

“What makes you think I have a plan?”

“I can just tell. Now what are we doing?”

“Come with me.” Clary grabbed his hand, not wanting to waste any time, and dragged him along after her. She moved quickly and when they reached her room she burst through the door and let go of Sebastian. She knew exactly what she needed and she hurried to it’s hiding place.

She had held the box more times than she could count. Like her mother, she sometimes took it out and thought of the boy that could have been her brother. She thought of all the memories they might have shared if their father hadn’t been so evil and if they could have had a normal shadowhunter family.

Now she held it with the intention of tracking Jonathan. She cradled it in her hands, her heart racing as she imagined finding the brother she had always wanted. And maybe he wasn’t going to be exactly what she had hoped for; maybe he was going to present her with challenges she had never imagined, but she was prepared to face that. He was her family.

“What’s that?” Sebastian asked, standing at her side and looking curiously down at the little wooden box.

“It’s the box my mother kept Jonathan’s things in. His hair and a baby shoe. Look.” She popped the box open, but as she did so her heart dropped and she gasped. It was empty. Someone had taken the hair and the shoe. “I…I don’t understand…I just looked at them yesterday. Who would have taken them?”

Sebastian took the box from her hands and she allowed him. He looked it over slowly as she sat on the edge of her bed and then she heard the snap as he closed it. “It seems to be completely cleaned out. Not a hair left. Is there any way that your brother could have gotten a hold of it? Perhaps he doesn’t want to be tracked?”

Clary’s stomach knotted at that suggestion. That would mean Jonathan had somehow gotten into the Institute without anyone knowing. It would mean he had been in her room. But it made sense, didn’t it? How else would he have known they were transporting Valentine and been able to intercept him?

“But…how could he get in and out of the Institute without anyone noticing?”

“Think about it, Clary. Forgive my terminology, but he’s one of Valentine’s experiments. He probably has power beyond our comprehension, like you and your runes.” Sebastian came to sit next to her, setting the box behind them on the bed. “Perhaps we could try tracking him with the box?”

“It could be worth a shot, but it was my mother’s, not his. I don’t think it will work.” Her heart was sinking quickly and she was wracking her brain for another idea of where to start. She needed to find him before the Clave did. She needed a chance to talk to him first—to see who and what he had become. “I just…I can’t let them kill him until I know the truth about him. Until I know if he can be saved or not. I have to try.”

She felt Sebastian’s hand rest on top of hers and she looked at him, tears glistening in her eyes. He ran his thumb over her knuckles and said softly, “I will help you in any way I can. The Clave…they will see him as a threat no matter what. But you deserve the chance to know your brother.”

Clary flipped her hand over and laced her fingers through Sebastian’s. “Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to have someone on my side on this.”

“We need a plan. Do we know where Jonathan was last?”

“He was in Idris at this cottage that Valentine used to take Jace to. But it has to be swarming with Clave members by now.”

“Do you think he would stay in Idris?”

Clary shrugged. “I have no idea. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. That’s the first place they’ll look for him. And I certainly wouldn’t come back here. God, he could be anywhere.”

“Perhaps it’s best if we keep our intentions to ourselves for now and simply listen in,” Sebastian suggested. “If they’re in Idris searching the cottage then maybe they will turn over some valuable information that we can use. He won’t want to be found by them, but something tells me he might feel differently about his sister.”

“Maybe. I guess it’s all we can hope for at the moment.”

“I’ll tell Alec and Jace that I talked you into letting the Clave handle it. In the meantime, why don’t you try out the box and let me know how that goes.”

“Okay. Thank you again, Sebastian. You’re a good friend.” Clary squeezed his hand and without thinking she leaned in and kissed his cheek. At the feeling of his skin under lips though she was brought back to her time with him on his couch and she felt an immediate surge of regret. She shouldn’t be leading him on, but she felt so at ease with him.

“You’re welcome. We’ll find your brother, Clary. Things will work out how they’re meant to, don’t you worry.”

He used his free hand to brush a curl back from her face and she glanced down at the bed, unable to face the intimacy in the way he looked at her. A moment later though he was standing up and heading for the door, off to do his part of the job.

“I’ll text you, okay?” she called after him. He turned and gave a nod before leaving the room. The door clicked shut behind him and Clary moved to grab the box. She didn’t think this was going to work, but she at least had to try. She had to find Jonathan.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in a notebook and then typed it up on Google Docs on my phone. My fingers hurt. But here you go. Lol. Can't wait for my laptop to be fixed. XD Also shout out to one of my reviewers, I tried to do what you asked in this chapter with Jace. :)

“He’s pretty much a ghost in the wind at this point,” Jace was saying as he, Isabelle, Alec, and Clary sat around a table at Taki’s Diner and tried to decide their next move. “He didn’t leave a single trace at the cottage. However, Magnus was able to find out what it was that Sebastian did and let’s just say the Clave is in complete chaos. They have no idea what to do now.”

“So what did he do?” Clary pressed, her gaze moving from Jace to Alec and back. “Where’s Valentine?”

“He’s in Edom,” Alec sighed, slumping in his seat. When Clary shot him a confused look he explained, “It’s a demon realm. He’ll be trapped there and it’ll be virtually impossible for us to get him out.”

Clary’s jaw dropped. She hadn’t known what to expect, but it wasn’t that. “Oh my god. That has to be…really powerful magic. And Jonathan…he just did it on his own?”

“It seems so,” Jace replied, looking half impressed and half disgusted. “I don’t know yet if they’re going to try getting Valentine out or not, but I do know they’re going to be putting a majority of their focus on finding Jonathan. He’s a wild card with demon blood—he’s the last thing they want running loose.”

Clary bit her tongue before she could snap at Jace for talking about her brother like a rabid dog. She wasn’t stupid—he was obviously powerful and potentially dangerous—but he was her family. He was the only family she had left.

“It’s probably best to find out what his intentions are, even I have to admit that,” she sighed. “I guess I’m just afraid of what we’ll find. And I’m afraid that the Clave won’t give him a chance.”

“Well, he did deal with Valentine for them. At least for now anyway,” Alec pointed out. “We know where he is and we know he’s not getting out for a while, so that’s something.”

“That’s true. Whether they like it or not, your brother did them a favor,” Isabelle added.

“Yeah, well…call me crazy, but with their track record that doesn’t really comfort me.” Clary got to her feet and smiled at the others. “I’m gonna go hang around the Institute and see if I can pick up any more information. I’ll see you guys later.”

 

Clary knocked at Sebastian’s door, her thoughts racing as she listened to the sound of his footsteps inside. She had this horrible feeling in her gut now that Jace had confirmed her fear that the Clave would be turning it’s focus on her brother. She needed to do something, anything, to get her closer to finding Jonathan and she had an idea that she doubted the others at the Institute would help her with. At least they wouldn’t agree to the part where they wouldn’t turn any information over to the Clave.

The door swung open and Sebastian smiled down at her, breaking her from her reverie. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite shadowhunter. What can I do for you, Clary?”

Clary dipped under his arm and entered his apartment without saying a word until he had shut the door and turned to face her.

“You and I are going to take a trip,” she announced. “That is if you’re up for it.”

“A trip with you? Count me in. Where are we going?”

“Idris. Back to the cottage where Jonathan last was.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her. “But I thought you said Idris was the last place he would be?”

“Honestly, at this point I have no idea where he would be,” she sighed, shrugging. “And I want to see if there’s any more clues in the cottage about where he might have gone. Maybe Valentine wrote something somewhere about a place—something that would mean something to Jonathan.”

“Well then,” Sebastian said, rubbing his hands together. “I'll pack my things. Shall I meet you at the Institute?”

“No need,” Clary assured him, gesturing to the backpack over her shoulder. “I'm all set.”

“Why am I not surprised?” He chuckled and began to move around the apartment, gathering his things.

“I left a note for Jace and the others telling them I was going to look for Jonathan and not to come after me. I promised I'd be in touch, but I don't know if it will be enough for them to respect my wishes.”

“Did you happen to mention in this note that you would be taking me with you?”

“Yes. Not sure if that's going to help or hinder my case, but I guess we'll find out, won't we?” Clary shrugged as Sebastian threw clothes into a duffle bag. “Izzy trusts you, so maybe she'll talk Jace into letting me do this.”

Sebastian ceased his packing for a moment at her words and made his way over to her. Clary was taken aback by the sudden intensity on his face as he stood before her, meeting her gaze.

“Clary, my dear girl, I need you to understand something,” he started, gripping her arms and holding her in place. “No one _lets_ you do anything. You are Clarissa Morgenstern, and I know how you hate that piece of yourself, but it's the reason you are who you are today and the reason true angel blood courses in your veins. You are special and you do not answer to the Clave or Valentine or even Jace. If we're going to find your brother before the Clave does and give him any sort of chance, you must understand that. You are all he has in this world, you know that, don't you?”

Clary was dumbfounded and tears stung the backs of her eyes, but she managed a quick nod. “Yes, of course I know that, I...I just didn't realize you felt so strongly about it.”

Some of the intensity left him and he released his grip on her. “I'm sorry. It's just that I've been all alone in the world before and I've had people turn their backs on me for the sake of the Angel. When I...when I was still hooked on yin fen...it was the darkest time of my life and it was up to me to find my way out. I had nobody. And I can imagine how Jonathan must feel.”

Clary felt her heart sink, both for Sebastian and for her brother. She always managed to forget the darker side of Sebastian. He was so vibrant and kind and witty, it was hard to imagine him lost in the throes of a drug addiction.

“I'm glad that you made it out,” she told him softly, running a soothing hand down his arm. “And you don't ever have to be alone like that again. And once we find Jonathan, neither will he.”

Sebastian grasped her hand in his before she could pull it back and he smiled at her. “He's lucky to have you.”

Clary’s cheeks reddened and she slipped her hand out of his. “Get packing so we can go find him.”

“Right, of course,” he laughed, shaking his head and bursting back into motion.

Clary wondered as she watched him if she was making a mistake by taking him with her. There was so much she didn't know about him and this connection between them...it all felt like a ticking time bomb, but she couldn't help trusting him regardless. She needed his help and he'd been there for her so far. Still, something told her that this trip to Idris was going to be quite the adventure.

 

Jace went back to the Institute as soon as he and the others were finished with lunch. He wanted to check on Clary and make sure she wasn't up to anything reckless. He'd learned by now to sense it when she was covering up her fiery stubbornness and the abrupt way she'd left the diner had put him on edge.

He made his way over to one of the shadowhunters who was usually working in the main hall of the Institute, a stocky and dark haired young man, and asked, “Have you seen Clary today?”

“Yeah, she came in and then left again about an hour ago,” the man informed him. “I figured she had a mission.”

“She doesn't have any missions, the Clave wants her away from the business with Jonathan.” Jace crossed his arms, feeling more antsy now.

“Well, she might have gone to see Sebastian,” the Shadowhunter suggested.

“Sebastian? Why would she go see him?”

“I mean, I don't know the details, but she left with him earlier this week. She was in her pajamas and had her bag with her, so I figured there might be something going on there and I didn't want to pry into their personal business.”

Jace felt his blood run cold at this information, but he kept a calm composure. “Right. Thanks. I'll check in with Sebastian.”

He walked back towards the front doors, his mind racing. He had no right to the chilling jealousy that had swept through him at the thought of “something going on” between Clary and Sebastian, but that didn't stop him from feeling it. He wasn't sure which idea was worse--Clary finding solace in Sebastian after her break up with Simon or her plotting some ridiculous plan with him to find Jonathan. Either way he was heading to Sebastian’s apartment immediately and as he left the Institute he dialed Izzy’s number to ask for the address.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not edited at all so I'm sorry if there's any errors. Just shipped my laptop out to be fixed today. *sigh* But anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter. Got to introduce some of Sebastian's true colors in this one. ;) But only a smidgen.

Sebastian wanted to avoid going into the heart of Idris at all costs. There were too many people who might recognize “Sebastian Verlac” and with the real boy dead he no longer had a source of information on Verlac’s past. Luckily it had been easy to convince Clary that it was best for  _ her _ not to be seen in Idris, which is why they were camping about three miles away from the old cabin where he had sent his father to Edom.

Clary was sleeping in the small tent now and he was meant to be keeping watch, but he was looking in through the entrance of the tent rather than out into the trees. His eyes rested on the sleeping girl and didn't move for a long while. He watched her chest rise and fall and observed the way her red hair spread over her pillow. 

The first time Sebastian had met her he had not been surprised by how stunning she was. He'd always known she'd be beautiful--the radiant flame to counter his darkness. She was his other half; the angel to quiet his demons and the only warrior worthy of fighting at his side. Together they were unstoppable--a force that could never be tamed by the likes of the pathetic Clave. He just had to make Clary see that before he could reveal the truth of his identity to her. Of course they belonged together, but he knew enough of social norms to know that the situation had to be handled delicately. 

It was hard at times though. Sometimes he wanted to grab and kiss her and shout, "Can't you see who I am?!" Because he knew that some part of her did know, although to her it was just some inexplicable "connection" between the two of them. Their souls and their blood called to one another and she could feel it, she simply didn't understand the message yet. 

But she would. She would see that they were made for each other and she would embrace him as he was. It was only a matter of time. 

Sebastian crept into the tent now, moving to sit next to his sister. He meant to simply watch her for a moment longer, admiring the way her lips parted to let soft breaths pass. But he couldn't help himself as he slowly reached out and brushed his fingers over collarbone and shoulder, which were bared by her tank top. Her skin was so soft and fare and he ached to see more of it, but he knew he had to practice restraint. It wasn't his strong suit, but for this he could manage.

Sighing, he pulled his hand back and moved back outside the tent, zipping the entrance shut in an attempt to remove temptation. He would have her soon enough and when he did he wanted to be able to look her in the eyes and know that she knew who he truly was and wanted him back regardless. 

He let that fantasy fill his head and unable to ignore the straining in his pantd, he slipped his hand past his waistband and allowed himself to get lost in what he knew would eventually be. 

 

Clary was incredibly antsy as she and Sebastian sat outside their tent eating dinner. They'd walked to the cabin that morning to find that it was still occupied by Clave members, but Sebastian assured her it wouldn't be much longer. 

"They won't want to waste soldiers on something they've already deemed a dead end. They'll move on soon," he told her. "In the meantime, I think there's something else we should do. I feel it might interest you."

"And what's that?" Clary raised an eyebrow at him, hoping he wasn't about to start flirting. 

"How would you like to see where your family lived? Where Jonathan was born?"

Clary suddenly felt as if she'd stepped off a cliff and her throat tightened. "Uhm...isn't that too risky if we're trying not to be found?"

"Not if we go now. It's fairly far from the city and its unlikely we'll be bothered at night." 

"I...I don't know, Sebastian...isn't it just a pile of ashes now?" Clary didn't know why she was fighting him on it, because the urge to go was almost overwhelming. But there was something foreboding about the idea of seeing the place where so many awful things had happened--where her brother had been poisoned and stolen from her before she was even conceived. 

"There's not much left standing, no," he admitted. "We don't have to go if you don't want to; I just thought perhaps it would help you feel closer to Jonathan. It may not be able to tell us where he is, but it could hold other answers for you."

Clary did her best to stifle the fear bubbling up inside of her. It wouldn't hurt anything to go and it may even help. She should go see it, just the one time. 

"I want to go," she decided, getting to her feet. "How far away is it? Should we portal?"

"We can portal to the woods nearby and walk the rest of the way," Sebastian instructed, standing as well. "Shall we?"

 

Jace had already knocked rather loudly at Sebastian's door about three times now. He was fairly sure no one was home and he knew he should just leave, but there was an irrational part of his brain that was losing it at the idea of Sebastian and Clary being off God-knows-where together. And sure, maybe a little piece of that was jealousy, but there was something else nagging at him. 

Jace didn't trust Sebastian. There was something about the way he'd just shown up out of nowhere and assigned himself to Valentine's case that didn't sit right with Jace. He knew Alec felt it, too. However, there was no convincing Isabelle and now it appeared that Clary was a lost cause as well. 

He was contemplating breaking into the apartment when his phone started buzzing. He pulled it from his pocket to see "Izzy" scrawled across the screen and decided it was best to answer.

"What's up, Iz?" 

"It's Clary. I know where she is. You should get back to the Institute." 

Jace wasted no time. He hung up the phone and hurried out of the apartment building without giving the break in another thought. 

 

Sebastian walked a few steps behind Clary as they approached the crumbled remains of his family home. The place was nothing more than ashes, pieces of charred framework, and a still-standing stone fireplace. The sight of it no longer evoked any emotions in him, but he knew how it would effect Clary. 

She stood before it now and she wound her arms around herself, murmuring, "I would have grown up in Idris with my big brother." 

Sebastian's chest tightened at her words and he moved closet to her, his hands longing to reach for her. But he would wait until she turned to him. 

"That life is nothing more than a fantasy, Clary. You'll only hurt yourself dwelling on it. That brother...he doesn't exist. But the real one...he's still out there and he needs you."

"What if I can't help him?" Her voice was choked and he knew her eyes must be swimming with tears. "My mom...she said..."

"Forget what your mother said. Jocelyn thought she knew what was best for you as well and she couldn't have been more wrong." 

He could see her shoulders shaking and her words were breathless as she whimpered, "I just can't lose the only family I have left."

Before Sebastian could reply she was turning and falling against him, pressing her tear streaked face into his jacket. He immediately folded his arms around her, one of his hands cradling the back of her head, and he rested his chin on her hair. 

"Shh...Clary, darling, you are never alone, remember that," he cooed, stroking her hair. "I'm here for you. I won't ever leave you, okay?" 

He wanted so badly in that moment to tell her the truth. It was an ache inside of him that was only growing with time and it throbed as she sobbed against him. "You will never lose me" is what he really wanted to say, but he bit his tongue. Now wasn't the time, no matter how poetic the location. 

He allowed himself to kiss the top of her head and inhale the scent of her, letting it fill his head and distract him from all the things he wanted to say.

"You're too good to me, Sebastian," she finally muttered as her hysterics settled. She pulled her head back and looked up at him. "No one else would have done thin for me. Any of this." 

"Clary..." He placed his hand against her cheek and wiped away the wetness there with his thumb. "I would do anything for you."

"Why?" She frowned at him in confusion, but didn't pull away from his touch. 

_Because you are my sister. Because you are the only thing I've ever loved. Because you are the only good thing in my life. Because you are my other half and we are meant to be as one. Because we are strongest together--the last of the Morgensterns, taking the world by storm._

Sebastian fought to silence his racing thoughts and said softly instead, "Because you are the most incredible and special woman I have ever met and I know when to walk away or play all my cards. I'd bet my life on you, Clary."

Clary smiled weakly, a tiny laugh escaping her. "You'd be crazy to do that. Everyone close to me gets hurt or dies." 

"Well, I think you're worth the risk." He offered a gentle smile before spinning her around to face the rubble of their old home. He kept his arms wound around her from behind and she allowed him to hold her. "It's just a burnt house, Clary. It's not some alternate life you might have had. This is your life, right here, and despite your struggles I'd say you're getting through it just fine."

"It all feels so two-sided," Clary sighed, laying her head back against his chest. "I've lost so much by discovering thus world, but I've gained just as much. And sometimes I feel so grateful and other times I want all of it to go back to the way it was before."

"If it makes any difference, I'm very grateful you're a part of this world."

He heard her laugh lightly before she unwound herself from his arms, turning to look at him. "Let's go back to camp. You're right--there's nothing for me here. My brother didn't die here and that's all that matters."

Sebastian nodded his agreement, already missing the feeling of her in his arms. It took everything he had not to grab her and kiss her--to just let her walk back towards the woods. 

"Are you coming?" she called, stopping as she neared the tree line. 

He shook himself out of his reverie and hurried after her, reminding himself that he had a part to play for now. Someday she'd be his to kiss and hold and ravage any time he pleased. He just had to be patient. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapters have been short. I've been so busy and my laptop is STILL in repair and I don't have an estimated completion date for the repairs yet. But I promise I'm gonna make up for it in the next chapter. It's gonna be long and gratuitous, lol. I also want to throw out a song I've been hooked on that reminds me of this pair and that's the stripped version of Trouble by Halsey. :)

Jace and Isabelle stood together in Clary's room as Jace read the note she had left for the third time. His mind was spinning with questions and he looked up at Isabelle, frowning deeply. 

"Why didn't she come to us for this?" he asked, waving the note in the air. "I knew she wanted to find Jonathan, but--"

"Because she knew what we would all say," Isabelle interrupted, placing herhands on her hips. "Jace, Jonathan is the Clave's top priority right now. Going against them on this could get any of us de-runed if it went badly. We both know there's no way you and Alec would have gone for this."

"So you would have?" Jace retorted, tossing the note down. 

"I'm not sure that I would have, but Alec is the head of the Institute and you...well, you treat Clary like she's this fragile thing that needs your protection."

"She's not even fully trained, Izzy. What if Jonathan turns out to be psychotic and tries to hurt her?" 

"She's tough. And Sebastian will look after her, I promise," Izzy insisted, resting a hand on his arm. "I've seen him fight. He's strong and he's perfectly capable of protecting her without making her feel like she needs protecting. He's exactly what she needs right now--that's why she went to him."

"We don't even know him."

"I know him. Well enough to trust him, anyway. He saved my life. He's a good man and great shadowhunter. And Jace...you have to let Clary do this. You'll only push her away if you try standing in her way." 

Jace sighed heavily, closing his eyes and regaining his composure. He needed to talk to Alec. Alec would understand. 

"I guess we both know that Clary does what she wants," he admitted, letting his irritation at that fact leak into his voice. 

"She needs this," Isabelle pressed. "This is bigger than the law and getting her runes stripped to her." 

"And what happens when Jonathan turns out to be a monster? She thinks he can be saved, but what if he can't?"

"Then we'll be there to pick up the pieces, because that's what friends do. She has to figure this one out for herself." 

Jace just shook his head and marched out of the room. Nothing about this felt right to him. If Jonathan was lost to the demon blood or if Sebastian wasn't the good guy that Isabelle believed him to be then it could be a fatal lesson for Clary to learn. He had to do something. 

 

Clary and Sebastian were finally able to make it into the cottage the next day. They'd been there for an hour now and they sat on the floor of the library, surrounded by books and small, wooden chests. 

Sebastian wasn't surprised by the lack of infomation on him in Valentine's journals. There was only one that held any details on him and it was the one Clary had already looked through on her first visit. He would have kept everything else where he had kept Sebastian--away from Jace. 

Clary was reading through the journal again, her eyebrows furrowed. He watched her and wondered what part she was reading and what she was thinking. 

"Found anything worthwhile?" he asked, setting aside the book he'd been skimming through. He didn't care to keep looking at it. All the notes on his father's other life with Jace made him want to burn the whole place to the ground. 

"No, but...," she frowned and shook her head, "I just don't understand why he would do all of this to his own son. It's... _horrifying._ " 

Sebastian frowned as well and glanced down at his hands. "It seems his beliefs were always more important than his family."

"More important than anything," Clary agreed, closing the book and sighing. "I don't know what I expected to find. If there was anything useful the Clave would have found it and taken it. Coming here was probably just a waste of time." 

"I think you believed that because Jonathan is your brother that you might understand him better--that you might see something they missed." Sebastian looked back up at her and met her gaze. "It was worth a shot."

"If only we knew where Valentine had kept him. It obviously wasn't here with Jace, so there has to be another place. But where?"

"I wouldn't even know where to begin searching," Sebastian lied. It would be easy to point her in the right direction, but that was the last thing he wanted to do. He would never go back to the place for as long as he lived. 

However, there was something else he could suggest. It was an idea that had been nagging at him since they'd left his apartment. There was a place where he had spent time building Sebastian Verlac's back story as a yin fen addict and it was somewhere he longed to take Clary. He wanted to see how she would handle herself when she was surrounded by some of the darker parts of the downworld. 

"There is one last avenue we have yet to venture down," he told her, watching the way her defeated eyes lit up with hope at his words. "But it could be dangerous for you if you don't follow my lead when we get there." 

"Where is it? If you think it could help then we should--"

"Clary, we will go, but there are things you should know first. This is a place from a very dark part of my life and you may have to see a side of me you're not used to."

She froze at that, concern washing over her face. "Are you sure you want to go? It won't be too much for you?"

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. But, uh...it might be best if you leave most of the talking to me and maybe...well..."

"What?"

Sebastian sighed and went on, "We should probably do our best to convince these old friends of mine that we're... _lovers_. They'd be more likely to leave you alone that way. They respect me and they'll respect that you're special to me." 

"I see...," Clary murmured, narrowing her eyes at him. "Well, safety first, I guess. So where is this place?"

"Paris. More specifically the Paris downworld. That's where I used to spend most of my time before I decided to get clean. There's a club we can go to; people there know everything that happens in the downworld. If Jonathan has been mingling with others of demon blood they'll know about it." 

"I hate to think of him hiding in places like that, but it does make sense."

"It's the easiest place to disappear, especially if shadowhunters are the ones looking for you." Sebastian glanced around at the books surrounding them and went on, "So when would you like to go? We might need to pick up some different clothes for you. Some things that look less like hunting gear and a bit more...risque."

"So now you want me to act like your girlfriend  _and_ wear less clothes?"

He laughed, standing and assuring her, "Nothing too obscene, I promise. But jeans and sweaters aren't exactly going to fit in where we're going and neither will gear."

"Right." Clary stood as well, putting on a smile. "Well, we don't really have more time to waste than we already have. Let's go to Paris."

 

"I don't know what we can do," Alec sighed, leaning back on his desk and frowning at Jace. "She hasn't actually done anything wrong and I doubt she's any closer to finding him than we are. The Clave won't waste resources on her."

"What if I could prove she was in danger?" Jace pressed. He needed someone on his side and he knew Alec didn't trust Sebastian either. This was his only shot. 

"How do you plan to do that? I mean, I don't exactly trust the guy, but she left with him willingly. I want to help you, but I don't see what I can do."

"Let's search his place. If we don't find anything suspicious thend we'll call it quits and I'll let her go." Jace gave Alec a pleading look, knowing his brother wouldn't be able to refuse him on this. "I'll do it on my own, but I'd like to have a witness."

"Yeah, alright...we'll search his apartment," Alec caved, standing up straight. "Let's go do this thing."

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! My laptop is home!! Writing this chapter was so much easier than writing ALL the other chapters I've had to do in a notebook, haha. So yeah, this was basically just me doing what I wanted while also trying to keep to my planned story line, so enjoy :P

Clary stood in the bathroom of the Paris hotel room she was sharing with Sebastian and bit her lip as she studied herself in the large mirror on the back of the door. She had applied smoky eyeshadow and a deep, wine-red lipstick. Her hair was down in her usual thick waves and she wore a short, black lace dress with a high neck and long sleeves. Her black boots reached all the way up to her thighs, leaving only a peak of white skin between them and the dress. She couldn’t help thinking that Isabelle would be proud of her and she remembered her promise to keep in touch. She snapped a quick photo with her phone and sent it to Izzy with a message saying, “Safe and sound. Going to a club with Seb to look for a lead. How’d I do without your help?”

Within seconds a reply popped up on Clary’s phone and she read it with a small smile on her lips. “A++. You look hot! Stay safe tell me how it goes.”

With that little boost of confidence she took a deep breath and headed back out into the suite, giving Sebastian a bashful smile as she came to a stop and asked, “How’s this? Will it pass?”

Sebastian, who looked dashing in an all black suit the first couple buttons on his shirt undone, stopped in his tracks to openly stare at her. There was obvious desire and awe in his eyes and Clary anxiously crossed her arms.

“It’s perfect,” he said with a smile. “You look positively ravishing, Clary.”

“Thanks. You look pretty great yourself. This must be a classy club.”

“Yes and no,” Sebastian chuckled. “The décor and attire is high class, but the dancing and drugs…”

Clary bit her lip again and tried not to think about how nervous she was to be going to a place like that. She’d never been the type to hang around places where drugs were present, not even in high school. But at least she would have Sebastian to guide her and look out for her.

He seemed to notice her nerves, because he walked up to her and placed his hands on her arms. “Not to worry, darling. No one will lay a finger on you so long as I’m around.”

“Darling?” She smirked at him and he returned the look.

“Just getting into character,” he teased, giving her arms a gentle squeeze before releasing her. “Why don’t we get going?”

“Good idea.”

“And Clary…there’s going to be a fair amount of vampires and other sorts at this place, but I assure you they won’t harm you so long as you’re with me.”

Clary stood up a little straighter and said, “I’m a big girl, Sebastian. I can do this. Let’s go.”

 

The walk to the club was quicker than Clary expected, but the location was every bit as seedy as she’d imagined. It was tucked back into a dark alley between two unappealing brick buildings and a small plaque was posted next to the crimson door that read, “Cristaux de Sang”.

“Crystals of Blood,” Sebastian told her. “Very creative name, I know.”

“It’s pretty awful,” she chuckled, reaching for his hand as he went to open the door. Pretending to be his girlfriend wasn’t going to be a problem—she wasn’t going to want to leave his side.

He went through the door first and she stayed close behind him, glancing around as she entered the infamous club. It had a very clean, polished Victorian look about it with a lot of marble and red velvet. And of course there were crystals the color of blood hanging from the chandeliers. There were two levels with tables and velvet booths off to the side and a large, open dance floor in the middle. The crowd on the dance floor was thick and she could definitely see what Sebastian had meant about the lack of class when it came to the dancing. 

A very large security guard in a black suit greeted them, saying, “It’s been a while, Mister Verlac. Good to see you again.”

“You, too, Michael.” Sebastian flashed a charming grin and pulled Clary close to him, an arm sliding around her waist. “I’d like for you to meet Clary. She’s, uh…sort of the reason I haven’t been around in a while.”

“Ah, I can see why. What a beauty. It’s lovely to meet you, Miss Clary,” Michael said, extending a hand to her.

Clary shook his hand and smiled. “Thank you. It’s good to meet you, too.”

“So, is Celine working tonight?” Sebastian asked the guard. “She’s my favorite bartender; I’ll be very disappointed if she’s not.”

“I believe she is. Top floor tonight if I’m not mistaken.” Michael gave a nod and unhooked the velvet rope to allow them entry.

Clary gave a little wave at the guard as Sebastian ushered her the rest of the way inside and once they were out of earshot she murmured, “Is Michael a vampire?”

“How could you tell?” Sebastian wondered, leading her towards a spiral staircase off the right side of the club.

“Cold hands,” she explained. “Reminded me of Simon.”

She could swear that at the mention of Simon his grip on her waist tightened slightly, but before she had time to think about it he was leading her to a bar where a young and very beautiful women with long dark hair was making a drink and chatting with what appeared to be a fairy girl. She wore a black corset embroidered with red roses and dark makeup and her face lit up when she looked over to see Sebastian reaching the bar.

“Seb!” she exclaimed, finishing up the drink she was making and sliding it to the girl without glancing at her. “Where have you been?”

Sebastian removed his arm from around Clary and rested his arms on the bar, smirking at the bartender. “I’ve been a bit occupied in New York. I met this lovely girl next to me and just couldn’t bring myself to leave without her. But I must say, I did miss you.”

“I missed you, too. But I can’t say I blame you; she’s a doll. What’s your name, sweetie?” Celine grinned at Clary in a way that said she wouldn’t mind taking her home after her shift and planted her hands on top of the bar.

“It’s Clary,” Clary muttered, a bit taken aback by the forcefulness of Celine’s presence. She was the type of person who commanded attention without having to actively seek it. “You must be Celine.”

“I am. Now, if you don’t mind me asking…is that Clary Morgenstern?”

“Technically. I prefer Fairchild though.”

“Wow. Valentine’s daughter. I suppose it would take someone as special as you to catch Seb’s attention. I tried for a long time with no luck.” Celine smirked and winked at Sebastian. “No hard feelings, of course.”

“Clary certainly is one-of-a-kind,” Sebastian said, putting his arm back around Clary and looking over at her. Their eyes met and Clary only had a second of warning before he pressed a kiss to her lips. It was over just as quick and Sebastian’s attention was back on Celine as he asked, “When does your shift end? Clary and I had some important matters we wanted to discuss with you when you have the chance.”

“I’ve still got an hour and a half,” Celine replied. “Why don’t you two have some drinks and hang out? We can chat when I’m off.”

“Could you mix up a couple of those fun fairy concoctions you’re so good at?” Sebastian asked, leaning in a little closer to her and practically batting his eyelashes at her. Clary could pretty much see her knees going weak and she felt a little bad for the girl. She obviously liked Sebastian a lot.

“Sure thing. Have a seat and I’ll have ‘em out to you in a few.”

Sebastian smiled at her and then turned his attention to Clary who asked him uncertainly, “Fairy drinks? Aren’t those kind of…dangerous?”

“Not these. They’re pretty much just fancy liquor that give you a very happy drunk feeling and no hangover.”

“Oh. Well that sounds nice.”

“They certainly make the more dangerous drinks here, but we don’t need you hallucinating and wondering off before we can even talk to Celine.” He led her to a little corner booth and they sat down, Sebastian’s arm immediately going around her shoulders. “However, we could have some fun with them once we’ve gotten the information we need…”

“I’m not sure hallucinating in a club full of fairies and vampires is how I want to spend my night,” Clary retorted, raising an eyebrow at him. “This place really doesn’t seem so bad, by the way. Not so far.”

“That’s because we’re upstairs. Down near the dance floor and in the back rooms is where all the mischief takes place.”

“Did you spend a lot of time in the back rooms when you used to come here?” Clary wondered.

“I might have. If you’re curious we could always go dance. I’d keep you safe.” He smirked and toyed with her hair and she felt her face flush. The way he was looking at her, not even bothering to hide his want for her like he usually at least tried to do, was setting her on edge.

“I don’t dance,” she told him, doing her best to hold his gaze. She knew Celine, among others, had to be watching them and she had to keep in mind that they were supposed to be “lovers”. If she shied away from him they wouldn’t be very convincing.

At that moment two pink drinks in margarita glasses were set in front of them. They each had flower petals floating on the surface and berries sitting at the bottom. They were very pretty.

“Drink one or two of those and I bet you’ll dance,” he teased, taking a sip of his own drink.

“Is that your plan? To get me drunk on fairy potion and sneak me into a private room downstairs?”

“I would never take advantage of you, Clary. When you finally decide to give into your buried desire for me I’d like for you be aware of it.” Sebastian slid her drink her way and she took it, unable to keep looking at him now.

She took a long drink of the fruity concoction before saying, “You’re awfully bold tonight.”

“It’s Paris. It brings out a different side of me.”

“That’s a likely excuse.”

Sebastian laughed at her retort and sighed, “Can you at least pretend to enjoy my company? If it wasn’t for our cover I’m fairly sure Celine would drug you and take you home.”

“Also a likely excuse,” Clary went on, smirking at him now. Although she was pretty sure he wasn’t joking about that. “And I do enjoy your company.”

“I know you do.” He smiled and leaned closer to her. “Are you going to punch me if I kiss you or are you willing to play along?”

“You are _so_ taking advantage.”

“Perhaps. Just a little. But it’s not like we haven’t done it before.”

“Just one. We don’t have to be one of those ‘couples’ that makes out constantly,” Clary insisted, giving him a stern look.

“If you say so,” Sebastian sighed, cupping her cheek as he closed the space between them. Their lips met and he kissed her slow and soft, obviously determined to make his “one kiss” last for a moment.

Clary told herself as she kissed him back that she was playing a part, but it didn’t feel like acting as she gripped the lapels of his jacket and pulled him a little closer. She had almost forgotten how soft his lips were and at the moment they tasted like the fruity fairy drink. Kissing him was pleasant; she didn’t have to make herself do it. As a matter of fact, she was finding it hard to stop. And she knew she would have to be the one to break it off. He’d keep going until Celine was done with her shift if Clary let him.

She let it go a little longer than she probably should have, enjoying the feeling of his hand wound into the back of her hair, but she managed to snap herself out of it and pull back. There was no hiding the fact that she was a little breathless and red in the face though and she didn’t miss the knowing look in his eyes as he let go of her and finished his drink.

 

Sebastian was feeling a bit moody by the time Celine came to get them. That kiss had shaken him up and put him on edge. He wanted more. He wanted to do exactly what he said he wouldn’t do and feed Clary drinks until she stopped refusing him. He wanted to take her back to the hotel and make her feel so good that she’d never be able to refuse him again.

But instead he followed her and Celine into one of the nicer private rooms on the second floor and did his best to keep his mind on business. They were at the club for a reason and although he already knew it would be a dead end, Clary was still hopeful. He needed to play his part.

He settled onto a white couch next to his sister, his eyes roaming to her thighs as her dress slid up just slightly when she sat down. He indulged himself, reaching over and resting a hand on her right thigh as Celine sat in an armchair across from them and asked, “So, what is it that you wanted to discuss?”

“Well, Clary and I are looking for information on a specific person of interest. We’ve hit nothing but dead ends so far, but I figured if anyone would know something it would be you,” Sebastian told her, giving her a sweet smile.

“It’s rare that anything worthwhile happens in the downworld and doesn’t reach my ears, so I might be able to help,” the fairy girl mused, sipping a neon green drink from a tall glass. “Who is this person?”

“It’s my brother,” Clary interjected, her hand grabbing Sebastian’s. She wound their fingers together and Sebastian could tell she was nervous. “Jonathan Morgenstern. I thought he was dead for so long, but…it turns out he isn’t. And I want to find him.”

“I see,” Celine sighed, crossing her legs and sitting up a little straighter. “That is incredibly valuable information the two of you are seeking. _Sensitive_ information. The Clave is after him as well.”

“Yes, they are,” Sebastian admitted. “However, I’m fairly sure they want to kill him. Clary…she’d like the opportunity to help him if she can.”

“Well, you’re in luck. This isn’t the first time his name has came up recently and I do have some information.”

“You do?” Clary’s eyes widened and she squeezed Sebastian’s hand.

Celine smirked at Clary’s reaction and nodded. “I do. But I’m afraid information so valuable doesn’t come for free.”

“What do you want? If I can do it I will.”

Sebastian shot Clary a severe glance and she shrunk back slightly, reigning in some of her outward enthusiasm. This was why he’d wanted to do the talking. If people here knew how much finding her brother meant to her they would take advantage of it in a second.

“Oh, it’s a harmless enough request…” Celine set her drink down and met Clary’s gaze. “I want _you_. Just for the night. Sebastian can have you back tomorrow.”

Sebastian felt Clary tense next to him and she opened her mouth to sputter a reply, but he cut her off, snapping, “Absolutely not.”

“What’s the matter, Seb? Don’t share well? It’s just one night and I promise I’d treat her well.”

Before Sebastian could stop himself he was on his feet, glaring down at Celine. Whatever information she had was going to be harmless to him and he would have happily done just about anything to get it for his sister. But this wasn’t going to happen. Celine couldn’t have Clary. He’d slit her throat before she touched her. Clary was _his._

“ _No._ You won’t touch her,” he hissed.

“Sebastian,” Clary murmured, grabbing his arm. “I wasn’t going to say yes anyway. Sit down.”

Celine frowned at that, looking very disappointed but also a bit relieved once Sebastian took his seat once again. She had seen what he was capable of and he was fairly sure he’d frightened her with his response. “Well, I had to try. She’s so lovely.”

“How do we know that this ‘information’ you have isn’t just the same things we already know?” Sebastian questioned irritably. He just wanted to get this over with. If Celine tried making another move on Clary he couldn’t guarantee he’d be able to keep his temper in check.

“What do you already know?”

“Well…I have a theory,” Clary said, surprising Sebastian. He wasn’t aware of any theories she had about him and now his curiosity was piqued. “We know he was supposedly dead for years and that he’s now suddenly alive. And we know that he sent Valentine to Edom. I’ve been thinking about it and…I think maybe _he_ was in Edom. I think Valentine put Jonathan there and he got out and he was getting revenge.”

Celine and Sebastian were staring at her with wide eyes now. Sebastian ran a hand through his hair and muttered, “That’s…a hell of a theory. Why haven’t you shared that with me?”

“It’s sort of new,” she told him, giving him an apologetic look. “I was going to tell you once I decided if I thought it was a sound theory or not. Besides, it’s not like it helps us find him.”

“No, but…” But she understood him so much more than he imagined. She knew the truth of where he’d been, of what he had gone through and his motivations. She maybe even had an idea of the darkness that lived inside of him and yet she still searched for him. “Clary, if you’re right…Jonathan may be much worse off than you’d originally hoped.”

“I know, but that just means he needs me even more than I thought,” she said resolutely.

Sebastian dug his fingernails into his palm to keep from diving forward and kissing her desperately. God, she was everything he had ever hoped she would be and more. Her heart and mind were so open to him and he knew more surely than ever that they were meant to be. But he couldn’t deal with all of that just now.

“Celine, is there anything you can tell us beyond Clary’s rather brilliant theory or should we just leave?” Sebastian fixed the girl with an accusing glare and she withered at the look.

“I suppose you can leave,” she sighed, frowning. “I didn’t know much more than the bit about him sending Valentine to Edom. I just wanted a go at your girlfriend.”

“I figured as much. Clary, let’s go.”

Sebastian stood and Clary followed. He took her hand and ushered her out of the room, back out into the noise of the club. His head was spinning with the thoughts that had just overcome him and he was hyperaware of her hand in his as they made their way to the lower level. It wasn’t until they were near the dance floor, where the crowd was thickest and the music was the loudest, that he lost all composure.

He turned swiftly and grabbed her by the back of her hair with one hand, the other moving to her waist and pushing her backward. He pushed her up against the nearest wall and kissed her hard, unable to think of anything other than the way she felt under his hands and mouth. He wanted her—no, _needed_ her—and in that moment it was all-consuming.

To his delight—and surprise—she kissed him back and her arms went around his neck. She didn’t pull back when his tongue slid into her mouth or when his hands slid down her body, exploring the curves that were so obvious in her tight black dress. She even let out a little moan as he gripped her thighs and hoisted her up off the ground, her legs instinctually wrapping around his waist.

He was painfully aware of the heat between her legs now as well as her hands in hair, fingernails scratching as his scalp as he pressed against her. He wanted to take her right there—he knew they wouldn’t be the only ones up to that sort of thing—but he knew that if he tried she would stop him. She’d only had one drink, just enough to ease some of her inhibitions, and there was no way she would consent to having sex in the middle of a crowd. For a second he told himself he didn’t care if she consented or not, but then he reminded himself that this was Clary. If he wanted her to love him the way he loved her then she had to be a willing participant.

“Sebastian,” she gasped as they stopped to breathe. Her eyes were dark as she stared down at him. “Not here.”

The triumph he felt at her words was like a lion roaring in his chest and gripped her tighter, asking breathlessly, “Back to the hotel?”

She nodded and he immediately let her back onto her feet. He’d waited all this time—he could survive the walk back to their room. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love hearing about music that inspires others, I wanted to mention that this chapter was written while I played "Hold Me Down" and "Lies" by Halsey on repeat. I just really love her and her music inspires the hell out of me. :)

Jace and Alec had become immediately suspicious of Sebastian when they went to break into his apartment and it was warded shut. On the one hand it was smart protection, but on the other hand this was supposed to be a temporary apartment until Sebastian went back to the London Institute. So why would he need so much security?

The parabatai had enlisted the help of Magnus, as usual, and he had obliged them rather quickly. Apparently he was just as unsure of Sebastian as they were and was curious to see what might be behind the wards.

It was a considerably small apartment and they had already checked the majority of it when Jace headed towards the closet. He figured that was the most logical place to stuff things you didn’t want people to just walk in and find. He opened the door and at first it appeared to be a normal walk-in closet that was being used for basic storage. There was nothing glaringly suspicious about it. But then Jace moved further inside, lighting his witchlight, and his eyes landed on a single smear of blood down on one of the baseboards underneath some shelving.

“Alec, there’s blood in here,” he called to his brother, kneeling down to get a better look at the dried, crimson smear. He heard Alec at the doorway and added, “It’s not much, but it’s in a weird spot. Do you think Magnus could figure out who it belongs to?”

“Is there anything Magnus _can’t_ do? You Shadowhunters seem to think there isn’t,” the warlock interjected, moving past Alec and into the cramped closet. “Go wait in the living room and I’ll have your answer in a moment.”

Jace and Alec did as they were asked, moving to sit on Sebastian’s couch. Jace fidgeted restlessly, glancing around the apartment, and sighed, “I just know Clary is in danger. I can feel it.”

“I wish I could tell you you’re wrong, but…I’ve got the same feeling,” Alec admitted, frowning at Jace. “If we can just prove it to her then maybe she’ll come home before things can go south.”

Jace nodded, but stared down at his hands. With every passing moment the feeling of dread in his stomach grew and he couldn’t even express why. He had nothing solid to go on. It was just instinct and it was driving him crazy.

It wasn’t long before Magnus emerged from the closet, leaning against the door frame and smirking at the shadowhunters. “Well, that was _very_ interesting.”

“What was? Whose blood is it?” Alec asked, he and Jace standing up at the same time.

“Oh, that’s not the interesting part. Well, not the _most_ interesting. The blood was Sebastian Verlac’s. However, I did find something else while I was letting my magic work. You two might want to sit back down.”

 

Clary’s head was in a strange place as she walked back to the hotel with Sebastian. She couldn’t wrap her mind around all the things going on inside of her. Between the disappointment of their last potential lead falling through and the strange dynamic between the two of them in the club she was having trouble figuring out what to do from one second to the next, let alone the usual struggle of day to day.

She wanted Sebastian. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore about that. He’d done so much for her already and seeing the way he defended her honor to Celine had been the final piece snapping into place for her. The bigger picture had completed itself in that moment and when he’d kissed her downstairs she hadn’t bothered to push him away. It felt too good and she wanted it too much and she was tired of acting like she didn’t care about him as anything more than a friend.

He walked close at her side now and she looked over at him with a small smile as he said, “There’s still other people we could talk to while we’re here if you’d like. Someone else might have heard something useful.”

“Sebastian…it’s no use,” Clary sighed, holding onto his arm. “No one knows where he is. He doesn’t want to be found and we’re not going to find him.”

“You’re probably right, but we’ve come so far in search of him and I hate to see you disappointed.”

“I’m disappointed that we didn’t find him. I’m not disappointed that we came all the way to Paris to try. I like traveling with you.”

He smiled at that and took her hand as they rounded the corner of the street the hotel was on. “I like traveling with you, too. Very much. It’ll be a bit of a shame to go back to New York.”

“We don’t have to go back right away,” Clary suggested. “I can portal us anywhere. We could take one last trip somewhere, just for fun.”

They made their way into the hotel and Sebastian smiled at her. “I’d go anywhere with you. Just pick a place.”

Clary felt relief as they reached their room. She stood behind Sebastian as he unlocked the door and her heart started to race like it had when he’d kissed her at the club. Her mind wandered back to the way he’d hoisted her up against the wall and a shiver ran down her spine.

She felt no hesitation once they were safely inside the suite. As soon as the door clicked shut she grabbed his wrist, turning him to face her, and pushed up on her toes to close the space between them. She kissed him eagerly, letting him know with her lips that she hadn’t changed her mind on the walk back. She still wanted this.

He responded exactly as she expected, grabbing her hips and pulling her against him as he kissed her back with even more fervor than he’d shown at the club. There wasn’t going to be any slow build-up of passion or gentle touching. They both needed this—they’d put it off too long and now that the flood gates were open there was no closing them.

Lips and teeth clashed, fingers and nails raked over skin, and quick breaths and moans passed between them as they made their way to the bed. By the time Clary felt Sebastian’s legs hit the mattress he was out of his shirt and her dress was unzipped.

She wasn’t used to this. The only person she’d ever slept with was Simon and with him things had been loving and slow. It was nothing like this this torrent of passion and need that was overcoming her as she pushed Sebastian, now only in his boxers, back onto the bed. It was like that weird connection between them that she’d never been able to figure out was finally being acknowledged and their souls were reaching for each other, forcing them to come together in the only way either of them knew how.

She ditched her dress in one quick motion, tossing it aside. Then she went to take off her boots, but Sebastian grabbed her hands and murmured, “Leave those on.”

Clary smirked at that, something inside of her purring at the idea that he found her sexy in nothing but her bra and underwear and thigh high boots. She wasn’t used to feeling sexy. She was always small and cute, but the way he looked at her…it made her feel like the woman she’d never believed she was before finding the shadow world. Some distant part of her mind wondered if this was what it felt like to be Izzy, but she couldn’t focus on that just now.

She climbed onto his lap, pushing his back onto the bed now, and continued kissing him with a hunger that she couldn’t seem to satiate. She shivered as his hands ran over her bare skin, moving up her back to the clasp of her bra. He unhooked it with an impressive smoothness and she stopped kissing him just long enough for him to slip it down her arms and toss it to the floor.

She could feel how hard he was as he pushed up against her and the friction made her moan into his mouth, one of her hands sliding into his hair and gripping it. She ground herself down against him, desperate for more of that feeling, and he growled in response before biting at her bottom lip. A moment later he was rolling her over until he was on top of her, snatching her wrists as he did so and pinning them to the bed.

“You are so stunning,” he whispered, staring down at her for a long moment before dipping down to place slow, teasing kisses down the length of her neck to her chest. She whimpered when his tongue swiped over the dip of her collarbone and again when he reached her breasts, his tongue flicking over her hardened nipples.

He teased her with nothing but his mouth, all the while keeping her hands pinned above her head. She writhed underneath him, moaning and arching her back in a wordless plea for more.

“You want more?” he murmured against her sternum. His eyes looked up at her, mischievous and dark, and she nodded vigorously. He smirked and told her, “I want to hear you beg for it.”

Clary’s head was spinning. This dominant streak in Sebastian was doing something to her that she very much wanted to explore further. She’d never really considered herself to be submissive—she was generally pretty assertive and outspoken—but right now…she wanted him to take complete control of her.

“Don’t be shy, darling. Tell me what you want.” He whispered the words in a low, sultry voice before tracing his tongue down her stomach to her navel.

“ _Please_ ,” she pleaded, arching her lower back. “Please, Sebastian, lower…”

He released her wrists and grabbed her hips, kissing down to the top of her panties. “How bad do you want it?”

Clary was about to tell him just how bad when she suddenly heard her phone ringing loudly from her purse, the ringtone familiar to her as the one she had set for Isabelle. She had an internal struggle as she listened to it ring. The last thing she wanted to do was move from her very appealing position, but she also didn’t want Izzy panicking.

“I have to get that,” she sighed regretfully, sitting up and swinging a leg over Sebastian’s head so she could stand up. “She’ll worry if I don’t answer and the next thing I know they’ll be here in Paris.”

She hurried to her purse, which was on the floor by the door, and dug her phone out. She quickly pushed the green button and put the phone to her hear, trying to sound relaxed as she said, “Hey, Iz, what’s up?”

“Clary, where are you?” Isabelle asked, her voice tense. Clary immediately tensed in response, her desire to get back to Sebastian moving to the back of her mind momentarily.

“I’m back at the hotel. We didn’t find anything at the club, which I guess isn’t much of a shock. What’s going on?”

“Can you go somewhere private for a moment?”

Clary’s stomach twisted anxiously. “Uhm…yeah, I guess so. Hold on.”

She turned and shrugged at Sebastian before lipping, “One minute. Sorry.” Then she went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and saying, “I’m in the bathroom. Is something wrong?”

“You have to get out of there. Tell him there’s an emergency here at home. Say something happened to Max.” Isabelle’s tone was urgent and it set Clary’s heart hammering for a much different reason than it had been a minute ago. “I’ll tell you what’s happening in a moment, but I need you to just say ‘oh, no, is he okay?’. Don’t argue. Just do it.”

Clary bit her lip, feeling as though she might throw up from nerves, and then did as she was told. “Oh, no! Is he okay?”

“Good. Now…Jace, Alec, and Magnus went to Sebastian’s apartment and they found some things in the closet and I can’t take the time to explain, but we’re about ninety-nine percent sure that Sebastian is an impostor. We think he’s Jonathan and if he is, he’s most likely dangerous. Now say ‘do you need me to come home?’”

Clary’s legs gave out from under her and she fell back against the door, sliding down to the floor. No. No, no, no. Her brain was rejecting Isabelle’s words with full force, but she still said with perfect shakiness and concern, “Do you need me to come home? I should be there for you and Alec.”

“Tell him that Max snuck out on a mission and was poisoned by a demon and we’re not sure he’s going to make it. Tell him you need to get back to the Institute right away. Do _not_ let him know that we know who he might be.”

“Okay. Okay, I’ll get there as soon as I can. Sit tight, Izzy. Everything’s going to be okay.” It was like some other part of Clary had taken over and she was running on autopilot. Inside she was falling to pieces and she wanted to throw up, but her survival instincts were keeping her going.

“Good. I’ll see you soon. Stay safe, Clary.”

Clary hung up the phone, grasping it tightly between her hands and trying to steady herself. She couldn’t fall apart right now. Only enough to convince Sebastian that Max was hurt and she needed to leave.

She pushed herself up and forced herself to open the bathroom door, her hands shaking as she did so. As she walked out into the suite she found Sebastian sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked up as she rejoined him, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, meeting her gaze.

She forced herself to maintain eye contact, even though every piece of her wanted to look away. He couldn’t be Jonathan. There was no way. He just… _couldn’t be._

“It’s Max. He snuck out when Isabelle and Alec went on a mission and tried to help and he got poisoned. They don’t know if he’s going to make it—the Silent Brothers are trying to save him.”

“Oh, that’s awful!” Sebastian’s face was overcome with concern and he got to his feet. “We should go back. Izzy’s going to need support.”

Clary nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry, I know the timing is the absolute worst, but she needs us.”

He walked over to her, picking up her dress from the floor on his way. He handed it to her and placed his hands on her arms. She tried not to tense under his touch, but it was impossible. The idea that he might be her brother and that he’d been lying to her this entire time made her want to run as far away from him as she could get.

“It’s okay,” he assured her, one hand moving to her chin and tilting her head up. “Do you know why?”

“Why?”

Sebastian’s grasp suddenly changed, his hand going around her neck, and he pushed her back against the wall. She gasped, but she didn’t fight him as he said, “Because I know you’re lying to me. It’s amazing what runes can do, Clarissa. I heard every word Isabelle said.”

No. The use of her full name was all the confirmation she needed—the chokehold was only excess evidence. No, no, no…

“Jonathan?” she whimpered, tears welling in her eyes.

“You wanted to find me so badly…well, here I am.”

“Was it always you?” 

“Of course it was,” he murmured, his other hand moving to stroke her hair and push it from her face. “Didn’t you _feel_ it? You said yourself you felt like you knew me. Our blood calls to each other, Clary.”

A sob tore it’s way from Clary’s throat and she closed her eyes. “You lied to me. This whole time you made think you were someone else. I didn’t know, I didn’t…”

She was crying shamelessly now, wanting to push him away but afraid of what he might do if she tried.

“But it’s better now. You know who I am. We can be together without any secrets.” He stroked her cheek now and it was almost more than she could handle. She was completely coming apart from the inside out and she just wanted to run and run and run.

“Sebastian…please just…give me a second to process this, okay?” she whimpered. “Please. I won’t leave, just…”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, I promise. I just wanted to get dressed and talk to you about this. Please.”

He stared at her uncertainly for a moment and then backed up, letting her go. She quickly scrambled into her dress, not even worrying about her bra, and then stared down at the ground as she asked, “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“When the time was right,” he answered, sitting on the bed. “I had a plan, but your friends ruined it.”

Clary scoffed, unable to help herself, and looked up at him. “Did you really think that this was going to work? Sebastian… _Jonathan_ …you _lied to me._ And as if that weren’t enough, you’re _my brother_. This was doomed from the start!”

“No. Don’t say that.” He shook his head, his eyebrows cinching together. “None of that matters.”

“But it does,” she pressed, her voice stern although he was doing her best not to yell. “If I’d known…I never would have….”

She shook her head now and leaned back against the wall before she could lose her footing again.

“Stop. That’s not true. You said you wanted to help me. You still can.” He got to his feet and moved towards her and Clary threw her hands up.

“Maybe I can, but not like this,” she insisted. “I can’t be what you need me to be.”

“ _Stop saying that!_ ” Sebastian screamed, making Clary flinch. His eyes had suddenly gone completely black from corner to corner and his face was twisted with rage. “You love me! I know you do!”

Clary was half terrified and half heartbroken as she watched the demonic blood in her brother show itself. Something in her shattered at the sight of his black eyes, even as they quickly faded back to blue. Maybe she couldn’t save him. Maybe this was all pointless.

“I don’t know you,” she told him quietly.

“Yes, yes you do.” He moved at her again and this time she swung her arm back on instinct and landed a solid punch to his gut. He groaned and doubled over and when he did she lunged up with her knee, connecting with his chin and sending him tumbling back. She knew who she was dealing with though and she knew it wouldn’t be enough, so she snatched the lamp off the nightstand and went to swing it at his head. However, he moved with lightening quick speed and caught the lamp as she swung it, wrenching it from her hands and throwing it across the room.

“Clarissa, you will not leave me,” he commanded, his eyes black once again. They stayed that way this time and she trembled at the sight of it.

 Tears still rolled down her cheeks as she looked at him and as a plan formed in her head she sobbed, “I’m so sorry.”

With that she dropped to the floor, her hand going for her boot as she rolled to the side and under the bed. She yanked her stele out and before Sebastian could figure out what she was doing she scrawled a portal rune on the hotel room floor. It began to open beneath her as he dropped down as well, one hand gripping her ankle and tugging at her. She gave one hard, solid kick backwards, feeling her foot connect with him, and then her ankle was free and she was falling into the portal. She quickly pictured her bedroom at the Institute and let the blackness fold around her, still crying relentlessly as she was transported home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I know some people might worry after this chapter, please just keep in mind: Clary is Clary and I have to be as true to her as I can despite the content of the fic. Also, slow burn.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a question asked about Seb's appearance and it got me thinking about way more than just the difference in looks that book Seb and show Seb have. And so in this chapter his real appearance is going to be revealed and I'm going to say that this fic and his character are sort of a mash-up of universes. It originally started being based on the show with me imagining Will Tudor as Seb and following the shows ideas, but there's been elements of the books already added in (like Taki's for example) and I've pretty much settled on the fact that it's going to be a bit of both. I don't really care for burnt BBQ chicken Sebastian and I think it'd weird Clary out if he kept Verlac's (a dead guy's) face, so I'm going with white-haired, black eyed book Sebastian. But I want to keep some of the personality and motivations that show Seb has. So yeah. Like I said. It's a toss-up, because I love them both so much. :)

Clary landed on her bedroom floor and it was a long time before she moved. She knew Isabelle and the others were waiting for her and probably worrying, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up. Everything in her felt shattered and all she could see was the look on Sebastian’s face when he’d screamed at her.

She’d been so unsure of letting him in. She’d pushed him away over and over. But then he’d done everything for her and supported her and made her feel strong. He’d convinced her that he was this beautiful person with a warm heart who cared for her. And all that time…

She curled up, wrapping her arms around her knees, and listened to the sound of her own unsteady breath. She wasn’t crying tears anymore, but she still hiccupped with relentless sobs. She tried to take deeper breaths and calm herself down, staring at the intricate design of the handles on her dresser.

The worst part of it all was that her brother was so much farther gone than she’d anticipated. It had been such a deep wish of Clary’s to be able to help him and have one piece of her family intact. But there was something twisted and dark and delusional inside of him that she wasn’t sure she could fix. The things he wanted from her…how could she give them to him? All the attraction and affection she’d felt had been for Sebastian Verlac, a person who was probably dead now and had been for a while. Not for her _brother_.

Maybe it was best if she dragged herself off the floor and tried not to think about it. Maybe she should help the others find Jonathan and just put everything that had happened out of her head. It was all lies anyway. There was no use dwelling on it.

But even as she slowly moved into a standing position and prepared to find her friends her mind roamed to places she didn’t want it to go. The sight of Sebastian smirking at her, the feeling of his fingers intertwined with hers, his gentle words of encouragement and praise…all of the things that she had believed so fully. They followed her around like ghosts and she felt haunted and empty as she walked out of her bedroom.

By the time she reached the main hall of the Institute she was numb. She had shut herself down. It was the only way she was going to get through this and hold a conversation without crying again.

The moment she walked into the room Jace came sprinting at her, exhaling her name with relief as he snatched her up in his arms and hugged her tightly. She slipped her arms around him in return, breathing in his familiar scent, and tried to find comfort in the person she had wanted with all of her heart since she’d first laid eyes on him. Resting her head against his chest was comforting and so was the sound of his voice as he murmured, “I’m glad you’re okay. We were worried when you took so long to get back.”

“I had to fight to get out,” she told him, pulling back to meet his gaze. “He heard Izzy when she called. He’s definitely Jonathan, there’s no doubt about that.”

“We figured as much,” Jace sighed. “You okay?”

“Yeah…or I will be, anyway. What did you guys find that tipped you off?”

He let her go and led her over to where Isabelle, Magnus, and Alec were standing around a small, round table. Set on the center of it were three items: a baby shoe, a lock of blonde hair, and a map. Clary’s stomach twisted at the sight of them and she bit her lip, fighting back the wave of emotion threatening to overcome her.

“He kept them?” she muttered, reaching out to pick up the lock of hair. She toyed with it absently and looked at Jace.

“They were in the closet at his apartment along with Sebastian Verlac’s blood. We traced the hair and it wasn’t a strong trace, but we knew whoever was the owner of the it was alive and in France. Needless to say, we were pretty convinced.”

Clary nodded and looked back down at the blonde strands, her heart aching despite her best efforts. Her mind roamed to when she had first gone to the apartment. She had asked Sebastian to tell her about himself and he’d talked about his mother. _I like to think that she loved me, but I can’t really be sure._ So, maybe it hadn’t _all_ been a lie then. Not that it changed anything.

“Well, he admitted it…and he didn’t want me to leave, but I fought to get away. There’s something… _dangerously_ dark about him. His eyes when he yelled at me…they went totally black.” She set the hair down and took a step back, shaking her head.

“That’s probably the demon blood showing through,” Alec said, frowning sympathetically at Clary. “Clary, I know you wanted to save him, but…”

“I know,” she said quietly. “I…I don’t think it’s just that though. I think that he was in Edom. Valentine probably sent him there when he realized what he’d done to him and when Jonathan got out he decided to get his revenge.”

“That would mean he spent, what? Ten years in a demon realm?” Jace ran a hand through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. “That’s enough to make anyone completely insane. I don’t even know how he would have gotten out. It couldn’t have been easy.”

Clary couldn’t handle this. She didn’t want to talk about how broken and unredeemable her brother was anymore. She just wanted to sleep, although she wasn’t sure that would be possible.

“I need a break,” she told them, looking over at Magnus. “Magnus, do you think there’s something you might be able to do to help me sleep? I don’t think I’ll be able to do it on my own.”

“Of course, Clary. Come with me.” He gave a gentle smile and headed towards the residential wing of the Institute. She followed him, but before she could get too far away Jace grabbed her hand. She turned to face him and he was watching her with concern.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” he asked softly.

“Like I said, I will be. I’ll see you later, I need to get some rest.” She pulled her hand away and went after Magnus. She needed to be alone and sleep and get away from her swimming thoughts. And as much as she cared for Jace, she knew what there was between them and she couldn’t deal with it. Sebastian and everything that had happened with him was overshadowing everything else. Jace, Simon, Valentine, her mother, the Clave; it all took a back seat to what she was facing now. None of them would understand and she didn’t want them to try. She didn’t want to tell them what had happened. All she wanted to do was rest.

 

_Clary was sitting on the top of a tall building, her legs dangling over the edge as she looked out at the city, which was illuminated despite the late hour. She was aware of Sebastian sitting at her side. She could feel his presence like a second pulse. Her eyes roamed over to him and he looked different than she remembered, but it didn’t really surprise her. Of course he looked different. He wasn’t Sebastian Verlac. He was Jonathan Morgenstern._

_“I think I’d like to keep ‘Sebastian’,” he told her conversationally. “Not Verlac, of course, but…I want my own name. I don’t want to be Jonathan anymore.”_

_“I’m used to ‘Sebastian’ anyway. And it’s not so strange now that you look like this.” She studied him as she spoke and found that she could see a lot of Valentine in him. They shared the same sharp, handsome features. But Sebastian’s hair was such a light white-blonde that it added color to his pale skin and the irises of his eyes were so black that they blended into his pupils. He was absolutely stunning—even more so than he had been as Sebastian Verlac._

_“The black eyes aren’t too unsettling, are they?” he asked her, smirking to show that he didn’t really care if they were or not._

_“No…I like them.” She smiled and reached up to brush her fingers down the side of his face. “You’re beautiful.”_

_“As are you,” he whispered, leaning into her as she cupped his face and kissing her deeply._

Clary jolted awake, a gasp leaving her throat as she did so, and she glanced around her dark room in confusion. She had no idea what time it was or how long she’d been sleeping. And at the moment she didn’t really care. Her head was too full of the dream that had woken her.

Had that just been her mind running wild or was that what her brother really looked like without the glamour? It wouldn’t be the first time she’d had some kind of “vision”. But what the hell kind of vision could that be? That wasn’t her future. There was no way.

Yet the feeling in her chest as she woke from the dream wasn’t disgust or anger. It was an ache and an emptiness, like she was missing some vital part of herself.

“It’s nothing,” she muttered to herself, reaching over to turn on her lamp. Maybe some light and a dose of reality would shake the sensation. “You’re missing a phantom.”

Her mind was just trying to process the loss of the person she’d thought Sebastian was. She’d felt something very real for him and although he turned out to be a lie, her mind and heart still needed to grieve.

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and checked the date ans time, her eyes widening when she saw that it was midnight the night after she’d gotten back. She had slept for nearly twenty-four hours.

“Wow, Magnus, I didn’t want you to make me comatose,” she sighed, getting out of bed and moving to her dresser to find clothes. She didn’t know what she was going to do at midnight, but she didn’t want to just sit around. Maybe she should go see Simon and see if she could work on their friendship. At least she knew he’d be awake.

But just as she was about to settle on the idea a thought occurred to her. The Institute was the only place that was safe for her now. Sebastian would surely be looking for her and the Institute had a round the clock guard waiting for him to try showing his face again. Her only option was to stay put or risk being found by him.

Sighing, she grabbed her phone and pulled up Simon’s messages. They hadn’t spoken in quite a while, but it was worth a try. “Hey. We found Jonathan but he’s gone again. A lot has happened and I could use my best friend if you think you can try being that again.”

She sent the text and headed out of her room, deciding to go see who might be awake. It wasn’t unusual for shadowhunters to stay up late and she was relieved when she found Isabelle alone in the training room. She was beating the hell out of a punching bag, but she stopped when she saw Clary walk in.

“Hey,” she greeted. “Just pretending this punching bag is Sebastian. Or…Jonathan…whatever. Lying bastard. You doing okay?”

Clary might have been bothered by Izzy’s words if anyone else had said them, but she knew that Izzy was the only other person aside from her who had formed a bond with the Sebastian Verlac impostor. She’d trusted him and counted him as a friend and a great shadowhunter. Clary wasn’t the only one who had been blindsided.

“Not really,” Clary admitted, walking over to Isabelle. “He and I…we got close while we were gone and I…I feel like I lost someone special to me and lost my brother all at once.”

“I’m sorry, Clary. I know you wanted to help him. But you know you have a family here, don’t you?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I know. And I guess I’m not the only orphaned shadowhunter.”

“We Lightwoods seem to have a weakness for those,” Isabelle chuckled. “Can’t turn you guys away. You should talk to Jace sometime; he’ll know better than any of us what you’re going through.”

“Right…maybe I’ll do that.”

“Look, I know things have been complicated with you two, but…honestly, what is there to complicate it anymore? Simon? It’s not like he didn’t always know how you feel about Jace. He’ll adjust.” Isabelle started working at the punching bag again. “I’m sure he’s awake. Go talk to him. I bet you’ll feel better.”

Clary nodded again, unable to argue with Izzy without revealing the truth of what had taken place with Sebastian. Because _that_ was what there was to complicate things. She loved Simon, yes, but romantically he’d never held a candle to Jace. But Sebastian…Clary had just decided that he might be the answer to finally getting past Jace and had chosen to try letting him in when the truth had taken her by storm. And now she had this secret that she didn’t feel she could tell anyone, especially not Jace.

Without another word she left the training room and checked her phone to see that Simon had texted her back. “I’ve been worried sick about you. Isabelle told me you took off with Sebastian. Can we meet up?”

She shouldn’t go. It wasn’t smart. And the guards would alert Alec immediately after she left. But right now she just wanted to see the one person who knew her better than anyone else. She wanted her best friend and the only true family she had left.

“I’m kind of on lockdown. I don’t think they’ll let me leave alone. Meet me outside the Institute?”

“Sure thing, Fray. Be there soon.”

Clary smiled and made her way towards the front of the Institute. Everything might be a mess, but if she could at least fix things with Simon she might feel almost human.

 

Sebastian stood on top of the apartment building he’d previously been staying in, watching as Clave members came and went. They wouldn’t recognize him now that his glamour had been dropped, but he still avoided being spotted. He liked that they didn’t know what he really looked like and he wanted to keep it that way. It allowed him to maintain residence in New York so long as he kept his eyes glamoured green while he was on the streets. His black eyes could be a bit of a giveaway.

He knew that Clary was holed up in the Institute for the time being, otherwise he’d be looking for her. But if he knew his sister as well as he thought he did then he knew she’d be striking out on her own sooner than later. She wouldn’t be able to stay on lockdown for long.

He had one of her hair ties around his wrist, strands of her hair still attached to it. He toyed with it as he thought of her, the ache in his chest making his jaw tighten. He hadn’t wanted her to find out the truth the way she had. He’d wanted to avoid making her angry with him. It was only going to make everything harder in the long run, but he wasn’t giving up on her. She would come around eventually, of that he was sure. They were meant to be together and she couldn’t ignore that pull any more than he could. Clary would be his and nothing was going to stand in the way of that.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll right now. Let's hope it keeps up!
> 
> Oooh, and if you guys have Spotify, I made a little playlist of songs that either a.) remind me of the story of this fic or b.) have been my motivational mood music to write it. Or both. Lol.  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/1255110405/playlist/3Bq66LadB1VXAi9VjOIaF9

Clary sat across from Simon at Taki’s Diner, sipping at her coffee in between bits of conversation. She was trying to decide if she wanted to confide in Simon about at least some of what had happened. Even if she just told him that Sebastian had shown a romantic interest in her. She didn’t have to include the fact that she had reciprocated it. He wouldn’t want to hear about that.

“Can I tell you something that I don’t think I can tell anyone else?” she sighed, making up her mind. She needed to get it off her chest.

“You can tell me anything. What’s up?” He gave her his full attention, his hands wrapped around the coffee mug in front of him and his eyes concerned.

“It’s…it’s kind of hard to talk about, but…I need to tell someone,” she muttered. “Jonathan has…romantic feelings for me…”

She stared down at her coffee, her pulse thundering. The unfinished part of her confession was loud and clear in her head and she couldn’t shake it.

“Oh…oh my gosh…,” Simon stammered, picking up his coffee and taking a long drink before setting it back down. “That’s, uhm…quite the plot twist.”

“Yeah. The entire time that he was ‘Sebastian’ he was flirting with me and then when he admitted who he really was he told me that he knew I loved him…it’s like he’s got this idea in his head that we’re supposed to be together or something.”

“I understand your hopelessness now. Kind of hard to save him when he’s trying to…well…” Simon trailed off, licking at his lips a bit anxiously.

“I keep thinking that maybe he just doesn’t understand normal relationships, because he’d been in Edom and the only family he’s ever known is Valentine…I keep thinking that maybe I can teach him the right way to love me as his sister, but…I don’t know, the look on his face when I told him I couldn’t be what he needed me to be was terrifying.”

Clary slumped in her seat and tapped her fingers on the top of the table as she went on, “I just needed to tell someone. I needed someone to understand why I have to give up on him and also why I feel like I can’t.”

“But you can, Clary,” Simon insisted, reaching across the table and placing his hand over her restless fingers. “It’s not your fault what Valentine did to him. And it’s not your fault if he’s too far gone to be helped.”

“But it’s not his fault either,” she countered. “Look, I know it’s too dangerous to try. He’d probably kill me before I could talk him down, but I can’t help this part of me that feels horrible for giving up.”

She shook her head and gave Simon a half-hearted smile. She was grateful to have him there and to know that at the very least she could salvage her friendship with him. He started responding to her, she saw his mouth starting to move, but at that moment she was suddenly distracted by a strange shiver down her spine. It was like a cold chill—like a ghost walking through her—and she sat up a little straighter and glanced around the diner.

Her eyes landed on someone who had just walked in and was moving towards the bar. He was in a long pea coat that looked pitch black in contrast with his white-blond hair. She could only see his profile and one green eye, but an image from her dream came rushing to the front of her mind. She knew without a doubt that she had seen him before, only he’d had black eyes then.

“Clary? Hey, are you okay? Who is that guy?” Simon squeezed her hand to get her attention and she turned back to him with a look of terror on her face.

“We have to go,” she insisted, pulling out her phone. She hurriedly typed a group message to Isabelle, Alec, and Jace telling them what was happening and where she was, then stood up. “Let’s go.”

“O-okay…Clary, is that…?”

She nodded vigorously and grabbed Simon’s arm. She threw her hood up over her hair and pulled him towards the door. It was probably pointless. If he was there it was most likely because she knew he was, too. But she could only hope that he was trying not to be spotted by her. After all, he had no idea that she knew what he really looked like.

Her phone vibrated multiple times as they got outside, all three of the Lightwoods responding with, “On the way.”

“Should we head back to the Institute?” Simon asked, looking behind them to see if they’d been followed.

“Not yet. I want to stay where there’s people. Jace and the others are on their way here.”

She leaned back against the building, hovering close to the door. Simon came to stand at her side, putting an arm around her. “He won’t touch you, Clary. Not while I’m here.”

She didn’t say anything. Her mind was too busy to focus on Simon. There was a part of her that was aching to go back into the diner and confront him. If ever there was a time and place to do it, in the middle of a diner with back up on the way was it. Besides, she could keep him busy until the others showed up to arrest him.

“Come stand inside the door. I’m going to talk to him.” She moved out from under his arm and ignored his sputtering protest. He’d do as she said and she knew it, so she wasn’t going to argue with him on it.

As expected he followed her inside and took his position by the door, watching her anxiously as she made her way to the back of the diner where her brother was sitting at a booth. He looked up as she neared him, his green eyes curious and a small smile forming on his lips. Without a word she sat across from him, staring him in the face, and crossed her arms.

“How did you know it was me?” he asked, amusement lacing his voice. “I knew you were sharp, but this is quite exceptional detective work.”

“What are you doing here, Jonathan?” She wasn’t going to play games with him. Not this time.

“You know, I think I’ve been thinking that I’d like to keep ‘Sebastian’. There’s really no room for two Jonathans and I’d like to have my own name.”

Clary’s stomach dropped. So her dream _had_ been some semblance of a vision. “Fine…Sebastian. Why are you here? After what you did to me…the lies you told me…I don’t know that I ever want to see you again.”

“Clary, I’m the only family you have left. Are you really just going to push me away so easily?” He leaned in across the table, his eyes boring into her. “The only lies I told you were my name and my addiction. Every other moment, every word, every _kiss_ …that was real.”

She forced herself to keep looking at him even though his words made her anxious to look away. “But when you were Sebastian Verlac you weren’t my brother. And you hadn’t choked me to a wall and tried forcing me to stay with you against my will.”

“I am sorry for that,” he said, his voice softening. “I panicked. I wanted to tell you the truth on my own terms and I…I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You wouldn’t have lost me if you could have just understood that you being my brother means that the only thing I can ever be to you is your sister. Families don’t love like that, Sebastian, and I know that’s not something you might understand after everything you’ve been through, but—”

“I’m not an ignorant child, Clarissa. Of course I understand that. But you and I….we’re different. We’re all we have. And our father, he made us special and he made us strong and we’re only stronger when we’re together. Can’t _you_ understand _that_?”

Clary was baffled. He was so adamant. Every word was spoken with the conviction of a man giving his life over to God. He truly believed this—it might be the only thing he really believed at all.

“Remember the way it felt when I touched you…every time we kissed. I know you felt it. That _connection_. You couldn’t resist me any more than I’ve ever been able to resist you.” He looked almost desperate now, like he was pleading with eyes for her to agree with him.

And despite everything that told her to deny everything he was saying, she couldn’t force back the memory of those exact feelings. She’d always felt drawn to Sebastian and that night in the hotel it had been almost like something inside of her was clicking into place. It had felt right. But it wasn’t right It couldn’t be.

“We can’t. _I_ can’t. And if you can’t respect that, then I can’t be in your life,” she told him firmly. “I won’t lie and tell you I didn’t feel anything, but I would lose everything if I let this happen. I can’t.”

He reached for, grabbing her hands and unwinding her arms. She froze at his touch, mindlessly letting him pull her hands onto the table. He held them, still gazing at her intently, and said, “We live in a world of demons and angels and fairytales. There are other dimensions and magic and demon realms. Why is this so impossible?”

Clary just stared at him, her heart racing wildly. She hated that his touch didn’t repulse her. Despite her fear of him his hands on hers still soothed something inside of her and she couldn’t understand why.

“Because we live in this dimension. In this realm. And no matter what I may have felt for you, this _is_ impossible. I’m sorry. Now please…just go. There are Shadowhunters on their way to arrest you and I’m giving you a chance to escape. Please go and leave me alone.”

He frowned, letting her hands go and getting to his feet. “I’ll go, but remember this. We are two halves of a whole. The only Morgensterns left. Our blood and souls call to each other. We will find each other again, there’s nothing either of us can do about that.”

With that he turned and made his way to the back exit that was supposed to only be for employees. Clary watched as he disappeared through the door and the moment he was out of sight she felt the tears start rolling hot and fast down her cheeks.

 

Jace and the others questioned Clary the entire way back to the Institute. They wanted to know what he looked like, what he had said, where she thought he might be. She gave them everything she could, but it wasn’t much. She couldn’t predict Sebastian. However, she did give them the tip of using electrum to test anyone who came into the Institute, because she remembered from Valentine’s journals that Sebastian couldn’t withstand it. It burned him and caused him immense pain.

Alec had warned her that they were going to have to get the Clave involved and that they would want to talk to her. The idea made her stick to her stomach. They couldn’t force anything out of her with the Soul Sword; no one knew where it was for sure. But the Silent Brothers could dig around in her head and see everything she was hiding—everything she knew she could never speak to her friends.

The worst of it was that she didn’t feel as afraid as she should. There was a part of her that was aware of what her brother was capable of that feared him, but there was a stronger part that ached to go after him. If she could get through to him somehow and make him see things from her perspective then maybe she wouldn’t have to lose him after all. There was love in him, no matter how twisted it was and how strangely he expressed it.

But she was really on lockdown now. Until Sebastian was found she wasn’t allowed to put one foot out of the Institute. No guards were going to let her past now.

 

If there was one thing Sebastian knew it was that this was going to take a special kind of effort. He couldn’t just walk into the Institute now, not with everyone on high alert. Clary knew about his weakness to electrum and he was sure she would use it.

But he had a plan. Not just a plan to get her out of the Institute, but to make her trust him again. He’d get her back and then the possibilities would be limitless. 

"Soon, my dear sister," he murmured as he eyed the Institute from his spot down the road. "Soon we'll be back together and I won't lose you again. Not this time." 


	11. Chapter 11

_“I’ve missed you.” Sebastian moved slowly into Clary’s room, his dark eyes fixed on her. “This connection we have…it tugs at me relentlessly when you’re gone. It’s a bit exhausting, actually.”_

_Clary stood by her bed, arms at her sides as he approached her. Each step he took was deliberate and calculated, making her wait just that much longer for the space between them to be closed despite his words about missing her. “It’s gotten stronger. I wonder if your glamour weakened it.”_

_“Perhaps. But none of that matters now.” He finally reached her, gently taking her face in his hands and exploring her features with his fingertips. “We don’t have to be apart anymore. Not ever again.”_

_Clary’s entire body trembled under his touch, each nerve awakened at his closeness, and without another word she pressed their lips together. It was like something inside her simultaneously roared to life and purred with a quiet contentment with him in front of her. She felt complete._

_“Stay with me,” she murmured against his mouth, gripping the front of his jacket, but as she said it she could feel that empty space in her beginning to return as he faded right before her eyes._

_“Come find me,” he whispered back before her hands slipped through him and he disappeared altogether._

When Clary woke this time she wasn’t horrified or scared like she had been the first couple of times she’d dreamt of Sebastian that week. It had been six days since she’d talked to him at Taki’s and he’d starred in her dreams four of those nights now.

No. Now she simply started to cry in frustration. She sat up in her bed, buried her face in her hands, and let the tears fall as the lingering desperation she’d felt in her sleep gripped at her heart. She hated to admit it to herself, but the dream was right. The connection was getting stronger. Something ached fiercely inside of her to find her brother and try to help him.

She told herself it was just that she felt more alone than ever now that her only hope for family had turned out to be a dead end. Finding out her brother was alive had been a source of immense hope for her at one point and now it had turned into this awful, haunting thing that she couldn’t shake. She wanted that hope back more than anything.

“Well, maybe not more than I want sleep,” she sighed to herself, leaning back against her headboard and switching on the lamp on her nightstand. She glanced over at her dresser where the wooden JC box sat, it’s original contents returned to it. It would be wise to dispose of the whole thing and erase the reminder of him, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Instead Clary got out of bed and walked over to it, slowly opening it and looking down at the lock of blond hair. She couldn’t get it out of her head that he had kept these things. He would have known that they could give him away and that they could aid in tracking him, but instead of destroying them he had held onto them. What did that say about him? Did it mean there was humanity in him?

Her mind kept roaming back to little moments while they’d been traveling, moments where he seemed so honest and vulnerable. Now, as she toyed with the lock of hair, she recalled visiting the burnt down remains of their family home with him. That moment carried so many new meanings now that she knew the truth of who he was and she wondered about those often, but now she was stuck on the way he’d held her and wiped her tears as he promised he would never leave her.

Sebastian cared for her. She wanted to believe he didn’t, but he did. And maybe he didn’t know how to show it or deal with it like a normal person would, but it didn’t make it any less true. He’d placed his last hopes in her the same way she had in him; his hopes had just differed from hers. In the end though they were so similar. They simply wanted to be around the only person who could understand their pain.

“You’re never going to sleep again if you don’t find some closure on this,” she told herself, setting the hair back in the box and closing the lid. She closed her eyes and took slow breaths before whispering, “I need answers. To the angel that gave me my power—the one that gives me my visions—I’m asking for answers. Real answers. This pull I feel towards Sebastian, what is it? What should I do about it? Please. Help me. I can’t figure this out on my own.”

She stood in silence for a long moment, her eyes tightly closed, and just as she was about to laugh at herself and give up, something happened. She felt a sudden jolt of electricity shoot through her body and it made her legs give out, dropping her to her knees. She couldn’t open her eyes now, they felt glued shut, and instead of darkness behind her lids there was a sudden and growing light.

The light grew steadily brighter and she longed to look away, but it was impossible when it was in her head. She couldn’t escape it.

 _Clarissa Morgenstern._  A gentle, ethereal voice spoke the name in her head as the light eased to a bearable level. She still couldn’t open her eyes. _I do not hold all the answers you seek. Those are for you to discover on your own. But there is one thing I can tell you, should you wish to hear it._

“If it’s about my brother I want to hear it,” she said firmly, kneeling on her floor and anchoring herself with her hands on her dresser.

_The power of the Morgenstern children has been prophesized among angels and demons, but the future is never certain. However, we do know this: should you choose to seek him out, your life and the lives of others will be changed irrevocably. And should you choose to let the Clave seek him out, it will be his end. The choice lies with you._

“Changed irrevocably? For good or for worse? Can’t you at least tell me that?”

_I cannot. That would be making your choice for you, which I cannot do. Fair well, Clarissa Morgenstern. And remember this; no matter what future you decide, the power of the angels still lies within you._

“Wait!” Clary shouted it, but the light was already fading and the strange, electric tingling that had jolted through her body was receding. He was leaving her and he would say nothing more to her on the matter of her brother.

When her eyes finally flew open she flopped down into a sitting position and her hands dropped into her lap. She stared blankly ahead and tried to make sense of everything she’d just been told.

The second part was pretty self-explanatory; if she left the Clave to find Sebastian then he would die. But the first part was what stumped her. Her life and the lives of others being “changed irrevocably” in a way that she couldn’t possibly predict if she went after him…she had so many people that she loved and wanted to protect and what if she put them in danger by looking for her brother?

She could either stay put and virtually send her own brother to his death…or she could go find him and face this binding shift in the world around her.

 _No matter what future you decide, the power of the angels still lies within you._ That part sounded pretty straight forward; no matter her choice she would keep the powers she had now. But what if it had been more than that? What if it was some kind of blessing? What if he’d been telling her that no matter what she chose, she had the support of the angels?

Well…if that were the case, then how bad could the first choice be? If she was going to send Shadowhunters to their death or unleash a world of demons there’s no way she would have the blessing of angels.

She groaned and pushed herself up from the floor. Stupid angel. Why did he have to be so cryptic? He’d only created more questions, not given her answers.

 _The choice lies with you_. Right. So she just had to make a choice. She had to find a way to simplify this so that she _could_ make a choice. She was so uncertain of these irrevocable changes, but there was one thing she knew for sure and that left a fairly simple question; could she knowingly leave her brother to die?

Could she sit back and hide in the Institute knowing that she was signing Sebastian’s death certificate by doing so? Could she give up on her brother all together without ever really trying to help him?

Her mind rushed back to when he’d talked about their mother. She remembered the pain in his eyes, even as he tried to brush it off and tell her that he’d had enough time to deal with it. She remembered him telling her that he couldn’t be sure if his own mother had ever loved him.

Clary moved swiftly into action, gathering her gear and what weapons she had in her room. They had the whole place protected so no one could get in, but they weren’t expecting her to try leaving again. If they had been they would have taken her stele from her so she couldn’t make a portal. Their mistake.

 

Sebastian was reading on one of the beds of his new residence when the hair tie around his wrist suddenly started to glow faintly. The book was immediately dropped to the bed and his hand closed over the tie, his eyes closing.

Central Park. The image of it filled his head and that endlessly tugging cord that was tied to him gave an enthusiastic jerk. He obeyed it this time without hesitation, swinging his legs off the bed and snatching his jacket from the back of a chair.

He wasted no time going to the location the tracking rune had supplied, walking along one of the well-lit paths with his hands in the pockets of his pea coat. His eyes were black. He wasn’t going to hide anything from her this time.

Her back was turned to him when he found her and she moved anxiously, like she wasn’t sure where she should be or what she should be doing. He raised an eyebrow at that. What exactly was she doing standing around alone in the middle of Central Park at night? Perhaps…

“Looking for me?” he asked Clary, coming to a stop about five feet from her.

She whipped around, a mixture of relief and fear warring with each other on her face. “Yes. I was.”

“Was it the dreams?” he wondered, taking a step closer to her. “I’ve been trying to reach you through them; I wasn’t sure how well it was working.”

Surprise was her only expression now. “You sent me those dreams?”

“It worked then? I’ve been working at it all week. So tell me, is that why you’re here?”

“No. I mean…it’s not the main reason, but it’s part of it,” she admitted a bit sheepishly. “I knew I needed closure. Answers. I couldn’t just leave you for the Clave to find. Not without seeing you again.”

“Not the main reason? What exactly is the main reason then?”

“I asked for answers and…I sort of received them. I was given a choice by the angel who gave me my power. And in the end the deciding factor was that if I didn’t come find you, you’d die. And I…I couldn’t just let that happen.” She was fidgeting with the ends of the sleeves of her jacket and she looked completely lost as she looked at him, tears welling in her eyes. It made him want to take her hands and steady them.

“So what happens now?” He tried to sound indifferent, but he couldn’t stop the emotion that leaked into his voice. Clary was there on the belief that she was saving his life. She wanted him to live and that meant she cared for him.

“I don’t know,” she muttered, shaking her head. “He wouldn’t tell me that part. But I’m here. And I’m not walking away, not yet.”

Sebastian smiled at that. “Well…what if I told you that we could have a dimension to ourselves while we figure that part out?”

She shot him a baffled look and he closed the distance between them, reaching a hand out to her and saying, “Come with me.”

Clary looked down at his hand uncertainly and he sighed a bit impatiently. “Clarissa. You came here to find me. Stop acting as if this is all some devious plan of mine.”

“Those dreams were a devious plan,” she retorted, although she finally took his hand.

“There was nothing devious about it. I simply wanted to see you and I couldn’t do that with you locked up in the Institute. Now come with me; I have something to show you.”

"Wait," she insisted, tugging him back when he tried to walk away. "Sebastian, if we're going to do this, I need to make something clear--"

"Let me guess...you can only love me as a brother, correct?" The words tasted bitter in Sebastian's mouth, but he knew that it was what she needed to hear.  

"Right. I can't go with you if you don't understand that." 

"I understand it, Clary." He didn't agree with it, but he understood it. "Can we go now?"

She raised a skeptic brow at him, but nodded. "Yes. Lead the way."

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Main writing track for this chapter: Surrender by Natalie Taylor :)

Clary was nothing short of baffled as she walked with Sebastian. She had no idea where he could be leading her or what he could want to show her out in Central Park. And her confusion only grew as he suddenly came to a stop and said, “Okay, here we are. Don’t let go of my hand.”

“What—”

“You’ll see.” He cut her off and took another step forward, pulling her with him.

With one forward movement the air around them melted and parted and they were stepping into a whole new place. Clary’s eyes widened as they walked into the large living room of what appeared to be a very modern looking apartment and her gaze quickly shifted to Sebastian.

“Where are we?”

“It’s our father’s apartment. He used to bring me here when I was young and he taught me how it works. It exists in sort of a pocket dimension and we can take it anywhere. Or we can stay off the grid if we choose.”

Clary blanched a bit at the idea of it being Valentine’s apartment, but she tried not to let it bother her too much. It was a nice place from what she could see and there was even a large flat screen television and video games in the living room. 

“He, uh…he had clothes here for our mother and I think they’re about your size, so there are things for you to wear if you choose to stay for a while.”

“You’re giving me a choice?” she challenged, moving further into the place and glancing around curiously. There was a set of clear, glass stairs leading to an upper floor and she wanted to go explore, but she needed to figure out where she and Sebastian stood first.

“You attacked me with a lamp the last time I didn’t give you one,” he reminded her. “Not that I can’t hold my own against my little sister, but I’d rather we didn’t fight. I want you to stick around this time.”

“Why?” She faced him now, studying him unabashedly.

“Because you are all I have left, Clary. From the moment I escaped Edom there were two things I wanted; to make our father pay for what he did to me, and to find you. I can’t lose you.”

The words were like a stab to her heart and they made her want close the space between them and hug him as tightly as she could. But she had to take her time with this. She had to figure out if he was really going to respect her boundaries before she could truly let him in.

“Why did you take me to our parents old house? The one in Idris?” She didn’t know why she asked it. Perhaps it was an attempt to connect this person in front of her with the one she’d spent so much time with before he’d let the glamour go. Or maybe it was just to try understanding him better. Either way he didn’t seem too thrown by the question.

“Because I needed you to understand that I’m not Jonathan. I’m not the green-eyed boy you may have grown up with there in another life. But I still need you.”

 _That brother...he doesn't exist. But the real one...he's still out there and he needs you._ The words he’d said to her that night replayed in her head and she nodded, murmuring, “Okay. Look, I’m completely exhausted from all of those dreams you kept filling my head with all week, so maybe we should go to bed for the night and talk more tomorrow?”

“Sure,” he agreed. “I could use some sleep as well. I’ll show you to your room.”

He moved towards the stairs and she followed him, silence falling between them as they headed up to the second floor. It wasn’t until they were outside what was meant to be her room that he spoke again.

“If you don’t mind me asking…what were the dreams like?”

Clary’s heart thudded a little faster at that question. “You mean you didn’t…orchestrate the details?”

“It’s not that easy to penetrate another person’s mind, especially from a distance. I sent a general message—that I wanted you to come find me—but I couldn’t control the way that message manifested in your mind.”

“Oh,” she muttered. “Well, generally it was just you showing up and saying you missed me. And you’d always disappear at the end and tell me to come find you.”

She hoped she sounded convincing despite the way she was completely losing her mind internally. She didn’t want to think about the idea that her brain and not his had chosen to manifest his message in such a romantic manner. 

“I did miss you,” he said softly, his hand moving towards her but then falling back to his side. “Get some rest. We have all the time in the world to talk once we’ve slept.”

“Yeah…goodnight, Sebastian.” She didn’t even give him time to respond before she was moving into her new room and closing the door behind her.

“Goodnight, Clarissa,” she heard him say through the door before she heard his footsteps moving down the hall.

This was going to be every bit as difficult as she had imagined and it wasn’t just because of his obvious desire for her. She had felt an undeniable twinge of sadness when he’d let his hand fall without touching her and it had taken all she had not to hug him after she’d said goodnight. Because the truth was, no matter how different he looked he still _felt_ the same as the person she’d traveled with—the person she had always held the hand of just because it made her feel calm. Part of her still longed for the closeness they’d shared. Her soul missed his.

Sighing, she moved to the wardrobe and pulled it open to see what there might be for pajamas inside. She cringed a little when all she found was silky night gowns lined with lace. There were a few that looked like they would cover her more substantially, so she picked one of those and put it on. It was soft and comfortable and it fit her perfectly.

Trying not to think about the fact that this room and her clothes were all supposed to be for her mother, she crawled into bed. After a moment a calm settled over her that she hadn’t felt all week and she knew it was because Sebastian was right down the hall. The cord between them wasn’t so taut anymore—there was room to move and breathe. And Clary, for once, breathed very peacefully as she drifted off to sleep.

 

“How did you sleep?” Sebastian asked, setting a plate of bacon, eggs, and pancakes in front of Clary at the dining table.

“Much better without you poking around in my brain.” She smirked at him as he sat near her and started cutting up his pancakes with a fork and butter knife. “But I’ve been thinking a lot since I woke up.”

“What about?”

“Us. This connection between us,” Clary started, pouring herself more orange juice from the pitcher in front of her. “When we first met it was like…you were just familiar to me in this really obscure way that I didn’t understand. But now…”

“It’s like a living thing,” Sebastian supplied when she trailed off.

“Exactly,” she sighed, hating to admit it to him but knowing he’d call her on it if she tried to minimize the situation. “It’s not… _normal_. And I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s happening.”

“Any theories yet? No pressure. I know it’s still early.” His tone was teasing, but his eyes were genuinely curious.

“None. Logically I feel like we should repel each other. I have pure angel blood in me, you have pure demon blood in you. We’re opposites.”

“We’re not though. In that one aspect, yes, but not in everything else. We’re very much alike, Clary. We know what we want and we fight for it relentlessly. And we’re not afraid to against the rules to achieve our goals. We’re powerful and determined. Why wouldn’t souls like ours call to one another?” He had laid his silverware down and both of them had pretty much forgotten about their untouched breakfast. “Have you ever given any consideration to the things we could achieve if we worked together?”

“No, I haven’t thought of it from that angle, but I’m going to assume you have.” Clary gave him her full attention, half afraid and half intrigued by what he might say next.

“I most certainly have,” he confirmed. “How could I not? You and I are two very special breeds of shadowhunter. There’s never been anything like us before. And we balance one another. You are the light to my dark. Where I fumble, you can carry me, and vice versa. If we put our powers to use and worked together, there’s really not much we _couldn’t_ do.”

“So you think that’s it then?” she wondered. “You think we’re drawn to each other because we’re more powerful together?”

“I think that’s one piece of the puzzle, yes. That, our Morgenstern blood, the fact that we quite literally have no other family left…I could go on…we live in a world that’s bursting with power and magic; with all of those factors at work, it’s not so strange that this pull between us has taken on a bit of a life of it’s own. And I know you don’t want to discuss it, but I imagine the physical aspect of our relationship fueled it as well.”

Clary immediately felt herself turn red, but she kept a straight face as she said, “Touché. Well, mystery solved, I guess.”

She started in on her food, but she could sense Sebastian watching her and she glanced back up at him. He was smirking and when she looked at him he said, “Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

“For now.” She shrugged and took a drink of her juice. “I mean, it’s like you said, we have all the time in the world. And I’m hungry.”

He chuckled at that and echoed, “Touché.”

They were silent for a while after that as they ate their breakfast and it left time for Clary’s mind to wander. She had to admit that what Sebastian said made sense, but it wasn’t just _why_ they had this connection that concerned her. There was also the fact that she didn’t know if it was ever going to go away. Before he’d come into her life she hadn’t even known he existed and now…now she couldn’t be away from him without some part of her feeling empty. It was part of the reason she’d made the choice to find him—she was afraid of what might happen to her if he died. She didn’t think it would harm her physically, but emotionally…

“It’s almost like we’re parabatai,” she said, suddenly breaking the silence. “I’ve always heard Alec and Jace talk about the bond, but I never really understood it until now. This feels like that.”

“I imagine it’s very similar, yes,” Sebastian agreed.

“Do you…do you think it’s permanent?” she wondered, looking down at her plate. She could feel the tension begin to roll off him the moment she asked the question and she sheepishly glanced back up at him.

“Do you not want it to be?” he countered, frowning at her now.

“I…I really don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what I’m even doing here other than trying to keep you alive.”

“I see.” He gave a nod and composed himself. “Perhaps the only thing we can do now that all the cards are on the table is get to know one another again. We can save the big questions for when we’ve been properly reacquainted.”

“I’m okay with that if you promise me that you’ll be honest with me this time. Don’t hide anything from me and don’t lie to me.”

“I promise. No more secrets.” He reached over and placed his hand over hers where it lay on the table.

Clary looked at his hand and reflexively moved her thumb from under it to run it over his fingers once. His hands were different now—even more slender and lovely than Sebastian Verlac’s had been—but they felt the same when they touched her somehow.

After a moment she pulled her hand back and picked up her fork, asking, “So, what are we going to do with all of this free time we have?”

“Anything your heart desires,” he told her, smirking. “We could go back to Paris. You only got to visit one seedy alleyway; there’s much more lovely sights to see there if you’d like to go.”

Clary’s mind couldn’t help flashing back to their time in Paris, including what they’d done back at their hotel room. Her hand tightened on her fork and she said, “I think maybe I’d like to see Ireland. Maybe visit the Cliffs of Moher. Or a castle; I’ve never seen a real castle before.”

“Ireland it is then. We could stay the night in a castle there if you wanted to.”

“That does sound pretty great,” she admitted. “Maybe just for one night.”

“I’ll make arrangements after breakfast.”

He smiled and went back to his food, but Clary couldn’t focus on eating anymore. She was too busy watching her brother. She had so many reservations about the choice she had made to stay with him, but as she watched him cheerfully sip his coffee she felt a small resurgence in her of the hope she’d lost before. Maybe she could do this. Maybe she could build a relationship with Sebastian and help him. There was so much humanity and passion in him. There was darkness, too, of course. She’d seen it firsthand. But for the first time in a while she didn’t feel like he was doomed.

 

 

_To Simon, Jace, Izzy, and Alec,_

_Please forgive me for leaving so suddenly again. I know that you won’t be able to understand why I made this choice, but I promise you that it’s one I had to make. My brother needs me. Leaving him to the Clave would be leaving him to his death and that’s something I can’t do. My mother left him and Valentine sent him to Edom. I can’t abandon him, too. I promise to return as soon as I can, but please don’t look for me. This is between me and Sebastian. I love you all and I’ll miss you while I’m gone. Stay safe. Goodbye for now._

_-Clary_

Jace read the note out loud to the others it had been written for, his voice tense as he did so. The three listened intently, Alec rolling his eyes in frustration while Isabelle and Simon just stared at Jace with wide, sad eyes. When he finished reading, Isabelle was the first to speak.

“We need to go after her,” she insisted matter-of-factly. “He attacked her the last time they were together, why the hell would she go back to him?”

Simon, who looked like he might throw up, agreed adamantly, “She’s right. We have to find her. You guys, she never said anything because she was really shaken up about it, but Sebastian…he like, thinks he’s in love with her or something. There’s no telling what he might do to her.”

“Wait, what?” Jace’s entire body tensed at this new information. “What did she tell you?”

“She said that Sebastian has this idea in his head that they’re supposed to be together—that he has ‘romantic feelings’ for her.” The vampire’s leg was bouncing anxiously as he spoke.

“Jesus, just when I think this can’t get any worse,” Jace scoffed, getting to his feet and running a hand through his hair. “And I’ve got even more bad news for you guys—I tried to track her as soon as I found out she was gone and she’s just…blank. I can’t even get a general idea of where she might be.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s…?” Jace didn’t think Simon could get any paler, but as he spoke he somehow managed.

“Not necessarily; it could just mean she’s cloaked somehow,” Alec answered, always the voice of calm and reason.

“So what do we do?” Simon pressed.

“There’s not much we can do other than wait,” Izzy told him regretfully, resting a hand on his shoulder. “We can set up a map and continuously try to track her in case she pops up somewhere, but if we can’t track her and she doesn’t want us to find her…”

“Why would she do this again? After everything he did? Does she _want_ to die?” Jace balled up the note in his fist.

“She always wants to see the good in everyone,” Simon sighed. “Even if there’s no good to see.”

They all went silent, glancing at one another hopelessly. There was nothing they could do now. She was unreachable and they didn’t know when she would be coming back. But Jace knew that she _would_ be back. Clary was strong and she’d survived Sebastian once. She would do it again. She had to.

 

Clary went through the clothes in her room, trying to decide what would be best to wear for a trip to Ireland. She’d researched the weather and it seemed logical to go with sweaters and jeans.

“Not to be cliché, but I think you should wear that green one.”

Sebastian’s voice sounded from the doorway and it startled Clary, who quickly turned her head to look at him. She relaxed a moment later though and reached into the wardrobe, grabbing an emerald knitted sweater and pulling it out. “This one?”

He smiled and nodded, moving into the room and over to her. He looked at the sweater and then at her, his fingers slowly stroking over a lock of her hair as he said, “It makes your hair look even more like fire.”

“I bet that’s the same reason Valentine bought it for our mother,” Clary mused as Sebastian’s hand fell back to his side. She laid the sweater on the end of her bed and went back to sifting through the clothes. “I’m lucky there’s jeans in here. I mean, there’s only two pairs, but it’s better than nothing.”

“We can always go buy you more,” he insisted, standing at her side and looking into the wardrobe as well. “I want you to be comfortable here. Although, you would look lovely in silk blouses and gowns every day…”

“Yeah, not happening.” She snorted and grabbed a maroon sweater and the only pairs of jeans. She turned and laid them with the first shirt. “Two outfits should be enough, right?  We can’t really stay in one place long; I can’t promise they won’t be tracking me back at the Institute.”

“Always on the run, aren’t we?” Sebastian chuckled.

“Maybe someday we won’t have to be.”

“Maybe. But I can’t think of anyone better to be on the run with.” He picked up the emerald sweater and handed it to her. “You should wear this one first.”

“If you insist.” She smiled at him, very aware of the fact that he was standing unnecessarily close to her side, and went on, “Go get yourself ready so I can change.”

“If you insist,” he echoed. He smirked and took a moment to brush her hair behind her ear before turning and leaving the room.

Clary stared after him, cursing the way her pulse was running wild. She shouldn’t still be reacting to him like that. Her heart shouldn’t race and her face shouldn’t turn red. But every time he touched her that’s exactly what happened.

She looked down at the green shirt in her hands and sighed. She shouldn’t wear it. It’s what he wanted her to do and it was only playing into the delusions he had about their relationship. But it was beautiful and soft and she liked the idea of wearing it as she explored the Cliffs of Moher.

“I’m wearing it because _I_ want to,” she muttered as she closed her bedroom door and stripped off the t-shirt she was wearing. But even as she said it she couldn’t get the look on Sebastian’s face as he told her it made her hair look more like fire out of her head.


	13. Chapter 13

“Alright, now I want you to close your eyes,” Sebastian instructed, taking Clary’s hands. “And don’t open them until I tell you.”

He smiled as Clary eagerly closed her eyes and urged, “Let’s just go. I want to see them.”

“Patience is a virtue, little sister,” he teased, but he moved them through the wall of the apartment and out into the open air a moment later. They were, as she had wished, at the Cliffs of Moher and the sun was peeking through the clouds, rays of it shining down onto the water at the base of the jagged cliffs. It was a beautiful sight, one that he knew was going to take her breath away.

Sebastian guided his sister closer to the edge of a cliff and when he decided the view was just right he came to a stop. Still gripping her hand in his, he murmured, “Okay. Open them.”

He watched her as her eyes flew open and then instantly grew wide. Her mouth popped open and she let out a gasp of awe, her hand tightening on his. “Oh my gosh…it’s…it’s _amazing._ ”

She quickly looked over at him just long enough to grin like an idiot and then she let go of his hand and began to roam along the grassy edges.

Sebastian stayed put, his gaze following Clary. He watched as the rays of sun hit her hair, the orange shimmering a vibrant gold in the light. He watched the delicate way she stepped, being careful not to trip because she couldn’t take her eyes off the shimmering water and tall cliff faces. She looked every bit as beautiful in the emerald sweater as he had imagined she would and she looked like she belonged here.

Eventually she seemed to realize he wasn’t following her and she turned to look at him, her mouth open as though she were about to holler at him. But as her gaze found him her mouth suddenly closed and she stared back at him. They stood like that for a moment, gazing at one another from a distance, and then she finally sprang back to life and called, “What’s taking you so long? Come on!”

He sighed, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket, and began to walk in her direction. She waited for him and as he caught up she said, “We should really go back to the apartment and put together a picnic. I can’t think of a better place for one.”

“As I’ve said, whatever your heart desires. We could do lunch here and then head over to the Rock of Cashel. I’d love to see your face when you see the cathedral there.”

“Well, if there’s anything I can say for you it’s that you are a _phenomenal_ suck-up.” She smirked at him and bumped him with her shoulder before moving on, glancing back to make sure he was following her this time.

“Glad to know it’s working,” he retorted, trailing after her.

After a while they went back to grab some things for lunch, then had their picnic. By the time they were done eating Sebastian was feeling very confident in his abilities to build a relationship with Clary. She was happier than he’d ever seen her, smiling and laughing and positively _glowing_. It was like her angelic blood was shining through and it continued as they popped back into the apartment long enough to travel to the Rock of Cashel.

Sebastian hoped that by not staying in one place without disappearing back into their separate dimension for a while they would make it difficult for Clary to be tracked. But regardless of this tactic, he was constantly aware of their surroundings. He let his sister get lost in the beauty of Ireland, but he watched for other shadowhunters at all times. If he saw any sign of them he would haul her back to the apartment as fast as his demon blood allowed, which was faster than any other shadowhunter could move.

“You know, I had a thought today,” Clary mused as they explored the worn, but beautiful cathedral. “I’ve seen more of the world since I’ve met you than I had my entire life before you showed up.”

Sebastian stopped his relentless scanning for a moment and glanced at Clary to see her watching him. She had a pensive look on her face as she continued, “I guess I just want to say thank you.”

“For what exactly? Broadening your horizons?”

“Yes. And for being with me while I have these experiences. I always wanted to come to Ireland with my mom. Our mom. But…being here with my brother is good, too.” She smiled softly and reached over, running a hand down his arm before she continued walking.

“I’ve been to these places before. I did a lot of traveling when I first took on the persona of Sebastian Verlac,” he told her, following her as she roamed to the small graveyard outside. “But I like it much better this way. I like being here as myself and with you.”  

Clary stopped again, glancing around at the gravestones somewhat absentmindedly. “I never asked…why did you choose to be someone else? Why didn’t you just come find me as yourself?”

She turned to face him now and he frowned at her, saying, “I thought that would be obvious.”

“Is it because of our mother?” she asked, taking a few steps closer to him.

“All my life I’d been told that she wanted me dead—that she was terrified of me.” Sebastian bit his lip and looked down at the ground before going on, “And our father…he condemned me to a demon realm, because he didn’t want me either. So why should I have assumed that you would just welcome me with open arms when they refused to?”

He heard Clary take a shaky breath and when he looked at her again there were tears in her eyes. She moved even closer to him now and took both of his hands in hers, meeting his gaze.

“The moment I found out you were alive I was ready to welcome you into my life,” she told him, squeezing his hands. “I never cared about what my mother thought of you or about the demon blood. I just wanted my brother.”

“Yes, well…by the time I realized that I was already so deep into my cover and you…you were very fond of Sebastian Verlac.”

Her face twisted with emotion at those words, a mixture of them that Sebastian couldn’t quite decipher. Guilt? Regret? Sadness? Something else entirely?

“So you didn’t want to tell me because you knew it would change the way that I cared for you?” she clarified, watching him steadily. She was truly trying to understand and it made him want to kiss her, no matter how ironic the timing would be.

“Something like that,” he agreed, a cynical chuckle escaping him. “I thought that if you loved me enough then when you found out who I really was it wouldn’t matter.”

Clary’s hands moved up to his arms, pulling him slightly closer, and she stared at him with blatant confusion in her eyes. It looked like there was a war going on in her head and she didn’t speak for a long moment.

The suspense of her silence and the expression on her face were enough to drive Sebastian mad, but he didn’t dare speak. This was the first time since she’d left Paris that he could see with total clarity the effect that he’d had on her over their time together. He had always believed that some part of her still wanted him, but in that moment, he knew it.

“We should get back to the apartment,” she suddenly insisted, letting go of him. “They’ve probably tracked me by now. We need to shake them off again.”

“Clary…” He reached for her, but she stepped back.

“Sebastian, I can’t right now,” she muttered. “I’m sorry.”

With that she started walking back in the direction of where they’d left their invisible home. Sebastian stood in the graveyard for a long moment, watching as she walked away, and told himself that this was okay. He’d broken through a layer of the wall she’d put up. This was progress.

 

Clary was locked in her room when Sebastian got back to the apartment and he decided it was best not to bother her. Instead he started working on dinner, part of him hoping she was hungry and that the smell would lure her out of hiding after a while.

Sebastian had never been good at being patient or thinking things through. It’s part of what had landed him in Edom. He couldn’t control his impulses and it was so easy to lash out in order to prove a point or get what he wanted. But his time in Edom had taught him self-control. He’d endured years of different tortures and endless darkness and he’d survived to tell the tale. He’d clawed his way out of a demon realm and achieved his revenge.

Despite all of this, he struggled when it came to having patience with Clary. Every time he had to hold himself back from kissing her or saying something too suggestive it was like fighting against quick sand. It was in his nature to simply succumb to his whims and let them overcome him, but he knew he couldn’t do that with her. What was left between them was so fragile and if he said or did the wrong thing at the wrong time then she might leave and never come back.

He could always _make_ her stay. It was well within his power to do so. She didn’t even know how to leave the apartment on her own and he certainly didn’t have to teach her. But that would only be a last resort. His dream of being with Clary didn’t include her hating him for all eternity while he kept her prisoner in their father’s apartment. He wanted her to love him. He wanted her to need him and choose him over anyone else the way he had with her. But he also felt sick at the idea of her leaving and being with someone else—someone like Jace or Simon. She was his. She just hadn’t accepted it yet. But she would—it was just a matter of time.

 

Jace sat on the couch in Alec’s office, staring down at the map they’d laid out to track Clary. Magnus has used a spell on it so that if she became trackable again it would show where she was. And over the past twelve hours it _had_ shown where she was, but that location kept changing.

She was in Ireland—that much he did know. But she’d show up in one part of the island only to disappear after a while and reappear somewhere else. Now she was blank again and had been for a few hours.

It was sort of like torture just waiting for her to reappear, especially knowing she would probably only disappear again once she did. But there was one good thing about it; Jace knew she was alive.

“You can’t stare at that thing forever,” Alec chided, walking into his office and frowning at his parabatai.

“Sure I can,” Jace sighed. “Not sure how much good it will do me, but at least I’ll know she’s not dead.”

“You need to eat and rest. You’ve been sitting there for hours. I’m surprised you haven’t passed out on the couch.” Alec crossed the room to him and sat down. “C’mon, Jace. I’ll keep an eye on it for a while. Go take care of yourself.”

“Fine, fine…” Jace grumbled and got to his feet. “But if something changes I want to know right away.”

“Of course. And Magnus is going to be here in a few hours to go over some theories he has about why she keeps fading in and out like she has been. I’ll come find you when he gets here.”

“Thanks, Alec.”

With much hesitation Jace left the office, trying to tell himself that Alec was right. He did need to take care of himself. He wouldn’t be any good to Clary should she need him if he was running on fumes. And there was always a chance that once Magnus showed up she might reappear, and then the warlock could create a portal and Jace could go find her before she had the chance to go blank again. He needed to be ready.

 

Clary didn’t want to go downstairs for dinner, but her stomach was in complete disagreement with her. It rumbled eagerly at the smell of homemade stir fry wafting up the stairs and eventually it started to ache with hunger. She’d have to suck it up and go face Sebastian.

She descended the stairs quietly, listening to the sound of her brother moving around in the kitchen. It sounded like he was setting the table now and as she entered the room she saw that her ears were correct. He was currently laying out the second plate and set of silverware and he looked up at her as she came in.

“Right on time. I wasn’t sure if you were going to join me, but I’d hoped you would.” He offered her a smile and she sheepishly returned it, going to sit in the same spot where she had sat for breakfast.

“It smelled too good to resist,” she said lightly. 

They ate quietly, Clary savoring the food and also trying not to think about the things Sebastian had said to her in Cashel. They had originally planned to go stay in one of the castle hotels in Ireland, but as they finished eating and made their way into the living room, Clary suggested, “Maybe we should just stay in tonight. We probably pushed it a bit being out as much we were today.”

“I’m afraid you’re probably right,” Sebastian agreed, sighing as he moved towards the TV and began rummaging through the stacks of DVDs beneath it. “We could watch that movie we never got around to.”

“We could. Why don’t you pick something this time; I’m terrible at it, as you know.” She took a seat on the couch, pulling her legs up into a crossed position.

“Okay…well, so am I, but I can fix that. I’ll just close my eyes…” He did as he said, closing his eyes, and reached out a hand, “And I’ll just grab something.”

“Seems a bit risky, but I don’t see another option,” Clary teased.

A moment later Sebastian plucked a movie from the middle of a stack and turned around to face Clary, holding it up. “This looks absurd. Perhaps I should actually pay attention to what I’m choosing.”

“No, that one is amazing!” Clary insisted, sitting up a little straighter as she looked at the cover of The Princess Bride. It was one of her favorite movies and she’d loved it since she was a child. “I used to watch that all the time as a kid.”

That last bit of information seemed to sway Sebastian, because he stopped staring at her like she was crazy and went to put the movie in. Once he had it started he dimmed the living room lights and sat on the couch with Clary, looking very skeptical.

Despite her love of the movie, Clary ended up spending most of it watching Sebastian. She studied him and his reactions, noting that he did seem to laugh quite often at the dry humor even if he did scoff a bit at some of the cheesier scenes. It was sort of fascinating to watch him get immersed in something, all pretenses falling by the wayside.

“So what did you think of it?” she asked him when it was over. They were still sitting on the couch as the credits rolled.

“It was good. Funny.” He smiled at her and added, “I was pleasantly surprised.”

“I do have good taste, ya know. In a lot of things.”

“You do, I have to admit that. But for someone who loves that movie so much, you didn’t watch it much,” he pointed out, raising an eyebrow at her.

Clary instantly started blushing, but tried to play it cool as she responded, “I like seeing the way people react to things the first time they see them. I’ve already seen it a million times.”

He nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on her, and said quietly, “Right. Of course. I’m sorry for insinuating anything else.”

Once again she found herself just staring at him, unsure of what to say or do. She didn’t know why it was so hard to put him in his place and remind him where they stood. It should be as easy as breathing to tell him that he’d always had her all wrong and still did.

But instead her hands fidgeted in her lap as she muttered, “I’m gonna go to bed. Goodnight, Sebastian.”

She stood up and started to move for the stairs, but before she could take more than one step Sebastian was spinning her back around. He gripped her arms, staring intently down at her, and his voice was low as he said, “Clary, you can’t keep looking at me like that and then walking away; you’re going to drive me insane.”

“Looking at you like what?” she countered, trying to convince even herself that she didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Like you have a thousand things you’re too afraid to say to me. Whatever it is, I want to hear all of it. _Please_.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Stop _lying to me_.” Frustration leaked into his voice now and his grip on her tightened slightly. “You want me to be honest with you and not hide things from you, but you deny me the same decency. How is that fair?”

“I don’t have anything to say!” Clary snapped, wrenching herself out of his grip. “I told you I wasn’t going to stay unless you respected my boundaries and the only thing you’ve done since I got here is try to break through all of them!”

“Well perhaps for every lie you tell me I should go ahead and break another,” he shot back, taking a step closer to her.

“ _Stop_.”

“You want me to stop?” He moved at her and backed her against the wall, putting one hand on either side of her head. “Then tell me exactly what went through your head today at the graveyard before you all but ran away from me.”

He stared into her eyes and she stared back, glaring at him. She wasn’t going to do this. She’d made herself clear on things the moment she'd come back and she couldn't take being pushed anymore. 

“Get out of my way,” she demanded. “If you want me to stay here with you, you’ll let me go to bed.”

“You couldn’t leave me if you wanted to, dear sister,” he taunted, removing his hands from the wall and taking a step back. “And you know it.”

“Go to hell,” Clary hissed, making a beeline for the stairs now that he was out of her way. She was already halfway up them when she heard his response called after her.

“No thank you, one trip was enough!”

She didn’t say anything back. She just went into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her like an angry teenager. There was so much anger and frustration bubbling up inside of her that she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and she wasn’t even sure where all of it was coming from. Their little tiff hadn’t even been that bad in comparison to what had happened in Paris, but she was boiling over with emotion. Her hands shook and her eyes stung and she wanted to punch something.

Instead she fell onto her bed, burying her face in a pillow, and screaming as loud as she could as tears started falling down her face. And as she let everything out—as she lost complete control of her emotions—a realization that had been nagging at the back of her mind made it’s way to the forefront.

Clary wasn’t just mad at Sebastian. She was mad at herself. She was mad, because try as she may she couldn’t deny that Sebastian was right. It _didn’t_ matter who he really was, because the damage was done. She hadn’t been falling for the face of Sebastian Verlac—she’d been falling for the soul of Jonathan Morgenstern.

 


	14. Chapter 14

The angel had said that Clary’s life would be irrevocably changed if she sought out her brother. Is this what he had meant? These unshakable emotions she felt for Sebastian? Surely it would have been easier to let him be caught by the Clave and spend her life believing that it was a false image that she’d developed feelings for.

She lay on her bed, all cried out after a couple of hours, and stared blankly at the ceiling. She’d heard her brother moving through the hall to his room a while ago and some part of her was even more angry at him for not bothering to stop and apologize to her. After all, he’d been the one who was in the wrong. He was the one who kept pushing past all her boundaries and disregarding her wishes. And he wanted to throw a fit and pin her to a wall again because she wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear? Screw him. She _definitely_ wouldn’t be the first one to say sorry. She had nothing to be sorry for.

Clary lay there stewing for a long time, completely losing track of time, which is why she was so shocked to see that it was one in the morning when she heard a soft knocking at her door. She considered pretending to be asleep, but she told herself that she needed to deal with this. She’d made her choice to be there and she had to deal with the consequences.

“Come in,” she called, sitting up and glancing towards the door.

It creaked open and Sebastian stepped into the dark room before closing the door behind him with a quiet click.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Clary asked as he approached the end of her bed.

“No. Apparently I’m not the only one.”

He looked vulnerable standing there with his arms anxiously crossed in his grey Henley and black pajama pants. He didn’t look like a demon-blooded shadowhunter; he just looked like a human boy who was terrified to say whatever it was he was planning to say.

“We never talked about my time in Edom,” he stated, his words shaky.

“No, we haven’t,” Clary confirmed, furrowing her eyebrows at him. “Sebastian, are you okay?”

He simply nodded and went on, “We, uh…we also never discussed _why_ I ended up there. We really haven’t talked about my past at all. But I want to talk about it. To you. Only to you.”

Clary scooted to one side of the bed and patted the space next to her. “So let’s talk about it.”

She might be angry with him, but the vulnerability he was showing her in that moment was more important than the argument they’d had before. If he was willing to open up to her about the things that had happened to him then she would let him.

He joined her on the bed, tucking one leg up next to him and letting the other dangle off the bed. Clary crossed hers, flipped on her lamp, and looked at him intently, her heart rate starting to pick up in anticipation of what he might say. This wasn’t going to be easy to hear and she knew that.

“I suppose I should start with before Valentine sent me away,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands and fidgeting. “He was never a loving father by any means. He trained me to fight and he taught me to read and write and taught me about science…but he was never nurturing. I was an experiment. A soldier. And when he discovered that he couldn’t control me—that there were consequences for the demon blood he had put in my veins—he sent me to Edom rather than trying to help me.

“He left me to my own devices when he left to be with Jace. He left me to my curiosity and my whims. And I did some things that I know are going to upset you, but I feel like I need to tell you regardless.”

Clary moved closer to him and took his hands, stopping his anxious fidgeting. “Look at me.”

He didn’t obey immediately, but after a moment he slowly turned his head to meet her gaze. His face was drawn and he frowned deeply, the sight making her heart ache.

“Sebastian, you can tell me anything,” she assured him. “There’s nothing you could have done that will make me run screaming. I promise.”

“I killed other shadowhunter children.” He stated it firmly, watching her intently for a reaction, but she made sure not to even flinch. After all, she’d been expecting something like that.

“And now? How do you feel about what you did?” she wondered.

“I don’t feel remorse, if that’s what you’re hoping to hear. The only guilt I feel is because I know what it must make me look like to you, but when I think of the lives I took…I don’t feel anything. But then again, my childhood is like another life to me after Edom. I barely remember what it felt like to be a child.”

“Why did you kill them?” Clary was doing her best not to judge. She just wanted to understand. She knew what she was dealing with, at least to some extent, and she had no delusions about what her brother was.

He looked away from her again, his face pensive. “The first time I was just curious. I’d been trained to wield deadly weapons and to kill demons, but I was too young to hunt. I wanted to know what it was like to kill something—to use all of the skills my father had taught me. After that…I just liked it. I was good at it. It was the only thing I was good at.”

Clary was choking back tears as she listened to him speak. She couldn’t help wondering how different he might have been if he’d just had someone to teach him kindness and love. There was such a large question of nature versus nurture when it came to Sebastian and his demon blood and it was an answer they would never really have. Clary could give him all the love and kindness in the world, but it wouldn’t change what had been done to him for all of the years they’d been apart. But maybe it could help.

“So he made you a killing machine and then sent you to Edom for being what he made you?” She moved one hand to his upper back, lightly scratching her nails over it in a comforting gesture. He sighed in contentment at the feeling of it and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Yes, that sums it up fairly well.”

“And…what happened in Edom?” she asked hesitantly.

He opened his eyes again and she felt his body tense under her hand as he murmured, “Ten years of endless torture. Demons marring me, telling me I was too pretty for their world and finding creative ways to make me hideous before healing me again so they could start over. I was lucky to escape with my face and most of my body in perfect condition. Good timing, I suppose. I do have a few nasty scars on my back that an iratze couldn’t heal.”

His tone was dark and bitter and she could see the tension in his jaw. She slid her hand up his neck and into the back of his hair, playing with the messy, white-blond strands.

“Show them to me,” she requested gently.

He looked at her now, their faces hovering no more than a few inches apart as she stroked his hair, and he asked, “Why?”

“Because I know you hate them. And you shouldn’t hate any part of yourself. So show them to me.”

Sebastian was hesitant, but it wasn’t long before he pulled his shirt over his head and laid it on the bed. He didn’t speak as Clary moved onto her knees and maneuvered herself so she was behind him. She sat back on her heels and studied his pale, slender back, unable to miss the four long, thick, and jagged scars that ran diagonally down it.

After a moment of taking in the sight of them, Clary lightly traced two fingers over the top one and murmured, “I hate that they caused you pain, but I don’t hate the way they look. It’s just a reminder of how strong you are.”

She traced the second one, and then the third and forth, and then before she could think about what she was doing she wrapped her arms around Sebastian’s shoulders from behind him. She laid her cheek against his shoulder blade and held him. A few seconds later his hands came up to grip her arms where they crossed over his chest and she felt his shoulders start to shake beneath her.

“It’s okay,” she whispered as she came to the painful realization that he was crying. “Our father might not have shown you love, but Sebastian… _I_ love you.”

She heard his breath hitch at those last few words and his grip tightened. His voice was shaky and quiet as he said, “Say it again.”

Clary hugged him tighter. “I love you. From the moment I found out you existed, I loved you. And I always will.”

Sebastian was silent for a long moment, clutching onto her like a lifeline, and she just held him patiently. But when he did speak again her heart gave a thud that was almost painful.

“You’re the only thing I’ve ever loved and I…I don’t know how to do it right,” he said shakily.

Clary let him go and moved to his side again before placing her hand on his cheek. She turned his face to her and saw the tracks of tears down his cheeks. She had seconds to decide which way this was going to fall and her nerves were all on edge.

She could tell him that she would show him the right way to love her as his sister. She could do what she kept telling herself was the right thing. Or…or she could listen to the tug in her chest--that cord that held them together and sang with peacefulness every time he touched her.

“You can start with this,” she whispered, making her final decision and kissing him slowly.

Sebastian wasted no time responding. He immediately tangled a hand into the back of her hair and took control of the kiss, nearly knocking Clary onto her back with his enthusiasm. She wrapped her arms around his neck to steady herself and smiled against his mouth.

All uncertainty left Clary’s body as they kissed. Everything inside of her was breathing a sigh of relief at finally being close to him like this again and she didn’t care about any of the challenges they had to face. If she could feel like this every time she kissed him, if she could hold on to this sense of completeness and peace in her soul, then she would never think twice about being with him again.

“Will you sleep in here tonight?” she requested, pulling back slightly.

“Gladly.” He ran his fingers through her hair and pressed a slow kiss to her lips before saying, “You have no idea how this feels.”

“How what feels?”

“This moment. I’ve been waiting for it from the day we met. It feels…like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He looked almost baffled as he gazed at her and it made Clary’s heart hurt for him. She knew what he was feeling, but it wasn’t the first time she’d felt acceptance and love and happiness. This moment was still huge for her, but she could only imagine what it must be like for him.

“This is what it’s like to be happy,” she told him, smiling as she let him go and moved to lay down. She pulled the comforter back and crawled underneath it. “Lay down with me. I’m tired. It’s been a big day.”

He just watched her for a moment as she got adjusted and settled her head on a pillow. He looked unsure of himself and Clary realized that he had probably never been intimate with someone in a way that didn’t involve sex. She reached for him, gently tugging at his arm, and insisted, “Just lay down. You don’t have anything to be nervous about. It’s just me.”

That seemed to ease whatever confusion was going on inside of him, because he pulled back the covers and joined her under them. He faced her as he laid down and she scooted closer to him, tangling their legs together and putting her arm around his waist. She buried her face against his bare chest, breathing in his scent and smiling to herself as she felt his arm go around her. A moment later she felt him kiss the top of her head and she responded by pressing one to his chest.

“Will you say it again?” he asked her softly, playing with her hair now.

“I love you, Sebastian,” she murmured, tracing her nails lightly up and down his back. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

She would say it a thousand times in a day if it would make him believe it. Because she knew that some part of him couldn’t believe that she could love him, no matter how certain he always seemed that she had to.

“And I love you, Clarissa. I’ve only ever loved you.”

She closed her eyes, her breaths slow and steady and her mind at peace. They had so many obstacles to face on the other side of the moment, but for now she would just be happy to fall asleep in Sebastian’s arms.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so, so sorry that I haven't posted in ages! Life has been a mess for a while and I just haven't had it in me to do much writing. I missed it though and this was a fun return to it, so I'm glad I made myself sit down and do it. I will do my best to get the rest of the fic out much faster and I promise I'm not abandoning it. It's way to dear to me and so are all you awesome people who keep reading it! <3 Also I hope this doesn't suck, because I struggled with it a lot more than should have been necessary. XD

Sebastian woke before Clary, a moment of confusion passing over him when he felt her in his arms. But then reality hit him, memories of the night before coming back to him, and he felt a strange swelling of emotion in his chest.

He didn’t know what he had expected when he’d decided to open up to her about his past. He’d just known that he needed to do something to prove to her that things were different now—that he was worth trusting. He had to break her walls down again. He just hadn’t expected it to work so well so quickly. It had been more of a “step one” than a final solution.

When she’d hugged him, embracing him and his scars without flinching, something had shifted inside of him. Sebastian wasn’t sure he could even explain or understand what it was that he’d felt at that moment, but it was new and big. Clary had said it was happiness, but it was more than that…after all the years of feeling alone and unwanted…

He looked down at her where she slept on his arm and a small smile formed on his lips. She looked so beautiful and peaceful and all he could think was that he would burn down the entire world for this girl if she asked him to. He’d never felt love before, not really, but he knew without a doubt in his mind that he loved her.

“Clary,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Wake up.”

She stirred against him, snuggling closer to him as her eyes blinked open and she groaned sleepily, “Hmm?”

Judging from the look on her face as their eyes met, she went through the same moment of confusion that he had before recalling how they’d wound up where they were. And also like him, she smiled as she figured it out.

“Good morning,” he said softly, brushing hair from her face.

“Good morning,” she replied, placing a hand against his chest and stroking his skin with her thumb. “How did you sleep?”

“Better than I have in a very long time.” He gently stroked her cheek and jaw before leaning in to kiss her, his nerves jumping a little as he did so. He couldn’t help worrying that she might suddenly change her mind about him now that they weren’t sharing bitter truths in the middle of the night.

But she kissed him back without hesitation and slid her hand up and around to the back of his neck. After a moment she pulled back and said softly, “We should just stay here all day.”

“Oh, should we? And do what all day, exactly?” He smirked at her and her cheeks immediately turned red.

“Well…we never did make up for the interruption in Paris,” she murmured a bit meekly, toying with the back of his hair.

“You raise a very good point.” He slid a hand down to her waist, pulling her closer to him. “Perhaps we ought to remedy that.”

“Perhaps you’re right.” She kissed him and hitched her leg over his hip, leaving no room between them. “Where were we? I can’t remember…”

“Well, you had considerably less clothes on if my memory serves me right. And you were begging so beautifully…” He smirked and rolled her onto her back, hovering over her and running a hand through her hair.

Clary didn’t seem to be in the begging mood though. Instead she pulled his mouth to hers and wrapped herself around him, the way she arched against him leaving no room for uncertainty about what she wanted.

Truthfully, Sebastian didn’t have the patience for all the foreplay he’d started back in Paris. Not this time. This opportunity had already been ripped away from him once and now he wanted to seize it before it could disappear again. And if she stayed—if by some stroke of luck he got to keep her with him this time—then they would have all the time in the world for that later.

A sense of urgency seemed to overtake them both, their kisses growing hungry and their breath heavy. They tore at each other’s clothes, only separating long enough to remove them hastily. It wasn’t until all their clothes were tossed aside and Sebastian lay over Clary that he took a moment to pause. He wanted to imprint the sight of her naked and flushed beneath him into his memory.

“You are…,” he ran his fingers down her chest and stomach, staring down at her as she shivered under his touch, “so incredibly stunning, Clarissa.”

She let him have his moment, smiling coyly under his admiring gaze before murmuring, “You’re not about to start making me beg again, are you?”

She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him against her, and he smirked.

“It is tempting,” he teased. “You’re fascinating to watch when you’re desperate.”

He intentionally pressed the tip of his cock against her entrance, relishing the little intake of breath she took at the pressure, and chuckled mischievously as he stopped. She narrowed her eyes at him and he just grinned wider.

“Okay, if that’s how you’re going to be…” She smirked at him now and before he knew what she was planning Clary was pushing him over and onto his back. She planted both hands on his chest, pushing him down into the mattress.

Sebastian swallowed any smart retorts, his own desire spilling over at Clary’s show of dominance. He gripped her hips as she slid down onto him and savored the way she moaned, letting out a groan of his own at the feeling of her warmth surrounding him. She moved at a slow, teasing pace as she rode him, her eyes closing and her head tilting back. She looked so beautiful that Sebastian could hardly stand it.

They carried on this way to start, but Sebastian was unable to tame his own dominant streak for long. After a short while he sat up and wrapped his arms around her before flipping onto her back. As soon as she hit the mattress he thrust into her hard and quick. His hands went for her wrists, pinning them to the pillow on either side of her head. His mouth ravaged hers, muffling her cries of pleasure.

“Sebastian,” she whimpered as his mouth moved to her neck. “Sebastian, that feels so good, but slow down…”

It took him a moment to realize what she had said and another moment for him to calm the desperate desire that coursing through him. After a moment he composed himself enough to come to a stop inside of her and meet her eyes.

Clary took his face in his hands and kissed him slowly before saying, “It’s never going to be our first time together again…I don’t want it be over right away.”

“I just…I feel like you’re going to get up and run off again,” he admitted, stroking her hair.

“I’m not going anywhere. Sebastian, I chose this. I chose you. I _love_ you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Well then show me. Make love to me. There will be plenty of time for the other stuff.”

He nodded, trying to talk down the part of him that was so naturally possessive and aggressive. He’d never “made love” to anyone before. He’d just had meaningless, rough sex with people who’s faces he didn’t even remember now. He didn’t know how to be loving and passionate, but for Clary he would try.

Clary started to rock her hips slowly, pulling his mouth to hers and kissing him gently. He let her take the lead, mimicking the slow tenderness that she showed him. He released her wrists and explored her body with his hands instead.

It came to him easier than he thought it would. Being gentle with her wasn’t such a challenge when he knew it was what she wanted. And it still felt just as incredible—perhaps even better. The tantalizing sensation of the steady, deep thrusts he moved with was driving him crazy and he couldn’t get enough of the long, lingering kisses Clary seemed unable to stop giving him.

It wasn’t until he was about to cum that he sped up again, his breaths as well as his thrusts growing unsteady. Clary, who seemed to be the only voice of reason between them, noticed this and put her hand on his chest. “Sebastian, we don’t have any protection…just let me take care of you, okay?”

She smirked at him and coaxed him onto his back before moving down his body. He watched her eagerly as she took his cock into her mouth and did his best not to buck his hips. He settled for lacing his fingers into her hair with one hand and gripping the sheets with the other, groaning as she swirled her tongue around him and met his gaze.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he whimpered, groaning as she took more of him into her mouth and moaned. He was unable to help bucking forward just a little as he raced towards his climax, but it didn’t seem to bother her. “Clary… _fuck…_ ”

He came hard, gasping as he did so, and Clary let him without pulling away. She waited until he was finished and had released her hair to crawl back up his body and smirk down at him. He was panting as he took her in his arms and grinned at her.

“I really do love you,” he told her breathlessly.

“I know you do.” She kissed him and then pressed her forehead to his. “Can we just stay in this bed forever?”

“Let me find a rune to rid us of all our inconvenient human needs and then absolutely.”

“Something tells me I couldn’t make that one up, but I could try.” Clary chuckled and kissed him again before frowning at him.

“What’s the matter?” He stroked her cheek with his thumb and tightened his arm around her.

“We can’t stay in the apartment for the rest of our lives. Everyone is going to be looking for me.”

“We will deal with that tomorrow. Or the day after. Or next week perhaps. Just not now. This moment is perfect, let’s not spoil it.”

He was grateful when she just smiled and nodded before curling up next to him and resting her head on his chest. Her voice was light as she sighed, “I am really hungry though.”

“One more round and then I’ll cook you a very extravagant lunch. Deal?”

She shook with laughter and wriggled impossibly closer to him. “Deal.”


	16. Chapter 16

The next few days with Sebastian were some of the most blissful days Clary had experienced. All they did was travel, watch movies, and have sex. Things were peaceful between them and they simply enjoyed one another’s company. The knowledge that they could continue on like this for as long as they pleased was sort of intoxicating to Clary and she wanted to keep on pushing aside reality.

However, reality wouldn’t leave her alone no matter how she tried to ignore it. The back of her mind was always swimming with thoughts about the life she’d left to go galivanting around the world with her brother. And no matter how she tried not to think about it, she knew she was going to have to go back at some point. At least for a little while.

She woke up on the fourth morning of their peaceful escapade and felt an unshakable pit forming in her stomach. She tried to curl into Sebastian’s chest and force it away, but it only got worse the more conscious she became.  

“Are you okay?” Sebastian murmured groggily, sliding an arm around her.

Clary wanted to lie. She wanted to smile at him and say everything was fine. She knew he wasn’t going to like hearing what she was really thinking. But she had to be honest with him—they’d promised each other nothing but the truth.

“No,” she sighed, pulling back from him to meet his gaze. “Sebastian…I have to go back home eventually.”

She felt his body tense and saw his jaw tighten. The pit in her stomach gave an extra strong lurch and she braced herself as he said slowly, “You have a home here. With me.”

“I know. But we can’t pretend like there aren’t a million loose ends that need tied up before I can stay with you. I have to deal with the Clave and my friends and Simon and Luke…”

“They won’t let you come back, Clary.” He propped himself up on his elbow and frowned down at her. “Not until you hand me over to them. The Clave will stop at nothing to get what they want and surely right now that’s me. They will throw you in a cell in the Silent City if that’s what it takes.”

“So we’ll plan first,” she insisted, sitting up and crossing her legs. “I’ll get Jace and the others to meet me on my terms. And I’ll stay right at the entrance to the apartment so if they try anything I can escape. But I have to talk to them. I have to deal with this. Sebastian, I love you, but you’re not the only person in my life that matters to me.”

He looked away from her now, flopping onto his back and chewing at his bottom lip. He looked like a child trying not to throw a tantrum because he knew it would get him into trouble, which was probably pretty close to reality.

“You can’t have both, Clary, and you know that.” He said it to the ceiling and fidgeted with the blanket.

“Maybe I could,” she muttered, toying with the blanket herself now. “They don’t have to know the nature of our relationship. Just that I want to stay with you. If I could convince the Clave that you’re not a danger and to stop looking for you, then maybe I could at least visit my old life sometimes.”

Sebastian didn’t reply. Instead he got up and started rummaging through his dresser and pulling out a shirt and pants. Clary watched him from the bed and sighed, unsure of what to say next. She knew this was delicate territory and she didn’t want to fight with him, but she would if she had to.

It wasn’t until Sebastian was fully dressed that he turned to face her and said bitterly, “They’ll never believe I’m not a danger. I’m not like you and Jace with your angel blood. I’m Valentine’s son and a demon. A liability. And the Clave doesn’t allow liabilities.”

“You said yourself that there’s nothing we can’t do if we work together. We can find a way to make this work if we try.”

“Why?” he snapped. She could see that his hands were trembling as he slipped them into his pockets and took a breath before continuing, “Why can’t this be enough for you, Clarissa? I’m offering you the world and you still want to go back.”

Clary pressed her lips together and took a slow breath through her nose. She had to remember who she was dealing with. Sebastian had years and years of abandonment issues and insecurities. Of course he was going to react this way. She just needed to make him see things from her point of view.

She got to her feet and made her way over to him, offering a small smile as she tugged his hands from his pockets. She held them, steadying them, and met his eyes.

“I will _always_ come back, Sebastian. Every time. I can’t live without you at this point. But Simon and Luke were my brother and father when I thought I didn’t have them. And the Lightwoods…they showed me who I really am—they showed me this whole world. I'm happy here with you and I will always come back, but I need to see them. Can you try to understand that?”

“Clary, I can’t lose you.” His face was grim, as was his tone, but after a moment he gave a small nod. “But yes. I can try. For you, I will try. But if they try to keep you from me…they _will_ regret it.”

A little shiver ran down Clary’s back and not a pleasant one. Despite all the love she felt for Sebastian, she still felt fear of the demon blood that ran in his veins. His ability to kill without remorse was not something she was foolish enough to write off just because she was in love with him.

“Nothing could keep me from you,” she assured him, closing the space between them and kissing him softly. “I know it’s not easy, but I need you to trust me.”

“Can I at least have you to myself for one more day? We can start the plans over breakfast tomorrow.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.

“I think I could manage one more day of peace and zero responsibility.” Clary smirked and draped her arms around his neck. “What should we do first?”

Sebastian grinned mischievously before hoisting her up off the ground by her thighs. Clary squeaked with surprise and wrapped her legs around him.

“I have an idea,” he said playfully, turning and pressing her against the nearest wall.

“I like the way you think.”

Clary let herself forget just one more time as his lips moved down her neck. Just one more day of this—of living in a bubble where all of this was okay and she could simply be happy. She was going to cherish it, because once it was over she had no idea if she would ever get to do it again.

 

Both the map and Jace had moved to the library where the young shadowhunter was avidly reading anything he could find on different dimensions. Magnus had a theory that Clary and Sebastian were hiding in some kind of other-dimensional pocket where they couldn’t be tracked, although he didn’t have any details on how they could find this place. He was looking into it, but that wasn’t enough for Jace. Two sharp minds at work was always better than one.

There was plenty of vague information on the theory of dimensional magic and the way separate dimensions existed next to each other, but so far he hadn’t found anything on how to actually travel between them. He certainly hadn’t found any information on creating or finding secret, traveling pocket dimensions. But he’d keep looking until he did.

He was sitting at a large table, surrounded by books and occasionally glancing over at the map, when the library doors opened and Isabelle came hurrying in.

“Jace, you’re going to want to come with me,” she insisted, marching up to him.

“Iz, you know I need to focus on this,” he countered, glancing up at her.

“And I need to inform you that Magnus managed to work some really questionable magic and get Valentine returned from Edom.”

Jace turned his full attention to her at that, sitting up straighter. “How?”

“He had to summon _a lot_ of demons, but he managed it. I guess he has some pull in the demon realms—maybe it has something to do with whatever demon gave him his power, I don’t know.”

“Does the Clave have Valentine?” Jace was on his feet now and heading for the library doors, Isabelle on his heels.

“Yes. They’re in the process of questioning him already. They think he might know how Clary and Sebastian are hiding.”

Jace felt a streak of hope for the first time since Clary had run off. “Let’s hope he’s pissed enough at Sebastian to rat him out.”

They wasted no time getting to the Bone City where Valentine was being held. However, they wouldn’t let Isabelle go any further than the first level. The Clave probably wouldn’t have let Jace proceed further either if it wasn’t for the relationship he had with Valentine. He knew they assumed that he had some kind of pull over the man he had once thought of as his father, but he wasn’t sure how true that was. He had to hope there was some truth to it though, because he needed this information. If anyone knew what Sebastian was up to, it would be Valentine.

The man smiled at the sight of Jace—his usual charming grin—but it didn’t meet his eyes. There was a darkness there that was beyond anything Jace had seen in him before and he silently wondered what had happened to him in Edom.

“It’s good to see you,” Valentine greeted. He was chained in a cell, the only light illuminating him coming from torches held by the Silent Brothers. “As much as I’d like to think you’re here because you missed me, I’m assuming you’re here to find Clary.”

“You’re correct. She took off with your psycho son and now she’s bouncing in and out of our dimension somehow. Would you know anything about that?”

“I might.”

“You either do or you don’t. You’re going to be put to death regardless of whether you tell me or not, so why don’t you do something useful before you go.” Jace crossed his arms and stared Valentine down. He wasn’t in the mood for his games. There were more important matters at hand.

Something shifted in Valentine at those words. Some of the cockiness left his grin and he gave a little nod. “Yes, I suppose you’re right. They’ve already informed me that there’s no information I can give them that would be worth sparing me.”

“Look, Sebastian screwed you over. Majorly. And he’d do it again given the chance. So just hand him over and let me find Clary.” Jace dropped his arms and wrapped his hands around the bars of the cell. “Please. After everything you’ve done to her and to me…you owe me this.”

Valentine was silent for a long moment, staring back at Jace pensively. But eventually some of the vigor returned to his smile and he said, “Oh, I suppose I might like to see my children one last time before the Clave has their way with me.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so sorrrryyyyy! The depression and busy schedule and lack of desire to write have been super real lately. But I'm not abandoning this! It probably only has 3-5 more chapters until it's done so I'm gonna try to buckle down and finish it. Sorry this one is so short, but I couldn't really carry it on with what I have planned next and not make it crazy long. Lol.

Clary acted like she didn’t notice, but Sebastian had been tense for the rest of the day since their talk about her going home. She wished there was a way for her to truly reassure him that he was at no risk of losing her—that she would always come back to him—but she knew that lessons like that could only be learned through time. He had so much learning and healing to do and she wasn’t sure if he would ever fully recover from the things he had been through. She didn’t know if that was possible.

He was reading a book now, probably assuming Clary was still asleep. She’d dozed off in an impromptu nap, but now she was awake and watching him intently. She loved the rare occasion that she could study him without his knowledge. He was so beautiful, and he was always peaceful when it was just the two of them. But today there was a tension in his body that wouldn’t ease and she wished she could take it away.

“I should draw you,” she mused in a sleepy voice, finally drawing his attention away from his book.

Sebastian, who was stretched down the length of the bed with the book at the foot of it, turned his head to smile at her. “And why should you do that?”

“Because you’re so beautiful.” She smiled back and sat up before crawling down to lay next to him on her stomach. “And it would give me an excuse to stare at you.”

“You can stare at me as much as you’d like,” he said softly, smirking as he met her gaze. “I do enjoy being the center of attention.”

Clary stretched forward and kissed him slowly before murmuring, “You’re the center of my universe.”

His eyes were gentle as he reached over, stroking his fingers through her hair. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, just toyed with her hair and let his eyes roam over her face. She laid still, letting him do so and knowing that he would speak when he was ready.

“Clary, you are my everything. My only. You _are_ my universe. Without you…there’s nothing for me.” He stroked her cheek now and there was a sadness in his eyes and in his voice. “Promise me you won’t ever leave me.”

“I promise,” she whispered, her voice cracking. She was holding back tears, his words stirring something inside of her that was threatening to come pouring out. “Sebastian, I swear. I’m yours. Forever, okay?”

“Okay.” He kissed her and then pressed his forehead to hers.

Clary closed her eyes, soaking in the silence and his presence. Her soul thrummed with peace and harmony at their closeness and it was all that she needed in that moment.

But then their moment was shattered by the sound of multiple pairs of booted feet from downstairs. It was like Clary had been floating on a peaceful cloud and it had suddenly fallen out from beneath her. She clutched onto Sebastian, her eyes flying open. 

“ _Sebastian_ ,” she hissed anxiously, their eyes locking.

A second later Sebastian was up on his feet and he was pulling her up, too. He dragged her in front of him, taking her face in his hands as a familiar voice called from the living room, “Jonathan! We know you’re here and that you have no way out! Surrender yourself and hand over Clary!”

Clary remembered a time when she’d loved the sound of Jace’s voice. Now it made her feel sick. She gripped the front of Sebastian’s shirt and whispered, “What are we going to do?”

“Clarissa, listen to me,” Sebastian insisted, staring at her intently. He still held her face in his hands, forcing her to hold his gaze. “They’re right. There’s no way out of this place but the door they are blocking. There are only two ways this can end and that’s either me being captured or all of your friends dying.”

“No. No, there has to be something—”

“Hush. You have to do something for me. I need you to pretend that you want to go with them—that I held you here against your will.”

“But…Sebastian, they’ll kill you, I can’t—”

He pressed a finger to her mouth as Jace called again for Sebastian to surrender himself and went on, “They won’t kill me without a trial. Our only chance is if you’re free. Both of us locked up in the Silent City isn’t going to do either of us any good. Convince them that you’re on their side and then come for me.”

“I can’t let them take you,” Clary insisted, tears spilling down her cheeks now. The panic raging inside of her was almost too much to take. She could hear the logic in what he was saying, but she was terrified. What if she lost him?

“You can do this. You are strong, Clarissa. You are a Morgenstern. And we belong together, so you _will_ do this. I’m going to lock you in this room and go downstairs. I love you.” He pressed a desperate kiss to her lips that was over entirely too soon and then he let her go, heading for the door.

“I love you. And I’ll save you, I promise.”

“I know you will.” He smiled weakly and then left the room, locking the door behind him as he’d said he would.

Clary took a deep breath, trying to compose herself as she went to sit on the end of the bed. She couldn’t look like she was falling to pieces. She somehow needed to be relieved when Jace came through that door.

“You are under arrest by order of the Clave for the kidnapping of Clarissa Fairchild and the murder of Sebastian Verlac,” she could hear Alec saying a few moments later, the words digging into her heart like daggers. She wanted to run downstairs and insist that he had not kidnapped her, that she was here willingly, but it wouldn’t change the fact that he had a murder charge stacked against him. Nor would it change the fact that the entire Clave was determined to end his life because he was Valentine’s son and “a demon”.

But she wouldn’t let that happen. They wouldn’t kill him. She didn’t know how she would do it yet, but she would find a way to get him out and they would disappear. They’d go to another realm entirely if that’s what it took and never come back, but they wouldn’t take him from her.

She was already trying to work out what she would do when she heard the door being unlocked. She stood up straight, working her face into something like gratitude, and as she Jace burst inside the room she exclaimed, “Oh my god, Jace! I didn’t know if I’d see you again!”

“Clary…” Jace breathed her name in relief, running to her and pulling her into his arms. He crushed her against him and kissed the top of her head. “Clary, why did you go after him alone? What were you thinking?”

“I’m sorry, I just…I thought I could help him, but I couldn’t,” she cried, the words tasting like bile on her tongue. “I thought I was getting through to him at first, but by the time I realized I was wrong he was dead set on me staying.”

Jace leaned back and pushed her hair from her face, staring at her like she was going to disappear before his eyes if he dared to blink. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I’m gonna take you home and you’ll be safe. Jonathan will never come near you again, I promise.”

Clary felt herself almost angry at Jace as he looked at her like he had some kind of claim on her. The adoration and the protectiveness in his gaze, it was like that of a lover. But they’d never been anything more than two people who were almost in love once. She cared for Jace, but her heart was not his and it never truly had been. She had always belonged to Sebastian and she always would.

Still, she smiled at Jace and said, “Let’s go. I don’t want to be here anymore.”


	18. Chapter 18

The attention that Clary was receiving now that she was back at the Institute was completely unwanted and she was struggling with how to pretend it was all okay. She was lucky to have the excuse of being recently “kidnapped and held against her will” by her brother as a cover up for how short tempered and tired she was.

Of course none of that stopped the Clave from questioning her relentlessly right after she had returned. They’d wanted every detail of her experience in the apartment from when she’d taken off until she had been “rescued”. She painted them a story about how she’d hoped she could help her brother find his humanity and how he’d turned out to be a lost cause. She told them that she’d tried to leave when she realized that it was hopeless, but she didn’t know how to get out of the apartment and he refused to let her out.

She dealt with the questioning, the sympathy, the constant check-ins to make sure that she was okay. She endured the insults people slung carelessly about Sebastian in front of her, although for the most part her closer friends were considerate enough to keep those to a minimum around her. She shouldered it all and somehow managed not to lash out at anyone, because she knew that Sebastian was depending on her.

There was no time for Clary to fall apart like she wanted to. Her brother’s trial was set for two days after she’d gotten back to the Institute and she somehow had to figure out how to break him out of the Silent City before then.

She had begun to formulate a plan the night they’d taken him into custody, but she was still working out the details. The hardest part was going to be getting around the Silent Brothers without them hearing everything going on inside her head. How did you lie to someone who could read your mind?

She was pondering this in her room when there was a knock at her door. Sighing, she got up and went to see who it was. It wasn’t much of a surprise when she pulled the door open to see Jace standing there.

“Hey,” he said with a gentle smile. “I just wanted to check on you. You haven’t come out of your room all day.”

“I’m okay,” she sighed, stepping back and letting him in. “I just…I have a lot to process.”

“Do you wanna talk about it? Might make it a little easier to process that way.” He shut her door and reached out to take her wrist, but she turned away from him and went to sit on her bed.

“I don’t want him to die,” Clary admitted, knowing it was the only truth she could get away with telling. She faced him again as she crossed her legs. “I know he’s done things that are unforgivable, but he’s my brother and I can’t accept that he’s just going to die. Because we know that’s what will happen after the trial.”

“Clary…” He moved to the end of the bed, standing next to it and looking at her as though he longed to be closer to her. She wasn’t going to invite him to do so though. There was only so much she could fake. “I think I can understand what you’re going through better than most. Despite all of his downfalls, Valentine raised me. He was my father and I loved him. And he’s going to be put to death, probably right alongside Jonathan. And even though I know that’s how it should be, there’s a part of me that is still going to mourn him. So you don’t have to go through this alone, okay? I’m here for you.”

Clary couldn’t think of anything else to do but nod and stare down at her blanket. She couldn’t be upset with Jace for the things he said. He didn’t have all the details and he was just trying to help her. It was what she would have wanted if things had gone the way she kept telling everyone they had.

“Do you…do you think they’d let me see him? Before the trial?” She raised her eyes back up to Jace, doing her best to look hopeful but innocent. “I just…I’d like to say goodbye and I don’t know if I’ll get the chance once he’s sentenced.”

“Actually, I think they would. It’s, uh…it’s a condition of Valentine telling us how to get into the apartment that he be allowed to see the three of us before he’s put to death. I could see about making that happen tonight if you want.”

Clary’s heart leapt at that idea and she had to refrain from flashing a triumphant smile. “I’d like that.  I think it might bring some closure for both us for all of us to be together before they’re gone.”

“Maybe…can’t hurt to try, I guess,” Jace sighed. “I’ll go talk to them, then I’ll be back.”

“Thank you.”

Jace nodded, chewing at his lip for a moment before he turned and made his way for the door. Clary watched as he left, feeling a pang of sympathy for him as she did so. He’d suffered so much in life and she knew that he was suffering even more every time he was with her. She wouldn’t string him along though. It would only make matters worse when she was gone for good.

Of course now she only had a matter of hours, maybe even minutes, before she had to figure out just _how_ she was going to disappear with Sebastian. Getting near him was the first step and she was fairly sure she could check that off her list. The next part was getting to him without the Silent Brothers figuring out what she was up to. And third was getting him free and getting away without them both being caught.

She had a rough idea of what to do for the last part, but she was still struggling with step two. One way or another though she was going to figure out, because failure was not an option.

 

 

“Well, well, well…my long-lost son has returned to me yet again, has he?”

Sebastian cringed at the sound of his father’s voice in the cell across from him. He’d seen the man sitting there when the Silent Brothers had brought him in and had felt nothing but dread at the sight. This was the last way he wanted to spend his time before Clary came for him.

“I won’t be here long,” Sebastian insisted, leaning back against the cold stone wall of the prison.

“I don’t imagine either of us will,” Valentine quipped. “I’ve accepted my imminent death by now; perhaps you should do the same.”

“Oh, I have no doubts that you will be dead soon. But that is because there is no one in this realm or any other who would find you worthy of saving.”

“And who would find you worthy? You’re nothing but a demon to them, Jonathan.”

“My name is Sebastian. And in the eyes of my sister, I am the farthest thing from a demon.” He said it with the conviction of a man of God and was almost surprised by how much he believed it.

“Is that so? You honestly believe that Clary will be able to save you? That she would even _want_ to save you?” Valentine barked with laughter and the sound echoed around Sebastian, making him flinch with irritation.

“She loves me. Unlike you and my mother.”

“I loved you once,” his father said quietly, the taunting tone leaving his voice. “As did Jocelyn. We both had hopes for you—different hopes of course—but the damage that was done with Lilith’s blood was far more than I ever could have predicted. I thought that I could teach you balance, but you’re too insatiable. You’re too violent. You’re a monster.”

Sebastian could feel his blood boiling. He wanted very much to lash out at his father and tell him that it was all _his_ fault. Valentine had made him the way he was and taken any chance at a normal life from him before he’d even been born. If he was a monster, it was because his father had turned him into one.

He was about to open his mouth to say all of this, but then he heard Clary’s voice in his mind. _You shouldn’t hate any part of yourself…_ o _ur father might not have shown you love, but Sebastian…I love you._

It didn’t matter what Valentine thought of him or what he had done to him. He would pay for his crimes when the Clave followed through with his death sentence. And Sebastian? He would be safe and sound with Clary and he would be loved.

“No matter what I am, Clary loves me and that’s the only thing that matters,” he stated, holding onto that fact like a lifeline.

“You can believe whatever you wish, Jonathan, but at the of the day it won’t change your fate. We’ll both be dead in the next forty-eight hours whether your sister loves you or not. There is nothing Clarissa can do to save you.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and laid his head back. “You underestimate both of your children then.”

 

 

“The Inquisitor is going to escort us to the Silent City,” Jace informed Clary, standing in her room once again. “From there the brothers will take us to a secured meeting room. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

Clary’s heart pounded wildly at that information. It was a mixture of panic and excitement that kickstarted it. She had no idea how she was going to pull this off, but she would manage it one way another.

“Okay. I’m going to change and I’ll meet you up front.”

Once she was alone again, Clary changed into fresh clothes and tucked her stele into her pocket. She wasted no time getting around and going to meet Jace, that cord connecting her to Sebastian tugging at her a little more enthusiastically now that she knew she was going to see him. Their time apart had been limited but given the circumstances it felt like forever.

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Jace asked her when she met up with him. “We don’t have to honor Valentine’s condition and if you’d rather stay—”

“I need to do this,” she assured him. “I’ll only regret it if I don’t.”

“Okay. The Inquisitor will be here soon.”

Clary nodded and crossed her arms, feeling as though she had to hold her insides together. She was silently praying for some kind of inspiration on how to get through this the way she had to. She knew that she somehow had to get Sebastian free of his shackles and get them both through a portal. She had runes for those things, but that didn’t help the fact that there would be people trying to stop her at every turn.

 _You can do this. You are strong, Clarissa. You are a Morgenstern. And we belong together, so you will do this._ She remembered Sebastian’s words and tried to let them give her strength. He believed in her and he was depending on her.

“You’re sure you’re okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick,” Jace pressed, eyeing her with concern.

“I’m good, just a little nervous.”

She glanced up to see the Inquisitor moving toward them and that was the exact moment that it hit her. Everything around her spun and blurred and suddenly her mind was no longer her own. She could no longer see the Inquisitor because everything had gone dark except for one brilliantly shining point before her eyes that she knew no one else could see.

It was a rune.


	19. Chapter 19

Confidence flowed through Clary’s body as she followed behind Jace and the Inquisitor to the entrance of the Silent City. She had scrawled the new rune on the inside of her arm when they weren’t looking and activated it, triumph thrumming in her veins. With this rune her mind was safe from the Silent Brothers and she knew without a doubt that she could pull this off now. It allowed her to project to them whatever she wanted them to believe, which was that she wanted nothing to do with Sebastian after this meeting.

She was grateful nonetheless when the Inquisitor did not go into the Silent City with them. One less person in her way was certainly a good thing. Jace wouldn’t hurt her, she knew that much, and she would use that to her advantage to keep him out of her way.

When they reached the room where the prisoners were waiting it took everything Clary had not to run to Sebastian. He met her gaze as she was ushered into the small, stone room by two of the Brothers and her heart raced instantly faster. He and their father were standing in the center of the room with chains around their wrists that were anchored to the floor. There were runes engraved around the shackles—extra security for such high-profile criminals.

“Hello, sister,” he said with a smirk. “It’s good to see you again.”

Clary saw from the corner of her eye the way Jace tensed at Sebastian’s acknowledgement of her, but she tried not to let it bother her. Instead she worked at keeping a straight face as she deadpanned, “Sebastian.”

 _We will leave the four of you to say your goodbyes, although we will not stray far._ The voice of one of the Brothers filled their heads and a moment later the two hooded figures were leaving the room. They shut and locked the heavy iron door behind them.

Clary forced herself to move slowly as she approached her brother, refusing to let her emotions slip. She had to time this just right or she would lose her chance to rescue him.

“Clary, maybe you should step back,” Jace requested, eyeing Sebastian with distrust.

“It’s fine,” she insisted, not taking her eyes from the boy in front of her. “He doesn’t scare me.”

“Whether that’s the case or not, he’s psychotic and pulsing with demon blood.” Jace reached out and took her arm, making an attempt to pull her back, but she wrenched her arm away.

That was when Valentine spoke for the first time, wonder in his voice as he watched his children. “Could it be that Jonathan was telling me the truth? He seemed rather insistent that Clarissa cares for him, even after all he’s done.”

“It’s not that. I just wanted to check one more time,” Clary lied. “I wanted to see if I could see the real Jonathan in there, but…I don’t think he ever existed…”

She reached up to push some hair from Sebastian’s face and then let her hand drop to his cuffs, the stele in her sleeve burning against her skin. She let it slip into her hand as she went on, “All I ever wanted was a brother. I wanted to believe in you, Jonathan. And you were right, I do care for you even though I know it’s not really you that I care for. It’s the brother I’d wished for, the one that never had a chance.”

She slowly, discretely scrawled a special opening rune on his restraints and tried not to think too much about what she was saying. It pained her to even pretend she felt that way and she could see in his eyes that he hated hearing it. As she finished the rune, she slipped the stele back up her sleeve and took a small step back from him, saying, “I have to let you go. That’s why I came here tonight, because I know I couldn’t do that if I didn’t see you one last time.”

She felt Jace’s hand land at the small of her back. He was being supportive, thinking that she was in pain as she said her final farewell to her brother. In a moment he would receive a very rude awakening.

Clary turned away from Sebastian, letting out a little whimper and moving towards the wall near the door. She’d never had to fake tears before, but she gave it her very best. Her shoulders shook and she wiped self-consciously at her face with the hand that wasn’t preparing to draw the portal rune.

A moment later she heard the clang of Sebastian’s cuffs falling from his wrists and took that as her cue. She took advantage of the short moment of confusion that she knew would overcome Jace to slash the rune onto the wall faster than she ever had before.

“Clary!” It was Jace, shouting out a warning. She whipped around, knowing that Sebastian would be moving towards her, and threw herself in Jace’s way as he lunged for her brother. She planted her feet as the portal began to open and stared at Jace fiercely, insisting, “You’ll have to kill me to get to him.”

A wave of hurt and bewilderment washed over his face at her words, but she tried not to dwell on it as she felt Sebastian’s hand clasp around hers. She moved to follow him to the portal, but she didn’t get far before Jace was grabbing her other arm and begging, “Clary, don’t do this! He’s not worth it!”

She opened her mouth to tell him that she _had_ to do this, that he needed to let her go, but before she could speak all hell was breaking loose.

Sebastian was around her faster than she could blink, ripping Jace’s hand from her arm and hissing, “ _Do not touch her. She is leaving with me._ ”

“We’ll see about that,” Jace challenged, yanking a blade from his gear belt just as the door to the room opened and the Silent Brothers came flooding in.

Clary stared ahead of her, assessing the situation and doing her best not to panic. She and Sebastian were being faced down by Jace and five Silent Brothers, but the portal was only one quick jump away. They could make it out.

“Sebastian, leave it,” she demanded, gripping the back of his shirt. “We can just go. We don’t have to fight them.”

“They’ll only keep coming after us,” Sebastian argued.

“You’re damn right I will,” Jace taunted. “I don’t know what you’ve done to Clary, but this isn’t her and I won’t stop until you let her go.”

“Jace, please, this _is_ me. This is what I want. I want to go with him, so just _stop_. I love him.” Clary tugged at Sebastian’s arm now. She could see that his eyes had gone completely black.

“You hear that? She loves _me_. She’s chosen _me_. And if you try to take her from me, I will end you.” Her brother snarled at Jace, looking like a panther ready to pounce.

However, it was Jace who pounced first. Somehow, Clary saw it before Sebastian did and she used all her force to pull him back and step in front of him. In less than a second she felt the sharp, forceful pain of an angel blade sinking into her shoulder and she cried out, but she did not move. She _wouldn’t_ move. No one was going to touch Sebastian, not without killing her.

She watched as the realization of what Jace had just done sank over him. She watched him withdraw the blade and drop it to the ground before stepping swiftly towards her.

“Clary…Clary, I’m so sorry…I can give you an iratze—”

“You’ve done enough,” she heard Sebastian snap. A moment later he was in front of her again, tackling Jace to the ground with the blade in his hand now.

“ _Stop!_ ” she cried, holding her wounded shoulder and glancing over her shoulder at the portal. It was getting smaller, but it was still there. “Sebastian, we have to go! I’m going to bleed out if we don’t go now!”

Clary wasn’t sure if that was true, although it did seem possible with the amount of blood she was losing. However, she did know that it was the only thing that was going to get her brother’s attention. She had hoped it would also stop him in his tracks, but that wasn’t the case. Before she could do anything else to stop him, he was plunging the blade downward.

She wanted to do something—to cry out at the very least—but she barely had a moment to breathe. Hardly any time passed at all between Jace being stabbed and Sebastian wrapping her in his arms before leaping into the portal with her. Before she knew it she was spiraling through darkness with her head cradled against Sebastian’s chest and no idea where they were going.

It wasn’t long before they hit solid ground with a harsh smack. Clary screamed in pain as her shoulder was jolted, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried to process everything that had just taken place. Was Jace dead? Was _she_ going to die?

She felt a hand against her cheek and she looked up from where she lay on her back to see Sebastian hovering over her.

“Clarissa, where is your stele?” he demanded. “I have to heal you.”

“I…I don’t know,” she murmured weakly. She felt cold and tired, but she tried to focus on her brother’s face. There was blood on it and she wasn’t sure who it was from. “I had it in my hand when I made the portal, but…I think I dropped it.”

Panic flickered across Sebastian’s face and he stroked her cheek, saying, “Clary, are you sure? It’s not in your pockets?”

He didn’t bother to wait for an answer. Instead he started checking her sweater and jeans pockets himself, his movements becoming more frantic. He must not have had any luck though, because she heard him curse under his breath.

“Am I going to die?” she asked, her voice breaking.

Sebastian’s face reappeared over hers and she was pained by the sight of tears glistening in his eyes.

“No, Clary, no…I won’t let that happen, I swear,” he assured her. “Maybe your stele made it through with us, hold on.”

He scrambled up to his feet and then disappeared from her view. She didn’t like not being able to see his face. If she was going to die then she wanted to look at him for as long as she still could. She wanted to be close to him.

“Sebastian?” she called, wanting nothing more than for him to come back and sit with her. But he didn’t answer. Instead she heard a different voice, one that she had only ever heard once before.

_You have been very brave, Clarissa. Or perhaps incredibly reckless. At every turn you have chosen the path less traveled. And now I would like to offer you one last ultimatum._


	20. Chapter 20

Clary felt her strength returning as everything around her went blindingly white. It was as though her surroundings had been erased, leaving nothing but blankness on every side. She sat up slowly, glancing down at her shoulder to see that despite her clothes being soaked with blood, she was completely healed.

“There were many possible paths for you and Jonathan from the moment that he was conceived,” the angel mused. Clary could hear him as though he were standing next to her, but she couldn’t see him as she got to her feet. “And I daresay the two of you have wound up on the least likely one at every opportunity. I rarely meddle in the affairs of your kind, but occasionally, there is a story worth following. I would truly hate to see yours end here.”

“So…you’re healing me?” Clary asked, part of her paranoid that she was just having some strange dream before dying.

“Yes. And I am also offering you further assistance, but this will come at a cost should you choose to accept it.”

“What is it?” She spun around, searching for any trace of the angel, but there was still nothing.

“Even with your life spared, you and Jonathan face a great many struggles. It is hard to see how the two of you could ever live in peace together under such circumstances. Don’t you agree?”

Clary frowned at that, but she couldn’t argue. He was right. With every Shadowhunter who was of age hunting for them they’d have to find a very creative way to hide to avoid being found eventually. Not to mention the fact that everyone they knew would shun them for their relationship if they ever found out. She had so desperately wished to be able to hold onto both parts of her life, but she didn’t see how that would be possible, especially now.

“The truth is, Clarissa, that it is not possible,” he went on, building from her thoughts. “You’re going to have to make a choice between life with Sebastian and your old life. The Shadowhunters would still accept you back—I would only need to make a few small tweaks to their reality and suddenly, Jonathan got free on his own and you’re back at the Institute safe and sound. You could choose to let him go and rebuild your life as a Shadowhunter.”

“And what’s the other option?” Clary pressed. The first choice sounded so simple in words, but in her heart it was far from it. How could she rebuild her old life knowing that she was leaving Sebastian behind? How could she carry on through every day without ever seeing him again?

“I convince everyone you know that you and your brother are dead and the two of you run away together to live in peace. Of course, that would mean sacrificing everyone in your life that you care for other than Jonathan. Or you could always continue trying to run, but that’s virtually the same choice with a much smaller chance of success.”

Clary couldn’t speak. Her head was too busy spinning with the vastness of the decision he had just laid out in front of her. She’d be lying if she said there wasn’t a part of her that was tempted by the ease and comfort of just going back to her life before Sebastian. The problem with that was that it would never be _before_ him again. It would always and forever be _after_. She could never just forget him.

“Perhaps a visual might help,” the angel suggested.

A moment later Clary was no longer alone in the empty, white space. To her left was Sebastian, standing with his hands behind his back and smiling softly at her. And to her right, everyone else she cared for. Jace, Isabelle, Alec, Magnus, Luke, and Simon.

She moved towards the latter first, starting with Jace. She stopped in front of him and he smiled down at her, but did not speak.

“Is he alive then?” Clary wondered, hoping that his presence in this strange place meant he was.

“He is, yes. The Silent Brothers saved him.”

“Good.” She didn’t linger in front of him after that. Instead she walked slowly down the line of her friends, studying their faces and feeling a tug of affection and sadness as she met each one of their gazes. The idea of never seeing any of them again made her heart hurt, but it wasn’t unbearable…not until she got to Simon.

He was the only one that she stopped and stood in front of for a long moment. She just stared into his face, feeling a piece of her heart and soul shatter at the idea of losing him. He was her best friend, had been for so many years, and she wasn’t entirely sure who she was without him. She also hated to imagine the pain it would cause him to believe that she was dead. And Luke? What would he do? Losing her mother had been a massive blow to him, but losing the girl who was virtually his daughter as well?

It wasn’t just her own wellbeing she had to consider. She knew that she would be hurting people in a way that she hated herself for considering. It was selfish to even think about it.

But then she turned around and saw Sebastian’s face. Something shifted inside of her as it always did when he walked into a room—her heart and soul and gut reacting to the sight of the man she loved. It was the most significant feeling she had ever experienced, and it never changed no matter how many times she looked at him.

Clary crossed over to him, staring up into his face and reaching her hand out. She almost expected it to go through him, but it rested on his chest instead. She could feel his pulse under her palm.

“He won’t make it without me,” she said, more to herself than anything.

“No, he won’t,” the angel agreed quietly. “He may live, but it will not be a full life. You are the only light in his heart—without you to balance him, he will fall prey to the darkness in his veins.”

“I don’t think I’ll make it without him either,” she admitted, reaching up to touch Sebastian’s cheek.

“In time you would figure out how. I truly believe you would flourish without your brother—as a Shadowhunter and as a human being. There is so much light and love inside of you. The question is, are you willing to sacrifice some of that to save Jonathan?”

Clary already knew her answer. It wasn’t an easy one, but it was also impossible to deny. The angel could tell her a thousand times over that this was a choice, that it was her decision, but she knew better.

“I would sacrifice all of it,” she said, letting her hand fall to her side. “Do it. Make them believe we’re dead.”

“You are positive that this is the life you wish to choose?”

“Yes.” She gave a confident nod, never letting her eyes leave Sebastian’s face.

“Then so it shall be. Good luck, Clarissa Morgenstern.”

 

 

Sebastian was frantic. The stele was nowhere to be found and when he returned to Clary she was unconscious. She was still alive, but he didn’t know how much time she had left. He knew enough about anatomy and blood loss though to know that it wasn’t much. A mundane would probably be dead already. He pulled her into his lap, stroking her hair back from her face and feeling more powerless than he ever had in his life.

“Clary…Clary, please open your eyes,” he murmured, his voice shaking. “You can’t leave me. You promised me you wouldn’t.”

He hugged her to him, burying his face in her hair as tears rolled down his face. What was he supposed to do? There had to be something, _anything_ , that he could do…

“I’m never going to leave you, Sebastian…”

Sebastian jerked back, his eyes finding Clary’s face, and his sob came out as a broken laugh instead when he found her looking back at him. His relief only lasted for a second though and then he was spiraling back into panic as he told her, “I couldn’t find your stele. We’re just inside Idris, I might be able to steal one—”

“There’s no need,” Clary insisted, sitting up in his lap. She pulled back her jacket and tugged her shirt down in the front, smiling at him as her shoulder was revealed.

“How?” Sebastian stared at her shoulder in bewilderment, his fingers tracing over the blood-stained, but perfectly healed skin.

She didn’t answer him at first. Instead, she took his face in her hands and kissed him deeply. Sebastian happily let her, folding his arms even farther around her as he kissed her back. He could wait a moment to find out exactly how she’d been magically healed and just enjoy the fact that he wasn’t about to lose her forever.

Clary kissed him for a long time before she finally pulled back and explained herself. “It was the angel that gave me my power. He saved me. And he…he did something else, too. For us.”

“What did he do?” Sebastian wasn’t sure whether to panic or be enthusiastic. Clary seemed happy—oddly so considering everything that had just taken place—but he didn’t necessarily trust angels.

“He set us free,” she told him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “He gave me a choice between my old life and a peaceful life with you and I chose you. Sebastian…everyone we know thinks we’re dead.”

Sebastian just stared at her for a long moment, unsure of what to say to that. It didn’t take him long at all to understand why that would make Clary happy, but he was also wise enough to know what she sacrificed to make it happen.  

“Clary…” He breathed her name, unable to get past those two syllables before pulling her mouth back to his. He poured everything he had into the kiss, wanting to convey to her what this gesture meant to him. She’d given up everything just to live in peace with him and it was the kindest, most selfless thing anyone had ever done for him. Before her he had never know goodness like what she showed him and she surprised him at every turn.

“You are far too good to me,” he finally murmured, his hand in the back of her hair and his face hovering close to hers. “How did a demon like me get blessed with an angel like you?”

“You’re part angel, too, ya know?” she reminded him. “You are a Shadowhunter, after all. Not that it matters. You are who you choose to be.”

“I choose to be yours. For the rest of my life.”

“I like that choice.” She smiled softly at him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, making his heart flutter. “Where should we go first now that we’re not being hunted?”

“Ireland,” he decided without much thought. He remembered how much she had loved it there and how beautiful her red hair had looked against the green fields. It made it a rather simple choice. “We’ll build a house right near the Cliffs of Moher, so you can see them every day if you wish.”

Clary just grinned wider and hugged him tightly to her. Sebastian buried his face against her neck and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, silently holding each other in the trees of Idris, but he didn’t care. They were no longer in a rush to run or hide and there was no one trying to take Clary from him. She was his now, only his, and everything was as it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go! I'm actually a little sad. I've had so much fun writing this. I hope you're all pleased with the outcome of this chapter, especially after I made you wait so long for it :P


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is more of a little epilogue than a chapter, but I hope you guys like how I chose to end it :) All I've ever wanted for Clary and Sebastian (him especially) is a happy, peaceful ending where Sebastian is alive and well. Thank you so much to everyone who read all the way to the end! You guys are the reason I finished it. <3

The house near the cliffs truly felt like home after the year Clary and Sebastian had spent in it. It was a beautiful wooden cottage with an abundance of large windows and a sprawling front deck for Clary to paint on.

Clary had made friends in Ireland that she visited sometimes, but no one that she was really close to. It was nice having people to go out with and talk to, but more often than not she missed Simon and Luke. She missed the Lightwoods, too. There were days when it was all she could think about and the urge to go to New York was almost overwhelming. She’d tell herself that she could just tell Simon, no one else, and that he would keep her secret. He didn’t owe anything to the Clave. It was something that she truly thought she might do eventually, but she couldn’t help worrying that things would somehow spiral out of control if she did.

Despite those lonely days where she ached for her old life, she made sure not to let it ruin the life she had now. She threw herself into her art and had made a bit of a name for herself doing so, although it was under an alias. She went by Clare Morgen now.

To all of her new friends, Sebastian was her antisocial, but friendly enough husband. He knew better than most how to lay on the charm and wit around new people, but he found it exhausting to put up the mundane front so he kept to himself. He would occasionally go out and hunt demons as a way to quell his desire to fight and kill. Between his Shadowhunter blood and demonic blood, those urges were something that Clary imagined would never really go away. He had to be sure to spread out his hunting grounds though, never going to the same place twice too soon. If the Clave got wind of an independently working Shadowhunter they would be there to investigate in no time at all.

Clary was currently sketching in her indoor studio, music playing softly in the background as she worked on a portrait of Sebastian that she’d started a couple of days before. It was nearly done and she was very pleased with the way it was turning out.

She was very focused on adding the final touches, so she gasped loudly when she suddenly felt arms around her waist. A second later though they were followed by lips on her neck and Sebastian’s voice teasing, “Just can’t get enough of me, can you?”

“It’s not my fault that you’re devastatingly handsome,” she replied lightly, relaxing in his grip and tilting her head to the side to make room for more kisses. He happily obliged her, trailing his lips up her neck to her jaw.

“Do you think you could give charcoal-Sebastian a break and give this Sebastian your attention for a little while?”

He spun her around, catching her by the hips before taking her left hand in his right. He gazed lovingly down at her and slowly began to sway to the quiet acoustic song that was playing.

“I suppose I could manage that,” she replied, beaming as she swayed with him.

“Good, because you are simply irresistible in those overalls with charcoal smeared on your cheek.” Sebastian led her in a slow circle and pulled her hand to his mouth, kissing her knuckles. “I love you so very much, Clary.”

 “And I love you. Always.” Clary slid her hand up his neck and into his hair as she danced with him.

 “You know, I’ve been thinking,” he told her, his fingers tracing over her lower back as he spoke.

“What about?”

“Everyone here thinks of me as your husband, but…I’m not really. I’ve been thinking that I might like to change that.” Sebastian met her eyes, but she could tell it was hard for him to do. His body grew tense against her, but he waited patiently for a reply.

“You’re asking me to marry you? Officially?” Clary’s pulse quickened, and her smile widened. She hadn’t been sure if he’d ever bother to ask her considering they were “married” under their aliases, but she’d hoped he might.

“We couldn’t have a Shadowhunter wedding, but I thought it still might be nice to have a ceremony and be married as Clary Fairchild and Sebastian Morgenstern. So, yes I’m asking you to marry me. Would please do me the honor of ‘officially’ being my wife?”

They were still dancing, pressed closely together with Sebastian holding Clary’s hand to his chest, as she said, “Yes. Nothing would make me happier.”

She stopped moving with him now and pushed up on her toes to kiss him.

Sebastian had asked her more than once before if she regretted the decision she had made the night she almost died. It didn’t come up often, but every time it did there was genuine fear in his eyes as if he were expecting her to suddenly resent him. But the truth was she didn’t. Not for one moment since she’d made that choice had she regretted it, and in moments like this one she was reminded why. Clary truly did love him with everything she was, and she was happy with him. He was worth every sacrifice and she would spend every day of the rest of her life making him believe it.

 


	22. Cover!

Hey, guys!! So, I commissioned a cover for this fic from the amazing c0ffeebee on Tumblr and it's done and I had to share! :D I am so happy with it how it turned out. I had her use Will Tudor, but make his hair white and his eye black like book Seb since he's sort of a mashup of the two in this fic. Check it out! What do you guys think? I'm gonna add it to chapter one as well, but I wanted the people who might have this set for updates from when they read it before to be alerted!

 


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